I'm not dead and we're still trying to adopt

So my last post was all about yay! A contact but then she turned out to be working with multiple agencies.

BIG FUCKING DISAPPOINTMENT!

So instead of matching with her after texting for almost 2 weeks we said good-bye and good-luck.

So now it’s December, almost the end of it actually and I realize I’ve seriously neglected the blog.

We were featured in our friend’s blog post this month and for that we were extremely grateful.  She was lucky to adopt this year after an excruciating wait and for her to feature us and a few other friends still waiting was a blessing to all of us especially since she doesn’t update the blog often because you know new parent, work, and school. She’s quite busy and extremely happy to be.  I can’t express how thrilled I am for them, seriously even though we are still waiting it’s amazing to see our adoption friends become a family.

Christmas is upon us and I’ve been ready for a few weeks.  I called early in the month for gift ideas, made my choices and they’ve been delivered and wrapped beneath the tree for a couple weeks.  This year was an order, ship, wrap season.  I hope everything we got works for everyone but if not I tried my best with my limited knowledge.  Turns out we’ll be having 16 people for Christmas this year  (I thought we’d have 10 which is doable) and my @400sq ft is going to be stretched to the max.  You see our house is a 2 story so most of the upstairs is bedrooms/bathrooms/kitchen leaving about 400sq ft.  The basement which we turned into our living room is also about 400 sq ft so not much respite there.  If I had known we’d have so many folks I’d have suggested a restaurant banquet space so we’d all have room and seats. 

What bums me out is I can’t cook us a Christmas dinner.  I mean I can but no one has a place to sit so I opted for appetizers this year.  I’m going to miss the family dinner. I love cooking for family and so this is a huge bummer for me; although I am still making my cheesecake (drunken cherry cheesecake) for dessert.  I refuse to give that up.  I’m also making my Pumpkin bread to share. 

I find myself this season giving all kinds of positive reinforcement for others in our agency and it’s often not easy (seriously for how long we’ve been waiting this sucks not because they don’t deserve it but because we’ve been passed over so often! But I refuse to be a Debbie downer it’s not me) but you know I know it makes a difference. The waiting sucks!  Period! No matter if its 5 months or 5 years but the difference is those waiting 5 years are seriously thinking it’s about time to quit vs those who just signed up thinking it’s gonna happen anytime.  I remember those days and then watching those days slide past as others dreams came true.

I can only hope that our dream can come through before I say enough is enough.  I’m tired of the almost, the failed matches, the failed placements.  I try to keep the faith that our family is out there. Since our resent contact was contacting multiple agencies and therefore we didn’t match with her my faith is restored in our agency diligence but I wish it’d been before we’d been contacted. It’s the downside of open adoption.

I’m also disappointed in our other agency who called me after we opted for a small partial refund (thus ending our contract).  As soon as the check cleared our account we received a call asking if we’d entertain an EM due a month from now.  I was asleep and even my asleep self said No. You aren’t getting me to re-sign up after our failed placement.  If you had this mom you could have presented her before we said no thank you. I have no faith in them and I’m done but it doesn’t mean I don’t get upset saying No, or that I don’t cry with the possibility I just turned down because I do.  I get upset every single time!

Someday we hope to be parents but I hope it happens before we say no more as each year looms closer to the no children option. When May rolls around and we have to update our home study and FBI clearances I guess we’ll see where I’m at.  It’s not a cheap process and if you have not gotten leads it’s a discouragement and a why? I’m also bummed our social worker is retiring this month so we’ll be working with someone new next year.

I love our social worker and am so bummed she wasn’t/won’t be here to witness our family being built. She adopted her 4 kids and has shared such great stories; I’d really hoped she’d been in our corner but 4 almost 5 years in she’s retiring. I sent her a card I hope she’s received.  She can’t explain why we haven’t been chosen and then neither can we or our AC so you know we just plug along.

So that’s December – It’s an emotional mix of emotions and themes.
So here’s Our Christmas tree this year and some of the presents under it.

A Trifecta? Maybe and I hope so....

The Trifecta?:

Ok, It’s a normal everyday Monday and I had to run errands because, well lazy weekend.  I got our 3 year LMHL letter in the mail today.  YAY!  Now to fill it out and send it in!

Then our AC returned our call from late last Friday regarding some up-coming changes to the website I had some questions on.  While she couldn’t answer them outright she did send for more info so I should know within a few days.  Again I see this as a win.

Oh, look a call from ?? from IAC ok why are they calling.  Holy Moly someone is looking at us and uh YES!

