We Survived a Failed Placement

So I’m starting this post off negatively but if you’ve wondered where we are it’s because we had a failed placement and it's taken me awhile to process it and write it out.  

Now before we get into the thick of it let’s talk basics.  Back in May we signed with a second agency and after a possible match, which I was dragging my feet on and then on day 3 the agency said wait, whoa don’t send in the match fee, we moved on and would eventually match with K. (yes another K name).

Now K was a quiet but an honest young lady.  Our attorney however put a doubt in our mind and it would cause some chaos that I’d maneuver in just a few very stressful days but it worked out.

We matched the end of May and by June I was working the attorney circuit looking for an attorney to represent her and I planned to go out and meet her and her son.  It was an awkward meeting because again she was a quiet person and I’m not good with small talk.  However, I found her to be sweet and her son to be a typical 3 year old.  I enjoyed meeting and spending time with them both. 

So we were texting everyday or every few days and things seemed to be progressing in a natural way.  She was working on getting herself in a better position once birth and placement happened and we were trying to make sure she had what she needed as she needed it.

Now the rub is; looking back; that she hinted at the things that would eventually undo our adoption plan.  Her family was happy she had an adoption plan they didn’t support her at all.  She used to be close to mom until….(not important). So ya the signs were there but I didn’t catch them per se.  I think I instinctively got it because I was so guarded but it wasn’t there at the time in the fore front. They always say in adoption literature and blogs if the family isn’t supportive it’s a BIG RED FLAG! Because 9 out 10 times they come forward at the hospital and offer support thus screwing the adoptive parents who’ve been supporting them for months as was the case with us.

Incoming RANT: 

Oh how I’d love to be able to get restitution on what we spent on support but you know it’s not an adoptive family friendly environment, in fact we have zero protection in these matters.  Honestly we’re the ones taking the financial and emotional risks (and the damn scammers that come with that – hello emotional trauma; again no recourse – WTF!!!!).

Ok Rant over and I feel better, moving on…..

So what happened in our case? Well the very simplified version is she asked for a day alone to reflect and have time to which we agreed.  Our friends were coming into town that day from out of state so we’d only planned on stopping in to visit her and the baby in the morning and then heading out.  She however then sent the late night text the night before asking for a bit of space so we obliged.

We met our friends at a restaurant/pub in the area where we were staying.  We had talked of going to the zoo or maybe visiting another local historical home.  Unfortunately while my friend and I were outside I got a text asking me to come by first thing in the morning that she needed to talk to us but everything was ok. I showed my friend and said that’s it it’s over she’s going to parent.  My friend the forever optimist said no, you don’t know that, just keep the faith.  I knew.  She’d call less than 10 mins later to tell me that she couldn’t do it and that she was only doing it because she didn’t have support and now she did and she just couldn’t go through with it. So bottom line is mom abandoned her when she was pregnant and homeless with a 3 year old but as soon as baby was born in the hospital no way could baby go to a family outside theirs.  

Now It actually happens quite often but if I’d read the signs properly I’d have had those questions answered before we ever got to delivery. There were other signs, some quite blatant but I’m not into the details just the basics here.  Mind you during this time my mom is excitedly asking me if she can post pics and info and I keep her at bay for 2 days and then this happened and I texted “She is going to parent” ya that’s not how I wanted this to go.  As much as I wanted it to be right, it wasn’t.  I wish her the absolute best, honestly. She is a good, kind-hearted, and loving lady.  She has 2 boys to raise and I do hope that offer of support for her and the kids continues to be there for her. I will never not think of her and hope she is doing well.

Now the best part is we have friends in with their son from out of town visiting when I get the phone call.  Don, our friend’s hubby and their son are off playing games and I want Don to have a good day.  I walk off to the bathroom not once but twice during our visit to cry in a stall.

My friend agrees not to say anything and buys me a shot of vodka (so glad to not be driving!), which woo took me a few sips to finish.  We then decide to go downtown and walk around (mind you my friend knows we’ll be leaving and wants us to see the city we’re in before we go.  Also note Don doesn’t know yet!).

