Depression after failure - We need your help!

So With IAC going out of business it’s been a whirlwind of not only emotions but a WTF do we do now.

I can say we contacted our local news to bring to light the problems IAC had and while it wasn’t a perfect piece at least we had our voices heard.

http://komonews.com/news/local/i-just-want-to-be-a-mother-families-agonizing-after-adoption-agency-suddenly-closes

I had a hard weekend recently in light of the closure and then our Superbowl party where I met the 2 babies who should’ve been our babies BFFS as it were. If our placement hadn’t failed last August our boy would’ve been about 2 months older than our friend’s boys they had in November/December.  It was a gratifying day to hold the babies for 8 hours but at the same time it was devastating. I actually cried the whole way home in a snow storm meaning it took us 3 hours to get home.  Now I know it’s on me and my emotions, etc but seriously it’s been 4 years and I’m human.  The week leading up to this is what I think broke me.  I’ve not had issues when the others were born, except to be jubilant in their arrival. I love those kids as my own.  I watched their parents grow up and then have them so what’s not to love!

Today, I find we’re at cross-roads.  I’ve contacted, many lawyers and none have contacted us back.  There was a lawyer in our news piece that I left a message with and here we are 5 days later and no response to our message I left for her.  I had also contacted a lawyer in Seattle and he took my name and number but never called me back; even after our social worker emailed him so ya that doesn’t breed any confidence. These are AAAA Lawyers so how are we supposed to be confidant with them handling our potential situation.  The answer is we aren’t.  Thankfully the lawyer we had with our failed placement is available but I haven’t reached out yet. This is on my to do list.

We are lucky to have own website on top of other social media but so far the biggest issue we’ve had is no one shares our pages.  Everyone says oh hey grats! hope it happens soon but no one steps up and shares us. So please if you follow us or even just read our blog please for the love of all please share our journey because now without an agency we’re stuck on word of mouth/social media. 

Our personal website is http://www.dndadoption.org/

Of course we still have FB, Twitter, Pinterest, Adoptimist, and you tube.

A Trifecta? Maybe and I hope so....

The Trifecta?:

Ok, It’s a normal everyday Monday and I had to run errands because, well lazy weekend.  I got our 3 year LMHL letter in the mail today.  YAY!  Now to fill it out and send it in!

Then our AC returned our call from late last Friday regarding some up-coming changes to the website I had some questions on.  While she couldn’t answer them outright she did send for more info so I should know within a few days.  Again I see this as a win.

Oh, look a call from ?? from IAC ok why are they calling.  Holy Moly someone is looking at us and uh YES!

Oh but wait what I actually said is please find out more because we just had our lives shattered a few months ago and I don’t want to be considered if we won’t be a good match.  Now you know 6 months ago I’d have immediately jumped yes, yes, yes call me!; Today not so much.  I am THRILLED we are being considered but I want to be sure it’s a good fit.  This is the sad face of adoption.  This is the reality that happens that most of us don’t talk about if we’re long waiters. I want this to work out and be the ONE but I’m also resigned to the fact she could choose another family or to parent.  Adoption is amazing and beautiful if a painful, emotional route to a family but I still keep the faith it’ll happen for us one day.

To me, on paper she is a perfect match for us but until we talk I won’t know. Here’s the one thing I do know, this potential match if it happens, no one will know.  I cannot put my family and friends through what we went through previously.  Only if it’s a success will anyone know.  Sorry family and friends but it benefits us all in the end.  Yes, I’m all for Open adoption but not the heartache that can happen from it not happening.  (Believe me someone or two or three in my adoption circle will be hearing from me because um high emotions but I trust them to say nothing and let me vent). I’m hoping our check in tomorrow gives us good info to move forward. I hope we can connect and get a rapport going.  So many emotions on all sides if you haven’t been here you don’t explicitly understand. I don't expect you to but please don't suppose because I posted this that we are matched; we aren't. It's  simply a contact and most of those go with the wind, I hope not here but I always hope that way but the fact is until we match, get relinquishment, and then get home it isn't a done deal. Even then we have to go through extensive post-placement reviews by the state to be sure everything is going as it should. So it's a brutal few months even after the birth/placement (should it happen). 

I may sound harsh or cold but honestly I’m not.  I’m protecting everyone’s’ hearts, including our own and the mother in question, it’s her child until she signs relinquishment's. I want nothing but the best for the child and their mother and I do hope it’s us but if it isn’t; it isn’t. I can’t help and won’t change who we are or what a mom may want for their baby. I want nothing more than to have a mother we really connect with who has a support network and open adoption in her heart.

Let’s rally! Go team Davis!

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Our journey to adoption after infertiltiy

This is a guest post I did for the Independent Adoption Center blog.

When Don and I met and started dating, I knew there was a very real possibility I couldn't have children.  It was a discussion we needed to have because my problem would become his if we got married.  I was very fortunate that he said “We’ll cross that bridge together someday when we’re ready”. That someday would come seven years later after we’d been married a few years. We began the infertility path with the usual tests and charts. I was referred to the Infertility and Endocrine center where we did additional, painful tests and determined surgery might be the key.  So as I signed a waiver that said 1 in 1000 who have this surgery will have a puncture; we moved forward.  I’d be that 1 in 1000 15 minutes into the procedure, so it wasn't finished.  After that we reevaluated our options to start a family.

It took many tear filled days and nights over the years as we went from infertility to looking into adoption options. We didn't have the resources then with the internet in its infancy.  Every time I thought I’d found a viable agency I’d find it had closed or was cost prohibitive.  We were looking to do international adoptions as well as domestic and just kept coming against a wall.  We then discussed not even trying to have a family.  That is always a family option but it wasn't in my heart or his.  We adore kids and want to be a family someday. We concentrated on our work, family, and friends.  Even as our friends, my younger brother and cousins were all having families of their own, we just kept working and enjoying our time with their children. It was always in the back of our minds though that we’d have to finish grieving and move forward.  Moving on meant we’d either look into adoption or just be a childless couple. We chose adoption as our option.

When we learned of Independent Adoption Center and its open adoption with lifetime counseling for all involved in the adoption triad, we jumped in with both feet.  We were only familiar with closed and semi-open adoptions until then and the openness really appealed to us.  It would take us about 9 months to get everything completed and the wait would begin.  They say the wait is the hardest part and really it doesn't sink in when you’re busy completing paper work, the home study, and your profile.  I think it keeps you so busy you don’t realize that the wait leaves you nothing to do but wait. The trick is to keep living but even I spent the first year of the wait putting off a trip that would take us to Europe for fear “the call” would come and we’d miss it. We took trips around the US but it’s so easy to hop on the next flight here and get where we need to be, unlike traveling abroad. We have adjusted to living again and have chosen to take the trip anyway this year and if we do get “the call” we can change our trip itinerary. The wait has its own timeline we can’t control and that can be frustrating as hopeful adoptive parents.  We've been waiting over a year but I know our extended family is out there we just have to wait for them to find us.