Oh but wait what I actually said is please find out more because we just had our lives shattered a few months ago and I don’t want to be considered if we won’t be a good match.  Now you know 6 months ago I’d have immediately jumped yes, yes, yes call me!; Today not so much.  I am THRILLED we are being considered but I want to be sure it’s a good fit.  This is the sad face of adoption.  This is the reality that happens that most of us don’t talk about if we’re long waiters. I want this to work out and be the ONE but I’m also resigned to the fact she could choose another family or to parent.  Adoption is amazing and beautiful if a painful, emotional route to a family but I still keep the faith it’ll happen for us one day.

To me, on paper she is a perfect match for us but until we talk I won’t know. Here’s the one thing I do know, this potential match if it happens, no one will know.  I cannot put my family and friends through what we went through previously.  Only if it’s a success will anyone know.  Sorry family and friends but it benefits us all in the end.  Yes, I’m all for Open adoption but not the heartache that can happen from it not happening.  (Believe me someone or two or three in my adoption circle will be hearing from me because um high emotions but I trust them to say nothing and let me vent). I’m hoping our check in tomorrow gives us good info to move forward. I hope we can connect and get a rapport going.  So many emotions on all sides if you haven’t been here you don’t explicitly understand. I don't expect you to but please don't suppose because I posted this that we are matched; we aren't. It's  simply a contact and most of those go with the wind, I hope not here but I always hope that way but the fact is until we match, get relinquishment, and then get home it isn't a done deal. Even then we have to go through extensive post-placement reviews by the state to be sure everything is going as it should. So it's a brutal few months even after the birth/placement (should it happen). 

I may sound harsh or cold but honestly I’m not.  I’m protecting everyone’s’ hearts, including our own and the mother in question, it’s her child until she signs relinquishment's. I want nothing but the best for the child and their mother and I do hope it’s us but if it isn’t; it isn’t. I can’t help and won’t change who we are or what a mom may want for their baby. I want nothing more than to have a mother we really connect with who has a support network and open adoption in her heart.

Let’s rally! Go team Davis!

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September

It’s been awhile but we did go to Dragon Con.  We had an absolute blast with our friends.

We did discuss what happened in TN and then we moved on.  It was the best medicine!

We went to concerts, Balls, and a rave.  We had our Best. Con. YET!

We can’t wait until next year! Our tickets are bought and another of our friend’s from Seattle is also planning to go.  We’ve asked her to go the last couple years but it hasn’t worked out so next year should be great as well.

The unfortunate issue is Don picked up a cold and on our flight home it started to manifest.  A couple days later I was down for the count.  His was a head cold of a few days with a slight cough that cleared up within 5 days.  I got the lung infection of Bronchitis that had me way under.  When I first got sick I thought ok in a few days it’ll go as his has; that didn’t happen ( I haven't been sick like this in years - a couple days of sniffles but not down and out sick like this was!).  I got the cold and it started on day one as a sore throat and a head cold and by day two it was in my lungs.  I waited it out with over the counter meds and lots of sleep for a week but then it was clear it was more than a cold.  I went to the clinic and the doctor was worried I might have a severe case of Phenomena.  Luckily my X-rays showed it was just Bronchitis. A bunch of prescriptions later I was sent home.  So for the next couple weeks I took my steroids, Antibiotics, inhaler, cough medicine, and cough syrup and I was beginning to feel better.   So that was my September. 

I was fortunate to be better and was able to make my friend’s wedding.  I was thrilled to be a part of her special day.

Now it’s October and it’s a reminder that soon we’ll be a part of the National Last minute Hospital List for our agency.  Honestly I thought we’d have the paperwork by now but I guess it’s a couple weeks out so there is still time for the letter to arrive.

What is the last minute Hospital List?

It simply means we’re on the list for all the areas our agency is involved in (meaning where they have offices). It’s really just a finite second chance because they really don’t have that many last minute placements but it is something better than nothing and a hope for a future of becoming parents.

So I await that letter so we can be included in Last minute hospital situations. We are also not far off from the top 50 longest waiting families so again more hope of even more exposure in our wait.

Until then I look forward to friends and family days (yesterday was a friend game day and it was 13 of us so I can't wait to see how it happens the next few months!) and look forward to the holidays this year.  My brother and his family moved home in August so I can’t wait to spend it with them after 4 years away. I’ve really missed them and am looking forward to this year. Today they were supposed to come visit but something happened and they couldn't so hopefully soon they can come visit.

Our agency site

It's Summer

Wow it's July and I haven't posted in quite awhile.  Life has been crazy busy since our last post in May.

So after our trip to Florida we settled back into the daily life, Don going to work and me working on the adoption stuff, pretty much non-stop.  We did a bunch of things around the house to keep busy and Don helped me in the garden to weed the overgrowth.  Sadly I've been busy and the weather hasn't cooperated as much as I'd like so the weeds are back and I have a ton of work to finish up out there.

