Depression after failure - We need your help!

So With IAC going out of business it’s been a whirlwind of not only emotions but a WTF do we do now.

I can say we contacted our local news to bring to light the problems IAC had and while it wasn’t a perfect piece at least we had our voices heard.

http://komonews.com/news/local/i-just-want-to-be-a-mother-families-agonizing-after-adoption-agency-suddenly-closes

I had a hard weekend recently in light of the closure and then our Superbowl party where I met the 2 babies who should’ve been our babies BFFS as it were. If our placement hadn’t failed last August our boy would’ve been about 2 months older than our friend’s boys they had in November/December.  It was a gratifying day to hold the babies for 8 hours but at the same time it was devastating. I actually cried the whole way home in a snow storm meaning it took us 3 hours to get home.  Now I know it’s on me and my emotions, etc but seriously it’s been 4 years and I’m human.  The week leading up to this is what I think broke me.  I’ve not had issues when the others were born, except to be jubilant in their arrival. I love those kids as my own.  I watched their parents grow up and then have them so what’s not to love!

Today, I find we’re at cross-roads.  I’ve contacted, many lawyers and none have contacted us back.  There was a lawyer in our news piece that I left a message with and here we are 5 days later and no response to our message I left for her.  I had also contacted a lawyer in Seattle and he took my name and number but never called me back; even after our social worker emailed him so ya that doesn’t breed any confidence. These are AAAA Lawyers so how are we supposed to be confidant with them handling our potential situation.  The answer is we aren’t.  Thankfully the lawyer we had with our failed placement is available but I haven’t reached out yet. This is on my to do list.

We are lucky to have own website on top of other social media but so far the biggest issue we’ve had is no one shares our pages.  Everyone says oh hey grats! hope it happens soon but no one steps up and shares us. So please if you follow us or even just read our blog please for the love of all please share our journey because now without an agency we’re stuck on word of mouth/social media. 

Our personal website is http://www.dndadoption.org/

Of course we still have FB, Twitter, Pinterest, Adoptimist, and you tube.

WTF IAC - Time for a new direction

Today was not a good day because our agency of almost 4 years has shut down, blacked out, without reason. They have our documents that we need (and all the other families need and no word on how to obtain them!).

Ok sure they say it’s because of a changing climate that they can’t handle it but what of the 550+ people you took money from and aren’t following through with and I mean especially those families who just paid you a few days ago.  What of the Birth families who are supposed to have life time counseling that will no longer receive it?

I’m upset and so are all the other families.  This was done in a most shoddy way.  Of course no one employed by the agency can talk of it and neither can the board of director’s which 2 of them are my Facebook Friends so great but I’m not standing down.

This is complete bullshit in how it was handled and the CA AG will be hearing from me tomorrow along with whoever I can call.

I called an agency today and their response; I know we were completely taken by surprise – We’ve been working with IAC on a case we have and all was fine yesterday at 4pm when we spoke.  Now you might wonder why that is and the answer is the Board and those in charge of the IAC didn’t inform the staff that they’d be losing their jobs today and so for all IAC it was business as usual.

IAC handled this in the absolute worst fashion than they could have.  They really should have informed clients of the possibility, not taken on new clients or taken new fees towards PPC (google ads), and enlightened us who were waiting.  They could have sent the email before alerting everyone by disabling our community pages. They could have allowed us the time to request our records be returned to us.

Now we are all scrambling for new community pages, help, and just plain support! Our ACs are gone stuffed into a black out with the bankruptcy.  We can’t even thank them for their service and support.

The official press release said we were all notified and yet only about half of us were and after the fact.  I got the email about 12:30pm and some others never got it at all (like my husband and many friends’ waiting to finalize). Whatever is going on here isn’t normal and needs to be investigated.  I’m calling the DA in CA tomorrow. 

If you are a part of the IAC don’t stand by – make your voice heard.  Call the press, write the press, and make it public how all of us in the triad have been mistreated and our money and hope stolen from us!

I’m honestly appalled after 4 years and it’s going to take some time to sink in.

I now have to edit all our pages and websites to delete the now defunct IAC and as of now I have nothing to replace it with.  Ya I have a lawyer on speed dial but I had hoped for what IAC promised and it’s gone.  Time for more research! 

I'm not dead and we're still trying to adopt

So my last post was all about yay! A contact but then she turned out to be working with multiple agencies.

BIG FUCKING DISAPPOINTMENT!

So instead of matching with her after texting for almost 2 weeks we said good-bye and good-luck.

So now it’s December, almost the end of it actually and I realize I’ve seriously neglected the blog.