After our trip to downtown Nashville to shop, walk, goof off, and eat, they drive us back to our car and follow us back to our friend’s place where we are staying.  It wasn’t until they left that I told Don what had happened 10 hours earlier.  We talked and he went to bed, I then went downstairs and into the family room of our friends where we are staying and told them.

Now I have no idea how I was able to keep it together for 10 hours before telling Don but I did because I wanted him to have a good day with our friends and not think about the adoption.  He even said why didn’t you tell me and I told him X and X were here and I wanted us to have good memories and a great visit.  Mind you we normally take a trip to Atlanta for Labor Day so we’d cancelled that because hello, becoming parents is top priority, but ya now it’s cancelled and we aren’t. So the trip home was rather somber as we explained where the baby was.  We had a car seat and stroller combo and a newborn sleeper that had to be shipped home.  I even had my carry on pulled by TSA because of baby stuff (my carry on had our diaper bag with clothes, diapers and wipes) and we had no baby; ugh!(side note the guy was super nice he was just doing his job).  However the best part was we could’ve taken the baby stroller/car seat combo and baby wrap back for a refund but we chose to bring it home as a symbol that we will be parents! We both still know we’ll be parents but we’re waiting for the right person to come along and make it happen for us and expand our family.

The planets must have aligned because next week we are going to Dragon Con and meeting our friend’s.  We definitely need this trip to be ourselves outside this process. We found new cheap flights and free hotel which is beyond abnormal (bye-bye points we’ve spent you all and then some).  I’m super excited because just last week we couldn’t go and I was a bit mopey.  I’m super excited to go even though half our friends can’t make it.  We’ll have a great time with our friends who experienced our heartbreak with us and helped us through that. Did I mention I'm super excited!

So where does that leave us now:

We are coming up on 3 years live in a short few weeks and we’re only 8 families out of the top 50 with our agency, which means the 50 longest waiting families so maybe this is where we are meant to be. Who can say for sure?  I do know that yesterday I opened Instagram and I saw this posted by a friend and fellow long waiter in this process, who has recently adopted, and it really struck me so I asked if I could share it.

So that's it we've survived a failed placement and are so very lucky for our support network. We have adjusted and are moving on in the right direction. Hopefully our meant to be is just around the corner.

Forever in our hearts and always on our mind

Dear Baby,

We can’t wait for your mom to find us and ask us to be your parents.  We don’t know if you’ll be a boy or a girl but we are excited to find out! I can’t wait to see your beautiful face in your first moments and hope we get to be a part of it with your birth mom. I know, even when you spit up all over my hair and shirt or have that up the back total blow out just how happy I’ll be to clean you up and how very grateful I’ll be that your birth mom chose us. 

I see so many cute things when I’m out shopping and think how great it’s going to be to bring it home for you one day. I admit though I have broken down and have a bunch of things already from jammies and onesies to burp cloths and bedding. You have so many quilts because your grandma is overjoyed you will be here someday, hopefully soon. Maybe you’ll have a favorite you just have to have with you all the time like my brother did. She loves to sew and also made you car seat covers so you can sleep soundly without the sun in your eyes (although mom’s car has tinted windows to help with that). In fact when your grandma found out we were hoping for you, she bought the crib on our wish list.  We haven’t put it up yet but when you’ve found us we will get the nursery all put together.  We also have the cutest red leather toddler chair for you when you start to grow and want your own personal chair like mom and dad have.  I’ve been collecting books for you too.  I can’t wait to read them to you every chance we get, but especially at bedtime.  I have many more on our wish list for you and hope you have many favorites among them.

Speaking of growing up, we are almost finished redoing the craft room and when you get a bit bigger you will get to have so much fun in there with us creating whatever you dream up.  You will get to finger paint and color, on paper, not the walls (we hope!) and play with clay and play-doh.  I can’t wait to see your creations.

Your birth mom will be forever in our hearts and always on our mind.You will always know her greatest sacrifice was out of love for you.

I hope you find us soon little one because we already love you so much and we can’t wait to meet you both. 

Love mom

After vacation adoption goals and our Anniversary

So we've been home a week and life is settling back in.  I know everyone says it but if you’re waiting to adopt, don’t wait to take vacations.  Even taking a break from adoption for a weekend can really help renew yours and your partner’s enthusiasm to become parents through adoption.