In June I flew to Nashville and met up with some friends I'd never met.  I know sounds strange but I've "known them" about 9 years thanks to World of Warcraft and we were finally able to meet up in real life.  Now, I've actually met one of their sons 2 years ago in Atlanta for Dragon Con and Don has met 2 of their sons who also played with us so I wasn't worried. Some of our best friends we met through our guild in game.  Of course it was over the course of years before we agreed to meet anyone but they have become some of our best friends and being able to see them is always great! I even drove to Knoxville for a few days to spend time with my best friend. Don was on a business trip but was able to drive from Ohio down to TN on Thursday and we stayed with our friends then left in the morning to catch flights out of Nashville.  It was really a great trip.

Summer upon us we planned for our friend and his son to come for a visit.  That is always a great time over the fourth having them here.  I really wish we saw them more than 2-3x a year but it's life and we all move to where we live and work.  We're lucky to still be in active (not just Facebook friends kind of contact) contact over the years we've known each other.  We had hoped to stay here for the fourth of July and then drive to Oregon with them but it didn't work out.  You see we'd won a weekend stay at the beach through a charity auction last year and we needed to use the time. Unfortunately, his Son is in swimming so they couldn't go due to his matches but we did the weekend following their return home.

 Cruising the lake on the boat

  Jack loves being on the boat - it wasn't warm enough to swim but still a fun day

 The 4th of July BBQ

One of the fireworks

The drive to the beach on the Oregon coast was interesting.  It's a part of Washington and Oregon we don't usually see.  In fact we've never been to the Oregon coast so it was fun to see and visit.  The beach was great albeit cold.  We unfortunately had a weekend where it poured cats n dogs 90% of the time.  We did get a respite on Saturday morning and took the opportunity to walk the dogs down the trail to the beach and then along it.  Two miles later we were back at the house just in time as the rain re-started with a fury about 30 minutes later. We decided to leave on Sunday instead of Monday so Don could get a full days work in and boy that was a drive home.  The roads in and out are two lanes so we get 30 minutes past Astoria and then we're at a stop.  Accident Road closed the vehicle says as it passes our parked vehicle.  Ah ya ok so how long to wait? Well we debated the wait and turned around. Needless to say our 3 hour drive turned into 6.  It was a long day and made me glad we'd come home a day early.

 Our view from the beach house

 I'd say they loved their beach walk

 The trail to the beach

 Little beach shrine on the trail

 When we said we were going home - ya they didn't want to go

As soon as the car was packed (mind you it had been raining) this was our last view from the house

Next month we are flying to visit friends in Atlanta and will hopefully hear that their foster daughter is their adopted daughter (meaning mom has signed in front of a lawyer so the adoption process can begin).  Things are in motion but it's Foster Care Adoption so anything can and has happened to them.  Crossing our fingers this one comes to pass.
Happy Summer to All!

A Crazy Busy 2 weeks

All the crazy is over and our 4^th home study update is done.  Every year we get that email from our adoption coordinator that our fingerprints are due and it’s the signal that our home study update is due shortly after.  The fingerprinting is part of the FBI clearances due every year.  It’s always a difficult milestone to reach but this year they added additional papers to be filled out that I didn’t know about so it took a few trips to the police station and a phone call plus a print, form fill out, scan and email in order to get our fingerprints processed.

On top of the complications with getting all the correct paperwork for that was the notice that our doctor was closing.  Insert panic! We were able to get the scheduled appointments but I am so upset she is moving and closing the office.  We’ve been going to her for 13 years and in our small community she is like family, she knows us. We both saw her today for our updates and I wished her well but I will miss her.  We hugged and said good-bye but I always imagined her taking care of our new family once we adopt.  She was perfect as she adopted her 2 kids and knows how much it means to be personal and not judgmental.  I hope we find a new doctor who will be the same.  It’s part of my interview process now.

Our home visit also brought us some sad news that our social worker of the last 4 years is retiring at the end of the year.  I honestly felt a heavy brick hit me when she told us.  I, again, pictured her seeing us with our family for post-placement visits.  I love her she is such a great woman doing an amazing job who also adopted 4 kids so she completely understands the emotional roller-coaster of the wait, the paperwork, and the parenting of adopted kids she’s often shared. 

Fast forward a week of scammers trying to get us in their web and missed international phone calls and emails (which we couldn’t help anyway since we are going for domestic adoption) and she forwarded an email with some situations from an agency she’s worked with many times before.  So after reading tons of legal paperwork, I signed us up.  Yes, we are now with 2 agencies on top of our complete on-line presence.  I am hopeful that we will connect this year with a birth family. So if you know anyone thinking of adoption please forward our website, blog or agency page.

Giant Silent Void or 28 months and counting

I realized recently that I haven’t really talked adoption in quite awhile in my blog posts except in short blurbs.

Well, honestly there is nothing to report.  We’ve had a few contacts that were scams and were presented with a couple different situations that were way out of our range but otherwise it’s a GIANT.SILENT.VOID.   

