Open Adoption: What is it and why we chose it and our agency.

We’ve been asked a lot about how open adoption works, why we are waiting so long, and aren’t we worried about contact after placement. Most recently we were asked about adoption and our agency from an expectant father who called us looking for an agency and asking questions on how to place.

So the basics of a modern adoption are that the expecting parents choose the family.  We aren’t on some numbered list of the past where we get a call from the agency to pick up a newborn.  However, there is a last minute hospital list we aren’t eligible for but again the family is chosen by the birth parents.

The open part of the adoption is different for every family.  It is outlined into an agreement with the agency, expecting parents, and hopeful adoptive parents to meet the needs of all of us.  Some families have lots of contact, some only want letters and pictures or Facebook updates. This is one of the more important aspects of the open adoption.  Our agency always reminds us not to go overboard with contact but be realistic when it comes to being able to maintain that level of contact for years to come. You can always see each other more often than stated in the agreement but if you over promise it can damage your relationships.  We agree with that. We want as open and realistic adoption plan as possible but it has to work and be comfortable for the expecting parents as well.

So in an open adoption is it co-parenting? No it isn’t.  It’s about the birth family getting updates and seeing how happy and loved their child is.  Adoption is a choice made out of love for the child and wanting the child to grow up in a stable and loving environment that the birth parents aren’t in a position to provide at this point in time. The child grows up knowing about his/her adoption and any questions he/she may have as they grow up they can ask their parents or their birth family.  There is less confusion and angst when the child grows up knowing why they were placed and where they come from and who do I look like. Many families who have adopted through our agency say the birth family is an extension of their own family.

So we chose open adoption but why did we choose IndependentAdoption Center in California instead of an agency in our home state? They are ethical, advocate for birth parents, and explain all options.  They have offices in 8 locations around the US not just California. They have lifelong counseling if needed by anyone in the triad (birth parents, adoptive parents, or the child) and I like that the social workers are different for hopeful adoptive parents and expectant parents. They have also been around a long time being one of the first agencies to advocate open adoptions and don’t discriminate.  Anyone eligible to adopt can adopt through them.  Other agencies we researched can and will say no to single people, LGBT, and religious differences among other things.  We prefer equality for everyone.

So why are you waiting so long? This is a hard one; we are like all the other waiting couples hoping for that perfect match.  For us we have had a few contacts that didn’t work out (one chose to parent, one went with another couple and one had a miscarriage so you just never know how things will turn out). We keep on waiting, hoping, and someday we will be parents if we remain patient with the process.  The right person will see our profile and we can move forward but until then waiting is all we can do.

I will miss you

Dearest K,

We've spent the last six weeks getting to know each other. Even though you were early in your pregnancy I never doubted your commitment for this open adoption.  I loved our conversations and the pictures we exchanged in anticipation for what was next. The long and short conversations we’d have every day, I’ll miss those.  I could feel the excitement even through email as our trip to meet and match was getting closer. You are Bright, beautiful, and one of the sweetest people I've had the privilege to “meet”.

Today everything would change. I've been dreading that phone call.  I was hoping it would never come to pass but it remained in my mind since you first told me. I know how upset you are about this for us and we feel the same for you.

Today my heart breaks.  It breaks for you, us and what could have been. It breaks because I can’t be there for you as you go through this. It breaks because I knew when I woke this morning that something must be wrong because you hadn't responded and that isn't like you. I wish I could call you and let you know it’s going to be ok and how sorry we are. We wanted nothing more than to include you in our lives but what’s important now is you. Please know it isn't anyone's fault, nothing could have been done. I know how strong you are and you will get through it, just as we will but know this I will miss you!

Please know if you need to talk I’m still here for you.

Sincerely,

Nicole

The Best Bits

I haven’t written in awhile but the best bit about adoption for us has been the community of support.  How great is that no matter where in the world we live we are united by a common thread. It doesn't mean our stories are the same or that our adoptions are anything but unique unto themselves but we all benefit from others experience.

We are still waiting to adopt and because of the community I am more able to have more positive days than not.  Sure I still have those moments of frustration and anxiety but the community rallies round and lifts my spirits. It will happen for us and I hope to one day be that support and guidance from the other side of adoption just as many are to me now.

I will leave you with a picture of us having a blast with friend's in New York.

Open Adoption is....