I really pushed back on taking a trip to Europe because I was worried about the time, costs, and what if’s on the adoption front.  I can say I’m glad Don just bought the tickets and made the arrangements as a surprise. While on vacation the topic of adoption, infertility and foster care was all discussed briefly with our friend’s then filed away to the back of our minds while we took in all the sites and culture.   I’m back with a new vigor and that’s a good thing.

The day we got home I received the email I hate getting.  “It’s time to renew your FBI clearances”, which also means our home study renewal is also quickly approaching. So I've printed our paperwork out and will start filling it all in to submit to our state social worker before June so she has time to come out and then write up our home study for Independent Adoption Center, our agency in California.  The paperwork itself isn't going to take long to fill out with this being the third home study I think we've gotten used to it and maybe the third time is the charm. What takes the most time is trying to rearrange schedules to get fingerprinted.  Our local office has one hour open in the morning and one hour in the afternoon but it isn't at easy times or days to make.  The other time consuming part of the renewal is the physical from our doctor that takes a minimal amount of time but it always takes her a week or two to write it all up to submit so we have to plan that accordingly. She also has specific days that she’ll do the adoption physicals making it a bit tough.  All of this however will get done in due time as it always does.

Today is our 19 year anniversary though so that paperwork can wait another day. I truly can’t believe we've spent the last 24 years together and have been married for 19. It honestly seems like yesterday we started dating, moved to WA, and got married. I’m lucky to have married my best friend and love him more with each day that passes.  I can’t wait for us to include children and become parents but until then we enjoy each other, our pets, and families. 

Live, Laugh, Love, get dressed up and have a food fight. :) 

I hope everyone has a great week ahead and maybe plans a little get away to take a mental break.

Italy - pt. 3 Rome, Ostia Antica, Nemi and home

Rome

Day 1

So we planned on going to Ostia Antica this day which was a short 3 stops on the train from where were staying so thought it was a good day to sleep in.  We get train passes, getting off at the stop for the ruins and it’s closed Monday.  We head back to the train and take the train to Rome and get off at the Colosseum.  Holy cow, it is so much larger than it appears in books, pictures, movies.  I was really impressed by the height of the walls and the labyrinth of the lower maze. 

 As you enter the Colosseum 

The Arch of Constaintine

Really incredible views, we stopped by a sandwich/gelato truck for a snack (yum Pistachio gelato!) and to debate going to Palatine hill or the Forum.  The Forum won out.  Absolutely incredible to see and to think you’re in the same church and walking the same roads as the Romans did over 2,000 years ago. 

 snack truck

 overlooking the forum

After the Forum we walked around Rome and found a group of young adults sitting around a fountain drinking and singing songs.  There was a café in the square so we sat down for food and drink and listened to them sing and laugh.

This was an early night for us as we got back to our hotel by 8pm and just relaxed, playing games and watching some TV before bed.

Day 2

The Vatican was our plan for day 2 in Rome.  We walked up and the line was enormous.  The wait was about 3 hours to get entrance tickets. There was a bunch of people trying to sell tours and after some discussion among ourselves it’s exactly what we did.  We ran over to be included in the 11:30 tour which was supposed to be a 2 hour tour but ended at 3 so 3 ½ hours.   We highly recommend doing the tour here rather than self guided or audio.  Our guide was incredibly knowledgeable about the history behind the pieces as well as the Church significance (or sometimes historical leader like Napoleon and Mussolini). I think the best part about our guide was that she took the extra time to show us the picture gallery which isn't usually on the tour.  Such awesome things housed here so if you plan on a tour of the Vatican try to get our guide (pictured below with blonde hair, holding a stick with a scarf tied to it) or ask your guide if they include it.

 Our guide

 The last Supper silk tapestry is HUGE and in the picture gallery

 one of the first stairways

 Bacchus 

The pine cone garden

 St. Peter's

 prepping for the Pope the following day

The Sistine Chapel was a surprise.  We passed through into the back area with benches on the walls and just sat and looked up and the images appeared 3D. Pictures aren't allowed or I’d have tried to capture the 3D like quality of the figures on the ceiling (the prophets and sibyls).

St. Peter’s Basilica is not to be missed.

