A Trifecta? Maybe and I hope so....

The Trifecta?:

Ok, It’s a normal everyday Monday and I had to run errands because, well lazy weekend.  I got our 3 year LMHL letter in the mail today.  YAY!  Now to fill it out and send it in!

Then our AC returned our call from late last Friday regarding some up-coming changes to the website I had some questions on.  While she couldn’t answer them outright she did send for more info so I should know within a few days.  Again I see this as a win.

Oh, look a call from ?? from IAC ok why are they calling.  Holy Moly someone is looking at us and uh YES!

Oh but wait what I actually said is please find out more because we just had our lives shattered a few months ago and I don’t want to be considered if we won’t be a good match.  Now you know 6 months ago I’d have immediately jumped yes, yes, yes call me!; Today not so much.  I am THRILLED we are being considered but I want to be sure it’s a good fit.  This is the sad face of adoption.  This is the reality that happens that most of us don’t talk about if we’re long waiters. I want this to work out and be the ONE but I’m also resigned to the fact she could choose another family or to parent.  Adoption is amazing and beautiful if a painful, emotional route to a family but I still keep the faith it’ll happen for us one day.

To me, on paper she is a perfect match for us but until we talk I won’t know. Here’s the one thing I do know, this potential match if it happens, no one will know.  I cannot put my family and friends through what we went through previously.  Only if it’s a success will anyone know.  Sorry family and friends but it benefits us all in the end.  Yes, I’m all for Open adoption but not the heartache that can happen from it not happening.  (Believe me someone or two or three in my adoption circle will be hearing from me because um high emotions but I trust them to say nothing and let me vent). I’m hoping our check in tomorrow gives us good info to move forward. I hope we can connect and get a rapport going.  So many emotions on all sides if you haven’t been here you don’t explicitly understand. I don't expect you to but please don't suppose because I posted this that we are matched; we aren't. It's  simply a contact and most of those go with the wind, I hope not here but I always hope that way but the fact is until we match, get relinquishment, and then get home it isn't a done deal. Even then we have to go through extensive post-placement reviews by the state to be sure everything is going as it should. So it's a brutal few months even after the birth/placement (should it happen). 

I may sound harsh or cold but honestly I’m not.  I’m protecting everyone’s’ hearts, including our own and the mother in question, it’s her child until she signs relinquishment's. I want nothing but the best for the child and their mother and I do hope it’s us but if it isn’t; it isn’t. I can’t help and won’t change who we are or what a mom may want for their baby. I want nothing more than to have a mother we really connect with who has a support network and open adoption in her heart.

Let’s rally! Go team Davis!

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We Survived a Failed Placement

So I’m starting this post off negatively but if you’ve wondered where we are it’s because we had a failed placement and it's taken me awhile to process it and write it out.  

Now before we get into the thick of it let’s talk basics.  Back in May we signed with a second agency and after a possible match, which I was dragging my feet on and then on day 3 the agency said wait, whoa don’t send in the match fee, we moved on and would eventually match with K. (yes another K name).

Now K was a quiet but an honest young lady.  Our attorney however put a doubt in our mind and it would cause some chaos that I’d maneuver in just a few very stressful days but it worked out.

We matched the end of May and by June I was working the attorney circuit looking for an attorney to represent her and I planned to go out and meet her and her son.  It was an awkward meeting because again she was a quiet person and I’m not good with small talk.  However, I found her to be sweet and her son to be a typical 3 year old.  I enjoyed meeting and spending time with them both. 

So we were texting everyday or every few days and things seemed to be progressing in a natural way.  She was working on getting herself in a better position once birth and placement happened and we were trying to make sure she had what she needed as she needed it.

Now the rub is; looking back; that she hinted at the things that would eventually undo our adoption plan.  Her family was happy she had an adoption plan they didn’t support her at all.  She used to be close to mom until….(not important). So ya the signs were there but I didn’t catch them per se.  I think I instinctively got it because I was so guarded but it wasn’t there at the time in the fore front. They always say in adoption literature and blogs if the family isn’t supportive it’s a BIG RED FLAG! Because 9 out 10 times they come forward at the hospital and offer support thus screwing the adoptive parents who’ve been supporting them for months as was the case with us.