We were featured in our friend’s blog post this month and for that we were extremely grateful.  She was lucky to adopt this year after an excruciating wait and for her to feature us and a few other friends still waiting was a blessing to all of us especially since she doesn’t update the blog often because you know new parent, work, and school. She’s quite busy and extremely happy to be.  I can’t express how thrilled I am for them, seriously even though we are still waiting it’s amazing to see our adoption friends become a family.

Christmas is upon us and I’ve been ready for a few weeks.  I called early in the month for gift ideas, made my choices and they’ve been delivered and wrapped beneath the tree for a couple weeks.  This year was an order, ship, wrap season.  I hope everything we got works for everyone but if not I tried my best with my limited knowledge.  Turns out we’ll be having 16 people for Christmas this year  (I thought we’d have 10 which is doable) and my @400sq ft is going to be stretched to the max.  You see our house is a 2 story so most of the upstairs is bedrooms/bathrooms/kitchen leaving about 400sq ft.  The basement which we turned into our living room is also about 400 sq ft so not much respite there.  If I had known we’d have so many folks I’d have suggested a restaurant banquet space so we’d all have room and seats. 

What bums me out is I can’t cook us a Christmas dinner.  I mean I can but no one has a place to sit so I opted for appetizers this year.  I’m going to miss the family dinner. I love cooking for family and so this is a huge bummer for me; although I am still making my cheesecake (drunken cherry cheesecake) for dessert.  I refuse to give that up.  I’m also making my Pumpkin bread to share. 

I find myself this season giving all kinds of positive reinforcement for others in our agency and it’s often not easy (seriously for how long we’ve been waiting this sucks not because they don’t deserve it but because we’ve been passed over so often! But I refuse to be a Debbie downer it’s not me) but you know I know it makes a difference. The waiting sucks!  Period! No matter if its 5 months or 5 years but the difference is those waiting 5 years are seriously thinking it’s about time to quit vs those who just signed up thinking it’s gonna happen anytime.  I remember those days and then watching those days slide past as others dreams came true.

I can only hope that our dream can come through before I say enough is enough.  I’m tired of the almost, the failed matches, the failed placements.  I try to keep the faith that our family is out there. Since our resent contact was contacting multiple agencies and therefore we didn’t match with her my faith is restored in our agency diligence but I wish it’d been before we’d been contacted. It’s the downside of open adoption.

I’m also disappointed in our other agency who called me after we opted for a small partial refund (thus ending our contract).  As soon as the check cleared our account we received a call asking if we’d entertain an EM due a month from now.  I was asleep and even my asleep self said No. You aren’t getting me to re-sign up after our failed placement.  If you had this mom you could have presented her before we said no thank you. I have no faith in them and I’m done but it doesn’t mean I don’t get upset saying No, or that I don’t cry with the possibility I just turned down because I do.  I get upset every single time!

Someday we hope to be parents but I hope it happens before we say no more as each year looms closer to the no children option. When May rolls around and we have to update our home study and FBI clearances I guess we’ll see where I’m at.  It’s not a cheap process and if you have not gotten leads it’s a discouragement and a why? I’m also bummed our social worker is retiring this month so we’ll be working with someone new next year.

I love our social worker and am so bummed she wasn’t/won’t be here to witness our family being built. She adopted her 4 kids and has shared such great stories; I’d really hoped she’d been in our corner but 4 almost 5 years in she’s retiring. I sent her a card I hope she’s received.  She can’t explain why we haven’t been chosen and then neither can we or our AC so you know we just plug along.

So that’s December – It’s an emotional mix of emotions and themes.
So here’s Our Christmas tree this year and some of the presents under it.

A Trifecta? Maybe and I hope so....

The Trifecta?:

Ok, It’s a normal everyday Monday and I had to run errands because, well lazy weekend.  I got our 3 year LMHL letter in the mail today.  YAY!  Now to fill it out and send it in!

Then our AC returned our call from late last Friday regarding some up-coming changes to the website I had some questions on.  While she couldn’t answer them outright she did send for more info so I should know within a few days.  Again I see this as a win.

Oh, look a call from ?? from IAC ok why are they calling.  Holy Moly someone is looking at us and uh YES!

Oh but wait what I actually said is please find out more because we just had our lives shattered a few months ago and I don’t want to be considered if we won’t be a good match.  Now you know 6 months ago I’d have immediately jumped yes, yes, yes call me!; Today not so much.  I am THRILLED we are being considered but I want to be sure it’s a good fit.  This is the sad face of adoption.  This is the reality that happens that most of us don’t talk about if we’re long waiters. I want this to work out and be the ONE but I’m also resigned to the fact she could choose another family or to parent.  Adoption is amazing and beautiful if a painful, emotional route to a family but I still keep the faith it’ll happen for us one day.