O is for Openness of heart in considering your options.

P is for Pensive which means deep thought often occupied by sadness. 

E is for Expecting. You are expecting a child and are making the toughest choice for your child and yourself.  Counseling and support can help you understand all of your options.

N is the Negative Connotation which we should all debunk. Adoption is surrounded in the past negative association of closed adoptions but it doesn't have to be that way.  Open adoptions help us all grieve, heal and rejoice in the choice to have an Open adoption for the child.

A is for Acceptance.  We all have a different path when it comes to adoption and the acceptance of our circumstance for how we arrived is vital.

D is for Determination to make a plan and live by it but remembering “A” above.

O is for Observing our agreement to each other and maintaining our connection.

P is for Planning.  As an expectant mom you plan for your child and as hopeful adoptive parents we plan for when our dreams of a family become a reality.

T is for Triad.  That is the term used in open adoption consisting of the birth parents, adoptive parents, and the child(ren) adopted.

I is for Insecurity.  We are all insecure and unsure what the future holds but just knowing its normal and having support will help ease it during the process and after.

O is for Official.  Having that official match and placement is the beginning of an exciting new journey.  That’s not to say it is easy but it will be worth it.

N is for New.  New experiences, new emotions, new family.  I hold onto this more than anything.  I am looking forward to the day we can be a family to each other and hopefully that includes the birth family as well.

A perfect balance of a work and play weekend

We were so busy this last weekend but it was full of fun!

On Friday night we moved half the computer room and removed the carpet and carpet pad.  Then I tired removing the floor tack which was harder than it seemed so Don finished it up on Saturday Morning.  After that he realized we couldn't just floor part of the computer area and so shut down my computer to move it until we could get the flooring in.  Now moving things isn't a problem but not having internet was entirely different. Thank goodness for cell phones!

After moving things from the room we began laying the cork underlay and then the flooring. However at 11am our brother in law arrived to help transport a large unwieldy TV to the local high school who was having a Marching Band fundraiser for electronics.  We not only donated the TV but also some cash. Don was in band and I was in Choir so funding those in our local schools is important to us.

After all that was done we had to get ready and drive to our friends place for game day/night.  We usually stay over because of the time and distance. We had a blast.  i spent most of my time with our friends wife and 2 granddaughters, now I realize that the word grand daughter is frightening but our friend is 42 and has been a grandma since her 30's. The girls are amazing and we had a blast playing bubbles, my little pet shop, and catch with them while the "guys" (not everyone playing was a guy) played a strategy board game. We stayed the night as we usually do due to distance but it was great because the youngest granddaughter turned 3 on Mother's day this year.  So awesome to be there for her big girl day. We had to leave fairly early to begin laying the flooring in the computer area of the basement which we didn't think would take very long based on the first room we did.  Uh Nope, because of the first room it's taking considerably longer but we are almost done as of tonight.

 The girls having Auntie do their make up

The floor is coming together although still unfinished

So Sunday night was special because our friend's had 2 extra tickets to see Neil Diamond in concert and I totally wanted to go.  I grew up with my family, especially an aunt of mine, loving Neil Diamond. I can't say I know all his music but we had a fantastic time!  I still can't believe he is 74 years old and doing such an amazing performance. I bought my aunt a shirt as a surprise even though she's gone to so many of his performances.  I just want her to know when I think of him I think of her and how much I love her!

Really was an amazing weekend.

The theme this weekend is walking for #WASO so I grabbed some photos of where we walk.

In our neighborhood there are a ton of parks, about 10 in a 3 mile radius.  This includes kid parks and dog parks as well as combo adult/kid parks.  We live on a lake (not literally its 2 blocks away from the road we live on but we have a private access dock for boats plus swimming, etc.). However most of our parks include a portion of the lake in which to swim plus play grounds and even skate parks or tennis courts.  Our local dog park is all fenced in Lake Front so your canine companions can swim and run, along with picnic tables for the family to hang out. . Our Lake is actually man made and generates some of our power.  They fill it in the spring from glacial run off from Mt. Rainier and then in the fall/winter it is slowly drained for power.  So the picture you see is the lake beginning to refill for late spring/summer boating/fishing season after a full draining this past winter (which is unusual they usually only drain it by 2/3rds)