Incoming RANT: 

Oh how I’d love to be able to get restitution on what we spent on support but you know it’s not an adoptive family friendly environment, in fact we have zero protection in these matters.  Honestly we’re the ones taking the financial and emotional risks (and the damn scammers that come with that – hello emotional trauma; again no recourse – WTF!!!!).

Ok Rant over and I feel better, moving on…..

So what happened in our case? Well the very simplified version is she asked for a day alone to reflect and have time to which we agreed.  Our friends were coming into town that day from out of state so we’d only planned on stopping in to visit her and the baby in the morning and then heading out.  She however then sent the late night text the night before asking for a bit of space so we obliged.

We met our friends at a restaurant/pub in the area where we were staying.  We had talked of going to the zoo or maybe visiting another local historical home.  Unfortunately while my friend and I were outside I got a text asking me to come by first thing in the morning that she needed to talk to us but everything was ok. I showed my friend and said that’s it it’s over she’s going to parent.  My friend the forever optimist said no, you don’t know that, just keep the faith.  I knew.  She’d call less than 10 mins later to tell me that she couldn’t do it and that she was only doing it because she didn’t have support and now she did and she just couldn’t go through with it. So bottom line is mom abandoned her when she was pregnant and homeless with a 3 year old but as soon as baby was born in the hospital no way could baby go to a family outside theirs.  

Now It actually happens quite often but if I’d read the signs properly I’d have had those questions answered before we ever got to delivery. There were other signs, some quite blatant but I’m not into the details just the basics here.  Mind you during this time my mom is excitedly asking me if she can post pics and info and I keep her at bay for 2 days and then this happened and I texted “She is going to parent” ya that’s not how I wanted this to go.  As much as I wanted it to be right, it wasn’t.  I wish her the absolute best, honestly. She is a good, kind-hearted, and loving lady.  She has 2 boys to raise and I do hope that offer of support for her and the kids continues to be there for her. I will never not think of her and hope she is doing well.

Now the best part is we have friends in with their son from out of town visiting when I get the phone call.  Don, our friend’s hubby and their son are off playing games and I want Don to have a good day.  I walk off to the bathroom not once but twice during our visit to cry in a stall.

My friend agrees not to say anything and buys me a shot of vodka (so glad to not be driving!), which woo took me a few sips to finish.  We then decide to go downtown and walk around (mind you my friend knows we’ll be leaving and wants us to see the city we’re in before we go.  Also note Don doesn’t know yet!).

After our trip to downtown Nashville to shop, walk, goof off, and eat, they drive us back to our car and follow us back to our friend’s place where we are staying.  It wasn’t until they left that I told Don what had happened 10 hours earlier.  We talked and he went to bed, I then went downstairs and into the family room of our friends where we are staying and told them.

Now I have no idea how I was able to keep it together for 10 hours before telling Don but I did because I wanted him to have a good day with our friends and not think about the adoption.  He even said why didn’t you tell me and I told him X and X were here and I wanted us to have good memories and a great visit.  Mind you we normally take a trip to Atlanta for Labor Day so we’d cancelled that because hello, becoming parents is top priority, but ya now it’s cancelled and we aren’t. So the trip home was rather somber as we explained where the baby was.  We had a car seat and stroller combo and a newborn sleeper that had to be shipped home.  I even had my carry on pulled by TSA because of baby stuff (my carry on had our diaper bag with clothes, diapers and wipes) and we had no baby; ugh!(side note the guy was super nice he was just doing his job).  However the best part was we could’ve taken the baby stroller/car seat combo and baby wrap back for a refund but we chose to bring it home as a symbol that we will be parents! We both still know we’ll be parents but we’re waiting for the right person to come along and make it happen for us and expand our family.

The planets must have aligned because next week we are going to Dragon Con and meeting our friend’s.  We definitely need this trip to be ourselves outside this process. We found new cheap flights and free hotel which is beyond abnormal (bye-bye points we’ve spent you all and then some).  I’m super excited because just last week we couldn’t go and I was a bit mopey.  I’m super excited to go even though half our friends can’t make it.  We’ll have a great time with our friends who experienced our heartbreak with us and helped us through that. Did I mention I'm super excited!