I’m so glad to have the friends I’ve made in the adoption community though to share the wait and the ups and downs of it all. Today’s topic seemed to be the Last Minute Hospital List and someone mentioned only 8 more months until they’re eligible for the National list and I said yep, us too, especially since we aren’t eligible for the agencies local list since we live 2 states away.  She responded with I hope you never see that list and I needed that.  I hope neither of us sees that list but it’s good to know it’s there.

So with not much going on I’ve taken the time to refresh this blog with easier to navigate pages and have updated the color scheme. I’ve also starting making a private adoption website as just another way to spread the word it’s been 28 months and counting and we are SO ready to be chosen.

The website is nice because I can keep it pretty streamlined unlike Facebook, Twitter, or many of our other sites where you have to dig through tons of info.  I like that if all you want to see are pictures I can have nothing but tons of pictures to look at or if you want bullet points on some of our favorite things it’s there. It’s definitely a work in progress but if you would like to have a look you can find it HERE. 

On another note we'll be going to a Super Bowl party at our friend's place and I can't wait.  Really hoping for a Denver win but we'll see how it goes, Carolina was a tough team this year.

After that it's home where I have to prep for Jury Duty for the next few weeks. Really not looking forward to that at all.

A cloudy day is no match for a sunny disposition

A cloudy day is no match for a sunny disposition – William Arthur Ward

I saw this on a church sign while driving home from the store and it is absolutely true.  I’ve been looking at the wait in a whole different light this week and all it took was a simple quote to hit home.

We’ve been through a lot in the last 3 years to give up now.  So much paperwork and SO many scammers!  It was especially hard on us when K miscarried because I’d grown so close to her and looked forward to talking every day.  It wasn’t easy getting over what happened, like it happened to us, well it did but indirectly.  No one knows what to say about such things in the everyday but much less so in adoption.  It’s a tough hurdle and it took me a lot of time to make peace with.

 However, I’m back and looking forward to growing our family through adoption.  They say everything happens for a reason and in the right time so I’m trying my best to embrace that. I’m hoping to have a similar relationship with our expectant mom where we both look forward to daily chats and hopefully it can grow into more of a sisterhood of shared experience and love for each other and the child.

I’m so thankful to our support system, especially my best friend, who herself is going through so much right now but she’s always there, as I am for her. I can’t imagine trying to go through an adoption alone without support of family and friends. I hope our future birth mom will have that support as well but if they don’t I hope they know they have IAC and us as their champion for support before, during, and after birth.

So no more conscience cloudy days for me I WILL regain my sunny disposition and continue forward to our dream of becoming parents.

Is it negative or is it real?

The true value of an adoption blog is about being who you are in all the messy glory that entails.  Not every day is sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns. That said, I and others in the adoption blog community have been told our blogs are too negative and should add more fluff to make people happy; to entice expectant mothers to want to read more and possibly pick us to parent her child. I hope the expectant mom who reads this blog and picks us knows shes seeing us not fluff.

I’m all for being real.  I can’t and won’t live with faking myself, my emotions or our lives.  The emotions, all of them, in our journey are very real. The blogs I read are real people with real ups and downs and from all angles of adoption. I read birth mother blogs, hopeful adoptive parent blogs and blogs of those who have adopted domestically, internationally and through foster care.  They all have unique perspectives and I feel the more we read the better informed we are and will be when our time comes. 

I believe that showing yourself in your true light is how to get noticed by the right family. Open adoption is a difficult path for everyone involved and also extremely rewarding when the match is right.  I've watched it unfold for many happy families with our agency.  Is everything always perfect? No, but having the right match with the right expectant mom will be our gift.  I want that expectant mom to know us, the real us, when she chooses us for her adoption plan.  I have a great desire in maintaining that relationship for life because our child is for life.  In that desire I have to know and so does she, that we are right for that lifelong commitment. However that looks for her and us at match, placement, and as life goes on. We need to be flexible but committed with our agreed on plan which is built on trust and if we are true in our blog and other social media then when we talk she'll know it's truly us.

There are so many variables in people and it’s just as varied in adoption.  You never know what an expectant mom will be looking for or where she will see you so that online snap shot of who you are better be the people she meets.  

If our blog seems negative or depressing to you, try looking at it from a different perspective.  What may seem one way to you may be giving others hope or just the knowledge they aren't alone with how they are feeling that day. It’s also about our adoption journey no one else’s.  It’s as unique as everyone’s fingerprints.

Our blog is about processing our emotions whatever they may be. It’s about two people looking to have an open adoption. It’s about showing snippets of our daily lives from food, to pets, to vacations, to remodeling, playing games with friends or spending time with family. It’s about our dreams and holding on to hope, having faith it’ll happen, and writing about it. It’s about documenting everything while waiting to adopt to look back on. It’s about a future we long to have as a family of 3.