I will miss you

Dearest K,

We've spent the last six weeks getting to know each other. Even though you were early in your pregnancy I never doubted your commitment for this open adoption.  I loved our conversations and the pictures we exchanged in anticipation for what was next. The long and short conversations we’d have every day, I’ll miss those.  I could feel the excitement even through email as our trip to meet and match was getting closer. You are Bright, beautiful, and one of the sweetest people I've had the privilege to “meet”.

Today everything would change. I've been dreading that phone call.  I was hoping it would never come to pass but it remained in my mind since you first told me. I know how upset you are about this for us and we feel the same for you.

Today my heart breaks.  It breaks for you, us and what could have been. It breaks because I can’t be there for you as you go through this. It breaks because I knew when I woke this morning that something must be wrong because you hadn't responded and that isn't like you. I wish I could call you and let you know it’s going to be ok and how sorry we are. We wanted nothing more than to include you in our lives but what’s important now is you. Please know it isn't anyone's fault, nothing could have been done. I know how strong you are and you will get through it, just as we will but know this I will miss you!

Please know if you need to talk I’m still here for you.

Sincerely,

Nicole

Ramblings from a stressed mind

So we’re trying finalize plans for our trip to Italy and oh boy! The stress and anxiety are setting in.

We’re also dealing with the disappointment of our last contact and her unwillingness to provide proof of pregnancy to us or our agency.  This was a devastating blow to us.  Not that some things didn’t seem to add up but that things seemed to be going in the right direction and then Bam! A wall x3 and consequently a severed line.

That’s the truth with Adoption.  It’s a never ending stream of doubt, hope, faith, and disappointment. No matter how you come to adoption on any side of the triad it’s got you in a knot at some point.

We had a contact that was feeling out her options and we knew going in it was a likely no go.  We watched, added our 2 cents as warranted and she had her child on the 5th.  I feel privileged to share that with her because of her honesty.  We’ve had other contacts that weren’t up front an honest and I’m not sure I’d be as gracias as I am with the one who was if I was lied to.  As a measure a lie is not being true to one’s self or others. I’m thrilled that that contact figured out she wanted to parent without dragging anyone into a drama and tear filled issue at the hospital. Not that that’s unheard of even with the most devoted of their Adoption plans just that we were lucky to not get that far for disappointment.

Does that mean we aren’t sympathetic the answer is no. We understand our risks and as always a woman who decides to parent is amazing in many ways. Not only did she think of extending  life with an adoption plan but she tried her darnedest to follow through but couldn’t; however that plays out (Family/Friends step up or the father steps up, etc).

 So I hope to lose my adoption self in our trip to Italy with friends from the other coast.  I am anxious I won’t get the grammar correct or I don’t negotiate enough but just the ability to go and lose myself in our friends and my husband and myself is key on this journey.

I continue to hope each and every day that we will find a match but I can no longer put our lives on hold while we wait.

Many blessings to us all in the wait!

The Text! a Contact....

The Text! What a joy to see when you’re trying to adopt. 

We recently had a contact that we met with and enjoyed very much.  We've been chatting via text for a few weeks and unfortunately had to terminate contact with her today.  I can’t express in words all the heartache that entails.  Just as you begin to think this could be it and then the follow through doesn't happen on their end.  That’s when your dreams come crashing down, landing at your feet, screaming,  that you should have listened only to your head and not let your heart have any say in the matter.

The short of it is that she didn't provide proof of pregnancy after many weeks and for the best of us all we had to end our contact. It’s really one of the first things done in adoption but because she was in our state briefly we decided to meet up and see if we’d be a fit. The meet went great and all she had to do from there was contact the agency again and get in her proof of pregnancy. It wouldn't work that way for her, for whatever her reasons.  I can’t even know what they were because she still insisted she wanted us to be the parents.  So our agency advised us to cut off contact and we trust them on these matters. They are there to guide us all in the procedures that must be followed.  I do have a spark in me that thinks maybe she’ll get it together and reconnect with our agency but my head says it won’t happen. Just let it go and move on.

I’m then reminded by others going through similar situations now or in the past just how much of a blessing this might be. It also helps to connect with a friend who fosters and the daily trials they endure.  Really puts our woes in perspective. I feel much worse for them (our friends and the children they are fostering) than us. Our child’s parents could be out there looking at our profile and maybe even others trying to make that very difficult lifelong choice and all we have to do is be patient, believe, and wait. 

The time will come someday that we will be parents or we get off the merry-go-round and walk away knowing we believed, hoped, dreamed and did everything we could to become a family through open adoption.  

A Letter...

To Someone I've never met,

I know we talked through messages about 6 weeks ago.  I know you are being proactive in searching your soul for an answer that only you can find. I want you to know I am here if ever you need me.

I can only see what you let me and what I do see is an incredible lady who is wise beyond her years and has a great sense of humor.  I see that person hurting and lonely and yet loved and supported. I see your faith, determination and strength of will.  Hang onto that as you continue forward.

Only you can determine what is right for you because ultimately it’s your life.  Don’t let those with closed minds or hearts disrupt yours.  You are a beautiful person inside and out.  Let yourself shine bright and enjoy everything around you even if it seems hard, you will get through it.  If life didn't have challenges we’d never learn how to navigate the world and the others in it or to appreciate the beauty that surrounds us.  

I've been asked why I care about someone I don’t even know and the answer is simple.  I care because it’s who I am and you reached out to me.  I care because as I watch from a distance my heart breaks as I read some of what you’re dealing with.  I can’t imagine how you feel but I can empathize with you. I know when something happens and I send a message that it will go unanswered and that’s OK.  I’m sending it anyway because I want you to know you aren't alone.

As you travel along the pregnancy road remember to be kind to yourself.  It isn't easy navigating pregnancy as your body changes and growing baby is keeping you up.  It’s increasingly more difficult to keep up with work and school when you’re exhausted and sick.  You are doing it though!

We don’t know if you will make an adoption plan or if you’ll parent but either way please know we are here and we care about you.  You can talk to us anytime if you need someone outside your circle to talk to without pressure to choose one way or the other.

Respectfully yours,

Nicole

Empathy, Autism, Friendship and Parenting

I've been reading a lot of parenting articles and one recently mentioned parents not teaching kindness and empathy in children.  As a sensitive and empathetic person I find it disturbing to say the least. I do believe the parents are the keys to unlock our kids potential, among many other factors and kindness towards ourselves and others is absolutely necessary. I realize right and wrong trump it most times but seriously isn't hard to touch base on even in the right/wrong lesson.
A story of when I was in 6th grade; A girl about half way through the school year moved to the super small town I lived in.  She Always wore bowling shoes and people made fun of her and her simple nature.  I took offense and I was myself chastised for being kind to her and empathic. I realize now she was autistic but back then we didn't have a word for it (even if we did I was in 6th grade and didn't know it).  She had a great family, she was kind, fun, and I hope her life turned out amazing. I spent time with them for about a year before I moved away. She was so real I still smile thinking of her, her bowling shoes, her black bob and our friendship and to those fellow students who laughed you really missed out!
Wanting to have a family ourselves I keep in mind the people I knew and read the articles I can so I can be as informed and reflective as possible. I hope to be the parent that teaches right, wrong, empathy, kindness, and silliness.