So where does that leave us now:

We are coming up on 3 years live in a short few weeks and we’re only 8 families out of the top 50 with our agency, which means the 50 longest waiting families so maybe this is where we are meant to be. Who can say for sure?  I do know that yesterday I opened Instagram and I saw this posted by a friend and fellow long waiter in this process, who has recently adopted, and it really struck me so I asked if I could share it.

So that's it we've survived a failed placement and are so very lucky for our support network. We have adjusted and are moving on in the right direction. Hopefully our meant to be is just around the corner.

Waiting to Adopt = Pixar's Inside Out

How Inside Out resonated with our journey to open adopt.

You start out joyous and hopeful then the longer you wait it slowly transforms into anger (scams), sadness (why not us/failed matches), disgust (scams) and even fear (will we ever get picked? Will it fail at the hospital?). You do everything you know to tread the emotions with dignity and humility but scam after scam dwindles your ability for compassion and you struggle to retain your humanity and personality without bitterness and paranoia. It’s a daily struggle to remain positive and busy.

When everything seems bleak, sad, and hopeless we get a glimmer of hope only to have those hopes dashed. How do you continue?  Like Inside Out it’s about feeling all that, sometimes at the same time, and still working through all those emotions to make decisions for ourselves that affect our futures. 

Joy can't exist without sadness, doubt, fear or anger because if we didn't have the negative feelings we wouldn't understand the joy, happy, elated or content feelings we feel day to day. We wouldn't strive to better ourselves or our situations without the pain of those emotions. They make up the lessons learned in life and more important who we are as individuals. 

I'm a rather blunt person, not in a negative way just matter of fact. If someone asks why we’re adopting I’ll be frank about it same as if they asked the time of day or what kind of dog I have. I am also a sensitive person who wants the best for everyone I meet but I'm also not delusional in that not everyone is out to better themselves but rather to feed emotionally on those waiting or to try to gain financially from adopting couples. That’s not how Adoption is supposed to work and over time it makes us leery with all contacts especially via email, private message or text. I jump every time the phone rings or dings that I’ve gotten an email or text even though 99% of the time it’s people looking to scam adoptive couples. Thank goodness for Report as Spam buttons. 

We want to be excited and hopeful that this is the one meant for us. I strive to make my compassion shine through in written forms of communication but it just depends on how it’s interpreted by the reader. 

Adoption at the end of the day is just like Sadness and Joy going through the maze and trying to get back to head quarters. It was that journey where they really learned what each had to offer and how important they both were to the well being of Riley. That’s how open adoption should work and we hope will work for us.

When life gives you lemons make lemonade

Sure we’ve all heard the phrase and when I think of it I think why not use the lemons to make pies and cake or lemon bars. How about take the seeds and plant them for a tree to grow and continue to provide you with lemons. It’s what reminds me of family and some great childhood memories of growing up surrounded by lemon and orange trees (you think roses are thorny try these trees) in southern California.

Well backing up a bit to August when I lost my grandfather. We knew it would happen just not when and luckily I was there for his final day for many hours.  I was lucky to have that time with him and others in my family to say goodbye to an incredible man who had 92 years on this planet.  He survived WWII, Meningitis, four kids, 7 grand-kids and 20 great grand-kids.  He was strict but super loving with a great sense of humor and love of nature.  His love of travel is where I got my love of travel.  We take separate trips and then sit down together and share our stories and pictures.  He and my grandma took many, many trips across Canada, Mexico and every state in the US.  So there are tons of pictures.  When he was too old to drive they took cruises and I got to see the Outback, Hong Kong, the Panama Canal and Antarctica through his pictures. I miss him every day. I miss his stories and his smiles and his love of sweets (he loved Lemon meringue pie). I was so hoping our child would get to meet him and he always asked me when he’d get to meet his 21st great grandchild (grandpa had Alzheimer’s). I can only hope when we do get selected to be parents that we can convey what a great man he was through our stories and pictures along with grandma telling them too.