After the Vatican we grabbed a sandwich to split and were “given gifts” by a man and woman sitting by the food truck who then asked for money.  We gave them some change and we walked away.  They want you to pull out your wallet so they can see it to pick pocket you later.  Don’t do it, better yet don’t accept the “gifts” say no thank you and walk away. Gypsies and pick pockets are the norm so be aware, don’t fall for the conversation.  PSA over.

From there Don wanted to find a particular store so we walked 2 miles (making it 7 miles for the day so far on top of the 9 miles walked the day before) only to find it had closed. As Americans living in the suburbs that walk an average of 1.5-2 miles a day my feet couldn't take anymore of the cobblestone streets so Don flagged a taxi to drive us to the Pantheon.  

Thank goodness for the taxi because we were a LONG way from the Pantheon which looked like it was built yesterday.  Really was stunning and as I sat in a pew Don went to look for the store in Piazza Navona that sold Chess sets.  

 Pantheon entrance

 directly under the open dome

 dome from the inside

He came back about 10 minutes later to take me down there.  It was beautiful and had cafes and shops.  I sat outside at one of the cafes on the corner ordering us some cheese and wine while he went to get that chess set.  He came back and a guy had settled in across the street to play music.  He started out with the Beatles Let it be and then also played Sting, Cyndi Lauper and many others.  He was really, really good.  We walked around the fountain while reading the history of the location and eventually I bought a Pasta maker to bring home.  It was then time to walk back to the Pantheon to catch a Taxi to a train station in Rome to meet up with everyone for Wendy’s birthday dinner.

my phone did a weird filter thing here

a picture of the Piazza Navona hanging in the restaurant that night for dinner with everyone

The restaurant was in Wendy and Jean’s old neighborhood in Rome.  I wish I remembered the name of the restaurant they had really good food there too.  I say that a lot but so many places cater to tourists so it’s just not good and overpriced. The baby wasn't feeling super celebratory so we all took turns trying to get her to sleep.  She finally fell asleep in my arms and holding onto Don’s finger which was so cute.

Someday it'll be us holding our own baby

Wendy, Emmy, Jean and Harvey

We got onto the last train of the night and went back to Ostia.  Our plan for the next day was once again to go to Ostia Antica.

Ostia Antica

The city, yes city of ruins was so vast we didn't even scratch the surface.  The place could take a week to see it all even if there tour guide of suggested paths.  The nice thing in these ruins is it’s more like a park.  While there are roads you can follow you can also just go off the paths and explore, unlike most other places which guide you along paths.  We spent a few hours here then went back to the hotel to meet up with everyone to drive to a mountain town called Nemi.

 The amphitheater

Nemi

So the drive to Nemi was interesting.  It’s just over an hour drive there and since Don couldn't get the town to come up on his phone he plugged in the destination as Lake Nemi.  Unfortunately, that’s exactly where the phone was taking us and by the time anyone spoke up we had long since passed the road up the mountain to the town.  Reroute on the phone took us up a very narrow old Roman back road to the town,  The whole while hoping it actually went through or we’d have to drive down the mountain in reverse because no way could a car turnaround let alone the van we in.  Luckily it did go through and we found parking.

Nemi is known for its wild strawberries which are small, sweet, and unaltered.  They were awesome! We had strawberry tarts with custard and cream and I wished I could eat like 6 of them.  They were so tasty.  They also had strawberry/blackberry granita that Wendy had and that was also good made out of the fresh berries.

 a panoramic view of the town

 Lake Nemi 

 Where we shopped

Jean, Wendy, Max, and Harvey

After eating we went to do some shopping.  It was the last evening we’d be in Rome so we bought some jarred goods and dried mushrooms to bring home.

After going to dinner we said our goodbyes and got back to pack the last few things we’d bought into our luggage.  We had an early start the next day to get the 4 of us back to the airport and return the rental car.
The flights home were 24 hours for us and even worse for Jean and Harvey who ended up staying an extra night in Rome then having to take a plane to Amsterdam where they were for about 18 hours. Sure hope they made the next flight back to Atlanta.