To me, on paper she is a perfect match for us but until we talk I won’t know. Here’s the one thing I do know, this potential match if it happens, no one will know.  I cannot put my family and friends through what we went through previously.  Only if it’s a success will anyone know.  Sorry family and friends but it benefits us all in the end.  Yes, I’m all for Open adoption but not the heartache that can happen from it not happening.  (Believe me someone or two or three in my adoption circle will be hearing from me because um high emotions but I trust them to say nothing and let me vent). I’m hoping our check in tomorrow gives us good info to move forward. I hope we can connect and get a rapport going.  So many emotions on all sides if you haven’t been here you don’t explicitly understand. I don't expect you to but please don't suppose because I posted this that we are matched; we aren't. It's  simply a contact and most of those go with the wind, I hope not here but I always hope that way but the fact is until we match, get relinquishment, and then get home it isn't a done deal. Even then we have to go through extensive post-placement reviews by the state to be sure everything is going as it should. So it's a brutal few months even after the birth/placement (should it happen). 

I may sound harsh or cold but honestly I’m not.  I’m protecting everyone’s’ hearts, including our own and the mother in question, it’s her child until she signs relinquishment's. I want nothing but the best for the child and their mother and I do hope it’s us but if it isn’t; it isn’t. I can’t help and won’t change who we are or what a mom may want for their baby. I want nothing more than to have a mother we really connect with who has a support network and open adoption in her heart.

Let’s rally! Go team Davis!

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September

It’s been awhile but we did go to Dragon Con.  We had an absolute blast with our friends.

We did discuss what happened in TN and then we moved on.  It was the best medicine!

We went to concerts, Balls, and a rave.  We had our Best. Con. YET!

We can’t wait until next year! Our tickets are bought and another of our friend’s from Seattle is also planning to go.  We’ve asked her to go the last couple years but it hasn’t worked out so next year should be great as well.

The unfortunate issue is Don picked up a cold and on our flight home it started to manifest.  A couple days later I was down for the count.  His was a head cold of a few days with a slight cough that cleared up within 5 days.  I got the lung infection of Bronchitis that had me way under.  When I first got sick I thought ok in a few days it’ll go as his has; that didn’t happen ( I haven't been sick like this in years - a couple days of sniffles but not down and out sick like this was!).  I got the cold and it started on day one as a sore throat and a head cold and by day two it was in my lungs.  I waited it out with over the counter meds and lots of sleep for a week but then it was clear it was more than a cold.  I went to the clinic and the doctor was worried I might have a severe case of Phenomena.  Luckily my X-rays showed it was just Bronchitis. A bunch of prescriptions later I was sent home.  So for the next couple weeks I took my steroids, Antibiotics, inhaler, cough medicine, and cough syrup and I was beginning to feel better.   So that was my September. 

I was fortunate to be better and was able to make my friend’s wedding.  I was thrilled to be a part of her special day.

Now it’s October and it’s a reminder that soon we’ll be a part of the National Last minute Hospital List for our agency.  Honestly I thought we’d have the paperwork by now but I guess it’s a couple weeks out so there is still time for the letter to arrive.

What is the last minute Hospital List?

It simply means we’re on the list for all the areas our agency is involved in (meaning where they have offices). It’s really just a finite second chance because they really don’t have that many last minute placements but it is something better than nothing and a hope for a future of becoming parents.

So I await that letter so we can be included in Last minute hospital situations. We are also not far off from the top 50 longest waiting families so again more hope of even more exposure in our wait.

Until then I look forward to friends and family days (yesterday was a friend game day and it was 13 of us so I can't wait to see how it happens the next few months!) and look forward to the holidays this year.  My brother and his family moved home in August so I can’t wait to spend it with them after 4 years away. I’ve really missed them and am looking forward to this year. Today they were supposed to come visit but something happened and they couldn't so hopefully soon they can come visit.

Our agency site

We Survived a Failed Placement

So I’m starting this post off negatively but if you’ve wondered where we are it’s because we had a failed placement and it's taken me awhile to process it and write it out.  

Now before we get into the thick of it let’s talk basics.  Back in May we signed with a second agency and after a possible match, which I was dragging my feet on and then on day 3 the agency said wait, whoa don’t send in the match fee, we moved on and would eventually match with K. (yes another K name).