Grandpa last Halloween with his homemade spider chocolate and pretzels

The reason I’m posting on this now is it has become very clear just how fragile life is. My mom had a major surgery on her hip, back and nerves a week ago.  She is having some complications and is in a great deal of pain.  I wish I could take that pain away.  It’s so hard to hear about and see but then to get a call at 11:45 at night from your aunt telling you that your dad has had a stroke and is in the hospital with severe weakness on his right side. We're 1100 miles away you can’t just rush to the hospital to be with him. I still might drive down to help him.  He lives alone and owns his own shop.  If he doesn’t regain some strength and use of his right side soon the dogs and I will go down to California and help him continue to get the cars and trucks fixed so he can pay his bills. As my dad said to me “You don’t realize all your body does without thinking about it until you no longer can, especially when it’s your dominate side.”  It was a reminder of working in the hospital and seeing all walks of life and ages of stroke victims. It’s a crushing blow, even mild strokes. You literally have to start over relearning motor skills and some need speech therapy. I’m extremely thankful it wasn’t worse and he can still talk and is alive but it’s a not so gentle reminder that anything can happen at any time, even adoption.

Next week I start driving down to help my mom because her husband has to go back to work but she knows I may have to go to my dad and that’s a tough choice to make.  My parents are both hard working, tough and stubborn so I can only hope that strength and determination helps them to recover quickly. If dad makes a comeback in his strength I will at least see him next month when we go down for Thanksgiving, otherwise I’ll go down and stay until Thanksgiving and Don will fly down and meet us.

The lesson relearned is never taking life for granted. Reach out to those who you love (family, friends, birth parents) and tell them what they mean to you for tomorrow may be too late.  Call often so you can hear their voice and they yours.  In this age of technology we to often just email, text or post on Facebook without thinking of actually calling and connecting on a human level. This is one reason we want an open adoption so we can keep our families connected for our child. They can grow up knowing how much they are loved by everyone.

I’m forever grateful to those around me now and even those who are no longer here except in my heart and memories. I’m thankful for an amazing husband who is so supportive and to my pets that I get to love and spoil. Most of all I’m grateful for my parents and how they raised me.  I, too, am strong, stubborn and determined and it’s from them (and DNA) that I learned to stay the course and do what needs to be done.

Time to make some lemonade!

I will miss you

Dearest K,

We've spent the last six weeks getting to know each other. Even though you were early in your pregnancy I never doubted your commitment for this open adoption.  I loved our conversations and the pictures we exchanged in anticipation for what was next. The long and short conversations we’d have every day, I’ll miss those.  I could feel the excitement even through email as our trip to meet and match was getting closer. You are Bright, beautiful, and one of the sweetest people I've had the privilege to “meet”.

Today everything would change. I've been dreading that phone call.  I was hoping it would never come to pass but it remained in my mind since you first told me. I know how upset you are about this for us and we feel the same for you.

Today my heart breaks.  It breaks for you, us and what could have been. It breaks because I can’t be there for you as you go through this. It breaks because I knew when I woke this morning that something must be wrong because you hadn't responded and that isn't like you. I wish I could call you and let you know it’s going to be ok and how sorry we are. We wanted nothing more than to include you in our lives but what’s important now is you. Please know it isn't anyone's fault, nothing could have been done. I know how strong you are and you will get through it, just as we will but know this I will miss you!

Please know if you need to talk I’m still here for you.

Sincerely,

Nicole

Ramblings from a stressed mind

So we’re trying finalize plans for our trip to Italy and oh boy! The stress and anxiety are setting in.

We’re also dealing with the disappointment of our last contact and her unwillingness to provide proof of pregnancy to us or our agency.  This was a devastating blow to us.  Not that some things didn’t seem to add up but that things seemed to be going in the right direction and then Bam! A wall x3 and consequently a severed line.

That’s the truth with Adoption.  It’s a never ending stream of doubt, hope, faith, and disappointment. No matter how you come to adoption on any side of the triad it’s got you in a knot at some point.

We had a contact that was feeling out her options and we knew going in it was a likely no go.  We watched, added our 2 cents as warranted and she had her child on the 5th.  I feel privileged to share that with her because of her honesty.  We’ve had other contacts that weren’t up front an honest and I’m not sure I’d be as gracias as I am with the one who was if I was lied to.  As a measure a lie is not being true to one’s self or others. I’m thrilled that that contact figured out she wanted to parent without dragging anyone into a drama and tear filled issue at the hospital. Not that that’s unheard of even with the most devoted of their Adoption plans just that we were lucky to not get that far for disappointment.