Italy - part 1 - Venice

Our flights to Europe

We left Seattle early Tuesday morning and headed to Dallas where we had a 5 hour layover then on to London. Once in London it was a mad dash through the airport to the pre-check before security where we had to be fast passed to get the security line or we’d miss our connection. We found our terminal and were lucky our gate was next to Starbucks where I grabbed one last coffee then onto the plane bound for Venice.

Venice

We arrived in Venice at noon on Wednesday, retrieved our luggage and headed to the express bus to the island.  We then took a ferry to the city center to find our hotel. It was pouring down rain and super windy in Venice, I don’t mean rain as we think of it in Washington, I mean the sky is gushing kind of rain.  

The wind and rain were crazy

Also, the “streets” of Venice are really alleys; at least they appear that way to us since we are used to wider streets, making it difficult to navigate to our hotel, even with Google maps.  We actually circled around the place like three times because it looked like a courtyard for someone’s house.  Nope it was actually a street with a canal dock to one end.  The hotel was a bed and breakfast called Palazzo Minelli and was a spacious double room.  Our friend’s were meeting us in Venice later that evening and we were sharing the room.  What was odd was the layout. When it was booked it just said double connecting room, which we thought of in terms of room connections in American hotels.  This one was 2 rooms; the front room had the front door and the back room had the bathroom.  The room also had the balcony in the front room and just windows in the back room.  Don and I took the front room and our friend’s took the back.  After checking in with the hotel, Don and I walked around, stopped by a café and grabbed a snack then headed out to take some pictures.  After awhile we were soaked (even with umbrellas) thanks to the wind and were freezing so went back to our room to relax, warm up, and wait for our friend’s to arrive. That’s when we’d fall asleep and they’d get stuck outside the hotel.  We felt so bad about that.  We had no intention of falling asleep and didn't hear our phones ring.  I finally heard the doorbell and it woke me up and we started down to let them in as they were coming up the stairs.  The door opened and they were able to come in out of the rain.  They settled in, dried off, and then we talked about dinner.  Don and I had passed a place earlier while walking around that we thought looked really tasty so we agreed to go there.  That would be the best meal we’d have in Venice at Hostaria da Zorzi on Calle dei Fuseri. Our waitress Elisa was great and we’d surprisingly see her again somewhere else on the trip. We’d go back and play charades on the iPhone since none of us thought to bring cards or dice to play games.

pictures from the room balcony which overlooked the canal

On Thursday, after breakfast in our room, we all went out to do some site seeing in San Marcos Square.  We went to the basilica and toured the rooms that were open; unfortunately the museum was closed that day. 

waiting in line to enter

Inside the treasury at the basilica

After the basilica we did a bit of shopping and found a place for lunch.  The most expensive meal we’d have and it wasn't that great but better than the place we’d find for dinner later that night.  After lunch we went to La Fenice to tour the opera house.  It was absolutely gorgeous and much larger than it looks.

the grand ballroom

 Ceiling of the theater

 The theater

The orchestra pit

 Me taking a picture of Don who was taking a picture of Jean and Harvey

The entrance

 After our tour we walked and found a supermarket, where we bought some amazing cheese, salami, and crackers for later then took everything back to the room, refreshed ourselves and went in search of dinner.  We settled on a pizza/pasta place that was awful! The food tasted like frozen microwave food, the wine was like battery acid, metallic and nasty. I wish I could remember the name so I could advise everyone not to go there. It was a waste of money for all of us.  The food in our room was what we’d eventually enjoy for dinner because we pretty much didn't eat what they served.  We played more games that night, using some Italian cards that the B&B had on hand, as well as more charades.

 On Friday, Don woke early and went to the Fish market to do some shopping.  The rest of us slept in and rested.  Don got back just as breakfast was being served so we all enjoyed that and then packed up to get to the train station for our trip to Rome.  None of us wanted to cart all our luggage back through the streets of Venice to the ferry so instead splurged on a water taxi to come pick us up at the B&B’s private canal dock.  Yes, it was completely worth the expense.  At the train station we went to a café to pick up sandwiches and drinks for the trip and we’d run into Elisa.  She also worked at the station during the day.  It was a pleasant surprise to see her again before we left Venice.

Water Taxi on the Grand Canal approaching the train station

Stay tuned for the rest of our trip (in parts) with pictures coming within the next week.