Now K was a quiet but an honest young lady.  Our attorney however put a doubt in our mind and it would cause some chaos that I’d maneuver in just a few very stressful days but it worked out.

We matched the end of May and by June I was working the attorney circuit looking for an attorney to represent her and I planned to go out and meet her and her son.  It was an awkward meeting because again she was a quiet person and I’m not good with small talk.  However, I found her to be sweet and her son to be a typical 3 year old.  I enjoyed meeting and spending time with them both. 

So we were texting everyday or every few days and things seemed to be progressing in a natural way.  She was working on getting herself in a better position once birth and placement happened and we were trying to make sure she had what she needed as she needed it.

Now the rub is; looking back; that she hinted at the things that would eventually undo our adoption plan.  Her family was happy she had an adoption plan they didn’t support her at all.  She used to be close to mom until….(not important). So ya the signs were there but I didn’t catch them per se.  I think I instinctively got it because I was so guarded but it wasn’t there at the time in the fore front. They always say in adoption literature and blogs if the family isn’t supportive it’s a BIG RED FLAG! Because 9 out 10 times they come forward at the hospital and offer support thus screwing the adoptive parents who’ve been supporting them for months as was the case with us.

Incoming RANT: 

Oh how I’d love to be able to get restitution on what we spent on support but you know it’s not an adoptive family friendly environment, in fact we have zero protection in these matters.  Honestly we’re the ones taking the financial and emotional risks (and the damn scammers that come with that – hello emotional trauma; again no recourse – WTF!!!!).

Ok Rant over and I feel better, moving on…..

So what happened in our case? Well the very simplified version is she asked for a day alone to reflect and have time to which we agreed.  Our friends were coming into town that day from out of state so we’d only planned on stopping in to visit her and the baby in the morning and then heading out.  She however then sent the late night text the night before asking for a bit of space so we obliged.

We met our friends at a restaurant/pub in the area where we were staying.  We had talked of going to the zoo or maybe visiting another local historical home.  Unfortunately while my friend and I were outside I got a text asking me to come by first thing in the morning that she needed to talk to us but everything was ok. I showed my friend and said that’s it it’s over she’s going to parent.  My friend the forever optimist said no, you don’t know that, just keep the faith.  I knew.  She’d call less than 10 mins later to tell me that she couldn’t do it and that she was only doing it because she didn’t have support and now she did and she just couldn’t go through with it. So bottom line is mom abandoned her when she was pregnant and homeless with a 3 year old but as soon as baby was born in the hospital no way could baby go to a family outside theirs.  

Now It actually happens quite often but if I’d read the signs properly I’d have had those questions answered before we ever got to delivery. There were other signs, some quite blatant but I’m not into the details just the basics here.  Mind you during this time my mom is excitedly asking me if she can post pics and info and I keep her at bay for 2 days and then this happened and I texted “She is going to parent” ya that’s not how I wanted this to go.  As much as I wanted it to be right, it wasn’t.  I wish her the absolute best, honestly. She is a good, kind-hearted, and loving lady.  She has 2 boys to raise and I do hope that offer of support for her and the kids continues to be there for her. I will never not think of her and hope she is doing well.

Now the best part is we have friends in with their son from out of town visiting when I get the phone call.  Don, our friend’s hubby and their son are off playing games and I want Don to have a good day.  I walk off to the bathroom not once but twice during our visit to cry in a stall.

My friend agrees not to say anything and buys me a shot of vodka (so glad to not be driving!), which woo took me a few sips to finish.  We then decide to go downtown and walk around (mind you my friend knows we’ll be leaving and wants us to see the city we’re in before we go.  Also note Don doesn’t know yet!).

After our trip to downtown Nashville to shop, walk, goof off, and eat, they drive us back to our car and follow us back to our friend’s place where we are staying.  It wasn’t until they left that I told Don what had happened 10 hours earlier.  We talked and he went to bed, I then went downstairs and into the family room of our friends where we are staying and told them.

Now I have no idea how I was able to keep it together for 10 hours before telling Don but I did because I wanted him to have a good day with our friends and not think about the adoption.  He even said why didn’t you tell me and I told him X and X were here and I wanted us to have good memories and a great visit.  Mind you we normally take a trip to Atlanta for Labor Day so we’d cancelled that because hello, becoming parents is top priority, but ya now it’s cancelled and we aren’t. So the trip home was rather somber as we explained where the baby was.  We had a car seat and stroller combo and a newborn sleeper that had to be shipped home.  I even had my carry on pulled by TSA because of baby stuff (my carry on had our diaper bag with clothes, diapers and wipes) and we had no baby; ugh!(side note the guy was super nice he was just doing his job).  However the best part was we could’ve taken the baby stroller/car seat combo and baby wrap back for a refund but we chose to bring it home as a symbol that we will be parents! We both still know we’ll be parents but we’re waiting for the right person to come along and make it happen for us and expand our family.