Does that mean we aren’t sympathetic the answer is no. We understand our risks and as always a woman who decides to parent is amazing in many ways. Not only did she think of extending  life with an adoption plan but she tried her darnedest to follow through but couldn’t; however that plays out (Family/Friends step up or the father steps up, etc).

 So I hope to lose my adoption self in our trip to Italy with friends from the other coast.  I am anxious I won’t get the grammar correct or I don’t negotiate enough but just the ability to go and lose myself in our friends and my husband and myself is key on this journey.

I continue to hope each and every day that we will find a match but I can no longer put our lives on hold while we wait.

Many blessings to us all in the wait!

The Text! a Contact....

The Text! What a joy to see when you’re trying to adopt. 

We recently had a contact that we met with and enjoyed very much.  We've been chatting via text for a few weeks and unfortunately had to terminate contact with her today.  I can’t express in words all the heartache that entails.  Just as you begin to think this could be it and then the follow through doesn't happen on their end.  That’s when your dreams come crashing down, landing at your feet, screaming,  that you should have listened only to your head and not let your heart have any say in the matter.

The short of it is that she didn't provide proof of pregnancy after many weeks and for the best of us all we had to end our contact. It’s really one of the first things done in adoption but because she was in our state briefly we decided to meet up and see if we’d be a fit. The meet went great and all she had to do from there was contact the agency again and get in her proof of pregnancy. It wouldn't work that way for her, for whatever her reasons.  I can’t even know what they were because she still insisted she wanted us to be the parents.  So our agency advised us to cut off contact and we trust them on these matters. They are there to guide us all in the procedures that must be followed.  I do have a spark in me that thinks maybe she’ll get it together and reconnect with our agency but my head says it won’t happen. Just let it go and move on.

I’m then reminded by others going through similar situations now or in the past just how much of a blessing this might be. It also helps to connect with a friend who fosters and the daily trials they endure.  Really puts our woes in perspective. I feel much worse for them (our friends and the children they are fostering) than us. Our child’s parents could be out there looking at our profile and maybe even others trying to make that very difficult lifelong choice and all we have to do is be patient, believe, and wait. 

The time will come someday that we will be parents or we get off the merry-go-round and walk away knowing we believed, hoped, dreamed and did everything we could to become a family through open adoption.  

Welcome to a mini-meltdown and how it ends in laughter

Welcome to my mini-meltdown, don't worry it ends well.

So people always ask How's the adoption going?
Well there is no clear way to answer that question.  Honestly it's a hurry up and give your life over to waiting, advertising, bugging your friends and family to share your pages on social media and asking them to ask their friends/family to share us as well and constantly updating things with even the most mundane of daily life. Yep, Cleaned the house again today and watered the garden.
My phone is constantly in my hand or my pocket, I'm never ever without it after we missed a few calls 6 months ago.  Every time it dings I pick it up to see if we have a text or email.  I feel rude when with other people, even Don but I have to do it.  Believe me I wish I didn't but it is a part of the adoption plan. By The Way caller from Thailand stop calling at 4 am we aren't who you're looking for.

Why post so often? It helps a potential Birth mom have a glimpse into your life, even the everyday boring stuff.
Well it must be hard to wait. Duh!
How do you occupy your time? See the above first statement.
Then there is the adage that the wait is the hardest part and just keep living life because the right baby will find you.  OK, sure it'll eventually happen but not without all the pressure to do more, more, more because if you don't and someone else is you'll lose out.  Yep, certainly living life to the fullest when all you are thinking about is how to do more.
Seriously, the right mom WILL find us but it doesn't feel that way some days. This is when I need to step away, Breathe deep, and remember the following:

As always it's the friends who have no idea the day you're having who find that gem on You Tube and share it that brings back the laughter and reality that it's just a meltdown, let it happen and move on. Tomorrow is another day and the reality is expectant mom could find us tonight, tomorrow or in 6 months.