The boat loading dock

Last summer with our friend's son swimming in the lake

Today was a beautifully warm day and I had to update our fingerprints for our adoption clearances.  Once done and mailed though I took the boys for a walk in the larger park on our way home.  It is across from the lake with a large double baseball field, Skate Park, Infant Park, kid play equipment, snack bar, and trails for the dogs.  With school still in session and a work day it wasn't packed like normal so it was a nice walk without distraction for them.

 baseball field looking towards the kid play ground

 It's grass and we love to roll in it

 the skater park

 On the trail today

Playing at one of the local neighborhood parks

We walked the baseball fields then headed down one of the trails on the opposite side of the park. It was so much fun for them and a picturesque view for me. The best part of living just outside the city is the closeness of community, parks, our Doctors and schools.  We are very lucky to have the Montessori about 6 lots down from us, our Doctor at most a ¼ mile, along with the elementary school next door and our coffee shop, gas station, Dentist, and dry cleaners exactly 1 mile from home.  What I love is its all walk able.  I don’t have to have a car to get where we need to be. The bonus is in the summer you can also pick blackberries along the main routes of the neighborhood.  We love fresh wild blackberries.  The dogs will get right in and pick and eat their own berries as we pick some for ourselves.

I truly love where we live and can’t wait to share it with a child as a family, yet we’re close to both Tacoma and Seattle (30 and 45 mins.) to give them all the museums, fresh market, and city experience. I miss living in Seattle but at the same time I wouldn't trade what we have here.  I think it’s a fairly unique but fading life for a child.

Home projects in full force

I haven’t posted in a while but we’re here and busy with many different things, like finding contractors for work in the main part of the basement and for the backyard. I will finally get the yard fenced, retaining walls and an upper deck.  I’m super excited to run around with my dogs out back and play ball with them and our future child.  It’s a long time coming for all of us!

We've been very busy around here with home projects.  They sound so easy and simple weekend tasks but as most people know it’s the unknown that sets you back. Our flooring came in right before we left for Italy and just as we were going to start painting and laying that flooring in the first room, Don was called to Arizona on business then he drove to California to spend time and help his parents that weekend following his week away. His mom recently had knee surgery and his parents could use some help with clearing things out, cleaning a bit around the house, and just moral support. Thankfully all is well on that front and she is recovering wonderfully and his weekend there was a big boost to his parent’s morale.

So we again begin to think of painting and flooring.  The first step is to remove all items from the room.  Now this was our store room and Don’s craft room so lots of stuff to move into the main basement area, then came removing the carpet and carpet pad.  Now the carpet wasn't so hard to cut and remove but the carpet pad was a bear. Once that was up and removed we had to remove the nailed into the concrete foundation carpet tacks.  That was so much fun, NOT! We inspected and repaired the foundation including those many nail holes from the carpet tacks but only after scrapping and scrapping some kind of fiber glue from it.  Don’s quote of the weekend was “I feel like Cinderella!” I couldn't stop laughing.  I, too, had attempted removing that glue from the foundation and it WAS NOT EASY!  Once we had the foundation in order, Don painted the room and ceiling. 

The following day we began laying the new flooring which was by far the easiest part besides the knee and back pain from being on the concrete floor for hours on end.  It was like we’d moved into a new house once it was done.  Removing the ghastly steel blue carpet for bamboo flooring increased the lightness of the room a 100X.  We gave the floor a week to settle before starting on the cabinets the following weekend (this past weekend).  I have to say I love the new room. It’s bright, airy, and just what a basement room needs.

This is the best way to rest while working

Finished room is dog inspected and approved!

Today was spent figuring out where all the stuff we had in that room was going to go and then moving it.  That room is now going to be my craft room and boy oh boy do I have a lot of stuff to transfer over from my current room. The sewing, scrap-booking, paints, etc will be fun to reorganize though into the new cabinets.  My current craft space will get redone into a family game room. We will not only store our games and play them in there with company but it will also have a TV for video games and my exercise machine.  I’m kind of looking forward to having a TV to watch while I exercise and it’ll be nice to have all the games in one spot.  We moved all the stuff into its new home today and throughout this coming week we will begin moving the computers and office area furniture into the main room.  Each area getting set up as we move it so we still have online and general computer access.  Once we get that done we hope to begin removal of the carpet and installation of the new floor.  Since we previously painted and redid this area minus the floor and lighting it should be a fairly smooth and quick weekend project.