The planets must have aligned because next week we are going to Dragon Con and meeting our friend’s.  We definitely need this trip to be ourselves outside this process. We found new cheap flights and free hotel which is beyond abnormal (bye-bye points we’ve spent you all and then some).  I’m super excited because just last week we couldn’t go and I was a bit mopey.  I’m super excited to go even though half our friends can’t make it.  We’ll have a great time with our friends who experienced our heartbreak with us and helped us through that. Did I mention I'm super excited!

So where does that leave us now:

We are coming up on 3 years live in a short few weeks and we’re only 8 families out of the top 50 with our agency, which means the 50 longest waiting families so maybe this is where we are meant to be. Who can say for sure?  I do know that yesterday I opened Instagram and I saw this posted by a friend and fellow long waiter in this process, who has recently adopted, and it really struck me so I asked if I could share it.

So that's it we've survived a failed placement and are so very lucky for our support network. We have adjusted and are moving on in the right direction. Hopefully our meant to be is just around the corner.

It's Summer

Wow it's July and I haven't posted in quite awhile.  Life has been crazy busy since our last post in May.

So after our trip to Florida we settled back into the daily life, Don going to work and me working on the adoption stuff, pretty much non-stop.  We did a bunch of things around the house to keep busy and Don helped me in the garden to weed the overgrowth.  Sadly I've been busy and the weather hasn't cooperated as much as I'd like so the weeds are back and I have a ton of work to finish up out there.

In June I flew to Nashville and met up with some friends I'd never met.  I know sounds strange but I've "known them" about 9 years thanks to World of Warcraft and we were finally able to meet up in real life.  Now, I've actually met one of their sons 2 years ago in Atlanta for Dragon Con and Don has met 2 of their sons who also played with us so I wasn't worried. Some of our best friends we met through our guild in game.  Of course it was over the course of years before we agreed to meet anyone but they have become some of our best friends and being able to see them is always great! I even drove to Knoxville for a few days to spend time with my best friend. Don was on a business trip but was able to drive from Ohio down to TN on Thursday and we stayed with our friends then left in the morning to catch flights out of Nashville.  It was really a great trip.

Summer upon us we planned for our friend and his son to come for a visit.  That is always a great time over the fourth having them here.  I really wish we saw them more than 2-3x a year but it's life and we all move to where we live and work.  We're lucky to still be in active (not just Facebook friends kind of contact) contact over the years we've known each other.  We had hoped to stay here for the fourth of July and then drive to Oregon with them but it didn't work out.  You see we'd won a weekend stay at the beach through a charity auction last year and we needed to use the time. Unfortunately, his Son is in swimming so they couldn't go due to his matches but we did the weekend following their return home.

 Cruising the lake on the boat

  Jack loves being on the boat - it wasn't warm enough to swim but still a fun day

 The 4th of July BBQ

One of the fireworks

The drive to the beach on the Oregon coast was interesting.  It's a part of Washington and Oregon we don't usually see.  In fact we've never been to the Oregon coast so it was fun to see and visit.  The beach was great albeit cold.  We unfortunately had a weekend where it poured cats n dogs 90% of the time.  We did get a respite on Saturday morning and took the opportunity to walk the dogs down the trail to the beach and then along it.  Two miles later we were back at the house just in time as the rain re-started with a fury about 30 minutes later. We decided to leave on Sunday instead of Monday so Don could get a full days work in and boy that was a drive home.  The roads in and out are two lanes so we get 30 minutes past Astoria and then we're at a stop.  Accident Road closed the vehicle says as it passes our parked vehicle.  Ah ya ok so how long to wait? Well we debated the wait and turned around. Needless to say our 3 hour drive turned into 6.  It was a long day and made me glad we'd come home a day early.

 Our view from the beach house

 I'd say they loved their beach walk

 The trail to the beach

 Little beach shrine on the trail

 When we said we were going home - ya they didn't want to go

As soon as the car was packed (mind you it had been raining) this was our last view from the house

Next month we are flying to visit friends in Atlanta and will hopefully hear that their foster daughter is their adopted daughter (meaning mom has signed in front of a lawyer so the adoption process can begin).  Things are in motion but it's Foster Care Adoption so anything can and has happened to them.  Crossing our fingers this one comes to pass.
Happy Summer to All!