I'm not dead and we're still trying to adopt

So my last post was all about yay! A contact but then she turned out to be working with multiple agencies.

BIG FUCKING DISAPPOINTMENT!

So instead of matching with her after texting for almost 2 weeks we said good-bye and good-luck.

So now it’s December, almost the end of it actually and I realize I’ve seriously neglected the blog.

We were featured in our friend’s blog post this month and for that we were extremely grateful.  She was lucky to adopt this year after an excruciating wait and for her to feature us and a few other friends still waiting was a blessing to all of us especially since she doesn’t update the blog often because you know new parent, work, and school. She’s quite busy and extremely happy to be.  I can’t express how thrilled I am for them, seriously even though we are still waiting it’s amazing to see our adoption friends become a family.

Christmas is upon us and I’ve been ready for a few weeks.  I called early in the month for gift ideas, made my choices and they’ve been delivered and wrapped beneath the tree for a couple weeks.  This year was an order, ship, wrap season.  I hope everything we got works for everyone but if not I tried my best with my limited knowledge.  Turns out we’ll be having 16 people for Christmas this year  (I thought we’d have 10 which is doable) and my @400sq ft is going to be stretched to the max.  You see our house is a 2 story so most of the upstairs is bedrooms/bathrooms/kitchen leaving about 400sq ft.  The basement which we turned into our living room is also about 400 sq ft so not much respite there.  If I had known we’d have so many folks I’d have suggested a restaurant banquet space so we’d all have room and seats. 

What bums me out is I can’t cook us a Christmas dinner.  I mean I can but no one has a place to sit so I opted for appetizers this year.  I’m going to miss the family dinner. I love cooking for family and so this is a huge bummer for me; although I am still making my cheesecake (drunken cherry cheesecake) for dessert.  I refuse to give that up.  I’m also making my Pumpkin bread to share. 

I find myself this season giving all kinds of positive reinforcement for others in our agency and it’s often not easy (seriously for how long we’ve been waiting this sucks not because they don’t deserve it but because we’ve been passed over so often! But I refuse to be a Debbie downer it’s not me) but you know I know it makes a difference. The waiting sucks!  Period! No matter if its 5 months or 5 years but the difference is those waiting 5 years are seriously thinking it’s about time to quit vs those who just signed up thinking it’s gonna happen anytime.  I remember those days and then watching those days slide past as others dreams came true.

I can only hope that our dream can come through before I say enough is enough.  I’m tired of the almost, the failed matches, the failed placements.  I try to keep the faith that our family is out there. Since our resent contact was contacting multiple agencies and therefore we didn’t match with her my faith is restored in our agency diligence but I wish it’d been before we’d been contacted. It’s the downside of open adoption.

I’m also disappointed in our other agency who called me after we opted for a small partial refund (thus ending our contract).  As soon as the check cleared our account we received a call asking if we’d entertain an EM due a month from now.  I was asleep and even my asleep self said No. You aren’t getting me to re-sign up after our failed placement.  If you had this mom you could have presented her before we said no thank you. I have no faith in them and I’m done but it doesn’t mean I don’t get upset saying No, or that I don’t cry with the possibility I just turned down because I do.  I get upset every single time!

Someday we hope to be parents but I hope it happens before we say no more as each year looms closer to the no children option. When May rolls around and we have to update our home study and FBI clearances I guess we’ll see where I’m at.  It’s not a cheap process and if you have not gotten leads it’s a discouragement and a why? I’m also bummed our social worker is retiring this month so we’ll be working with someone new next year.

I love our social worker and am so bummed she wasn’t/won’t be here to witness our family being built. She adopted her 4 kids and has shared such great stories; I’d really hoped she’d been in our corner but 4 almost 5 years in she’s retiring. I sent her a card I hope she’s received.  She can’t explain why we haven’t been chosen and then neither can we or our AC so you know we just plug along.

So that’s December – It’s an emotional mix of emotions and themes.
So here’s Our Christmas tree this year and some of the presents under it.

A Trifecta? Maybe and I hope so....

The Trifecta?:

Ok, It’s a normal everyday Monday and I had to run errands because, well lazy weekend.  I got our 3 year LMHL letter in the mail today.  YAY!  Now to fill it out and send it in!

Then our AC returned our call from late last Friday regarding some up-coming changes to the website I had some questions on.  While she couldn’t answer them outright she did send for more info so I should know within a few days.  Again I see this as a win.

Oh, look a call from ?? from IAC ok why are they calling.  Holy Moly someone is looking at us and uh YES!

Oh but wait what I actually said is please find out more because we just had our lives shattered a few months ago and I don’t want to be considered if we won’t be a good match.  Now you know 6 months ago I’d have immediately jumped yes, yes, yes call me!; Today not so much.  I am THRILLED we are being considered but I want to be sure it’s a good fit.  This is the sad face of adoption.  This is the reality that happens that most of us don’t talk about if we’re long waiters. I want this to work out and be the ONE but I’m also resigned to the fact she could choose another family or to parent.  Adoption is amazing and beautiful if a painful, emotional route to a family but I still keep the faith it’ll happen for us one day.

To me, on paper she is a perfect match for us but until we talk I won’t know. Here’s the one thing I do know, this potential match if it happens, no one will know.  I cannot put my family and friends through what we went through previously.  Only if it’s a success will anyone know.  Sorry family and friends but it benefits us all in the end.  Yes, I’m all for Open adoption but not the heartache that can happen from it not happening.  (Believe me someone or two or three in my adoption circle will be hearing from me because um high emotions but I trust them to say nothing and let me vent). I’m hoping our check in tomorrow gives us good info to move forward. I hope we can connect and get a rapport going.  So many emotions on all sides if you haven’t been here you don’t explicitly understand. I don't expect you to but please don't suppose because I posted this that we are matched; we aren't. It's  simply a contact and most of those go with the wind, I hope not here but I always hope that way but the fact is until we match, get relinquishment, and then get home it isn't a done deal. Even then we have to go through extensive post-placement reviews by the state to be sure everything is going as it should. So it's a brutal few months even after the birth/placement (should it happen). 

I may sound harsh or cold but honestly I’m not.  I’m protecting everyone’s’ hearts, including our own and the mother in question, it’s her child until she signs relinquishment's. I want nothing but the best for the child and their mother and I do hope it’s us but if it isn’t; it isn’t. I can’t help and won’t change who we are or what a mom may want for their baby. I want nothing more than to have a mother we really connect with who has a support network and open adoption in her heart.

Let’s rally! Go team Davis!

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Learning to make an Adoption Video

So making an adoption video should be easy right?
Well, not as easy as it may seem.  I spent 7 hours on Saturday uploading and editing to create a video only to upload it to You Tube and have it watermarked the whole way through smack in the middle of the video.  UGH!!! So much time wasted and now back to square one which is buy a different program and download it.  So I bought one and it wasn't the same at all to the one I had used before, although from the same company meant back to that learning curve I'd had the day before.  That turned into another frustrating experience so I read a bunch of reviews and bought yet another program.  Back, again, to square one after download.
So I'm getting the hang of this new program but it's still time consuming because it comes with only 2 templates and they are in no way what I wanted so I spent Monday downloading templates, titles, etc into the program.  I then started a project, got half way through and tossed it out.  Tuesday I actually produced the video and it was pretty good but now I needed to learn the audio so off to You Tube school I went.  Audio was pretty intuitive but I was just missing one key component Thanks You Tube guy!
So now the audio is done and I plug it into the video so I produce it and can't get it to save in an up-loadable format for our website, so I stopped because after 4 days of roadblocks and frustration I needed to step away.
Wednesday was our 20th Anniversary but Don is out of town, so I'm determined to get this thing done and uploaded.  I produced it a few times and then made more changes and long story short I finally got it to save in the correct format for upload to the website so I upgrade our website to handle video so I can forgo using the you tube video and it keeps having an error on upload.  I went back and produced every usable format of the video to try uploading, none of them work.  I sent in an email to customer service and thankfully they were really nice about the situation.  I was able to load the video to one drive, share it and they were able to upload it directly to our website for me.  Turns out the loader was timing out before the video could upload and looping which was causing the error.  So while I had no trouble uploading it to You Tube, our internet connection was too slow for their timeout (Life in the burbs).  Thankfully, as of next week our internet speed will triple (and still be behind the cities) and it shouldn't continue to be an issue.
Learning new things can be frustrating but I am so glad I took the time to learn them.  It will really come in handy later when I am piecing together videos and pictures of our child to share with the birth family (if they want them) and our own families.  I plan to get making videos of our travels until I get all the components ingrained and no longer have to think about what I'm doing.  My aunt does this for the family but she is the only one until now.  As frustrating as it was I was having fun in the end learning something new and useful once I got the right program for me to use.
If you're interested in our video it can be found Here
In other news Don and I are actually doing some fun stuff for our anniversary this year (although late) and I can't wait to share it all once it's over and I have details and pictures.
Have a great week everyone!

Fun in the sun with family on my cousin's sailboat

Giant Silent Void or 28 months and counting

I realized recently that I haven’t really talked adoption in quite awhile in my blog posts except in short blurbs.

Well, honestly there is nothing to report.  We’ve had a few contacts that were scams and were presented with a couple different situations that were way out of our range but otherwise it’s a GIANT.SILENT.VOID.   

I’m so glad to have the friends I’ve made in the adoption community though to share the wait and the ups and downs of it all. Today’s topic seemed to be the Last Minute Hospital List and someone mentioned only 8 more months until they’re eligible for the National list and I said yep, us too, especially since we aren’t eligible for the agencies local list since we live 2 states away.  She responded with I hope you never see that list and I needed that.  I hope neither of us sees that list but it’s good to know it’s there.

So with not much going on I’ve taken the time to refresh this blog with easier to navigate pages and have updated the color scheme. I’ve also starting making a private adoption website as just another way to spread the word it’s been 28 months and counting and we are SO ready to be chosen.

The website is nice because I can keep it pretty streamlined unlike Facebook, Twitter, or many of our other sites where you have to dig through tons of info.  I like that if all you want to see are pictures I can have nothing but tons of pictures to look at or if you want bullet points on some of our favorite things it’s there. It’s definitely a work in progress but if you would like to have a look you can find it HERE. 

On another note we'll be going to a Super Bowl party at our friend's place and I can't wait.  Really hoping for a Denver win but we'll see how it goes, Carolina was a tough team this year.

After that it's home where I have to prep for Jury Duty for the next few weeks. Really not looking forward to that at all.