4th updates the Charm, right?

Where have I been after the disaster that befell us?

Well we took many months to look at ourselves and our goals introspectively. Adoption isn’t a certain; going to happen thing.  Yes, we do all we can to provide a glimpse into who we are and to put it “out there” but the fact remains you have to hope something resonates with someone to inquire because a  couple page brochure isn’t the whole of who you are. Then your agency goes under out of the blue so Stunned is an understatement. We had no clue what was about to happen.  After talking with multiple news outlets we got the story out there and so did so many other families affected.

Now, it’s June and we are into our 4^th update in our 4^th year. Updates are a redo of all your paperwork, medicals, fingerprints, and additional background checks. They are a pain to get done but we do it because we must if we want to adopt.  We have a new social worker, our other one has retired and while she’s reached out during our difficulties it does fall on our new Social workers shoulders.  We met last week for our current update and she is super sweet and wants to help anyway she can.  I was Super stoked she took some of our old printed IAC letters to alter and send to lawyers and hospitals to hold onto in case of an expectant mother wanting a placement.  I’m still worried it’ll never happen.  This is our last year and then I have to resign myself to be childless.  I keep hoping someone will see us and like us and contact us (who aren’t trying to scam us) but I’m honestly becoming deflated. The majority of my contacts are folks in Cameroon wanting VISAS and other such countries with the same expectations.

So I’m in the realm of independent adoption which means we are on the web, and we apply for situations through lawyers in our inbox.  I’m obviously still on Adoptimist and other websites for us such as our own website but it’s a scary place to be.

Besides that we have recently taken a trip to Miami and Key West with our friends and had a blast.  Now that may make you think of activity after activity but we just relaxed for once.  We walked, went to the beach, ate great food, and drove to the keys where we rented jet skies and shopped in town. It was the calmest vacation we’ve had in a while. We normally are a go see all the things but not this time.

The Golden Mammoth on the Boardwalk in Miami

A Trifecta? Maybe and I hope so....

The Trifecta?:

Ok, It’s a normal everyday Monday and I had to run errands because, well lazy weekend.  I got our 3 year LMHL letter in the mail today.  YAY!  Now to fill it out and send it in!

Then our AC returned our call from late last Friday regarding some up-coming changes to the website I had some questions on.  While she couldn’t answer them outright she did send for more info so I should know within a few days.  Again I see this as a win.

Oh, look a call from ?? from IAC ok why are they calling.  Holy Moly someone is looking at us and uh YES!

Oh but wait what I actually said is please find out more because we just had our lives shattered a few months ago and I don’t want to be considered if we won’t be a good match.  Now you know 6 months ago I’d have immediately jumped yes, yes, yes call me!; Today not so much.  I am THRILLED we are being considered but I want to be sure it’s a good fit.  This is the sad face of adoption.  This is the reality that happens that most of us don’t talk about if we’re long waiters. I want this to work out and be the ONE but I’m also resigned to the fact she could choose another family or to parent.  Adoption is amazing and beautiful if a painful, emotional route to a family but I still keep the faith it’ll happen for us one day.

To me, on paper she is a perfect match for us but until we talk I won’t know. Here’s the one thing I do know, this potential match if it happens, no one will know.  I cannot put my family and friends through what we went through previously.  Only if it’s a success will anyone know.  Sorry family and friends but it benefits us all in the end.  Yes, I’m all for Open adoption but not the heartache that can happen from it not happening.  (Believe me someone or two or three in my adoption circle will be hearing from me because um high emotions but I trust them to say nothing and let me vent). I’m hoping our check in tomorrow gives us good info to move forward. I hope we can connect and get a rapport going.  So many emotions on all sides if you haven’t been here you don’t explicitly understand. I don't expect you to but please don't suppose because I posted this that we are matched; we aren't. It's  simply a contact and most of those go with the wind, I hope not here but I always hope that way but the fact is until we match, get relinquishment, and then get home it isn't a done deal. Even then we have to go through extensive post-placement reviews by the state to be sure everything is going as it should. So it's a brutal few months even after the birth/placement (should it happen). 

I may sound harsh or cold but honestly I’m not.  I’m protecting everyone’s’ hearts, including our own and the mother in question, it’s her child until she signs relinquishment's. I want nothing but the best for the child and their mother and I do hope it’s us but if it isn’t; it isn’t. I can’t help and won’t change who we are or what a mom may want for their baby. I want nothing more than to have a mother we really connect with who has a support network and open adoption in her heart.

Let’s rally! Go team Davis!

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A Crazy Busy 2 weeks

All the crazy is over and our 4^th home study update is done.  Every year we get that email from our adoption coordinator that our fingerprints are due and it’s the signal that our home study update is due shortly after.  The fingerprinting is part of the FBI clearances due every year.  It’s always a difficult milestone to reach but this year they added additional papers to be filled out that I didn’t know about so it took a few trips to the police station and a phone call plus a print, form fill out, scan and email in order to get our fingerprints processed.

On top of the complications with getting all the correct paperwork for that was the notice that our doctor was closing.  Insert panic! We were able to get the scheduled appointments but I am so upset she is moving and closing the office.  We’ve been going to her for 13 years and in our small community she is like family, she knows us. We both saw her today for our updates and I wished her well but I will miss her.  We hugged and said good-bye but I always imagined her taking care of our new family once we adopt.  She was perfect as she adopted her 2 kids and knows how much it means to be personal and not judgmental.  I hope we find a new doctor who will be the same.  It’s part of my interview process now.

Our home visit also brought us some sad news that our social worker of the last 4 years is retiring at the end of the year.  I honestly felt a heavy brick hit me when she told us.  I, again, pictured her seeing us with our family for post-placement visits.  I love her she is such a great woman doing an amazing job who also adopted 4 kids so she completely understands the emotional roller-coaster of the wait, the paperwork, and the parenting of adopted kids she’s often shared. 

Fast forward a week of scammers trying to get us in their web and missed international phone calls and emails (which we couldn’t help anyway since we are going for domestic adoption) and she forwarded an email with some situations from an agency she’s worked with many times before.  So after reading tons of legal paperwork, I signed us up.  Yes, we are now with 2 agencies on top of our complete on-line presence.  I am hopeful that we will connect this year with a birth family. So if you know anyone thinking of adoption please forward our website, blog or agency page.

Remembering grandma and Family time

Remembering Grandma
Two weeks ago my uncle called to say he was planning a trip up the following week to spend time with family and to see grandma.  So we talked about getting together while he was here, etc.
Well, grandma passed away two days later surrounded by all of us who live here.  Other family from out of state called to say good-bye.  It was heartbreaking since losing grandpa 7 months earlier and she'd been doing pretty well until that day.  She was laughing and joking around just the day before and then she was ready to go.  I got a text from my mom and aunt that Thursday afternoon telling me it was time to say good-bye. Don was working from home that day so we got in the car and headed down. We stayed as long as we could and I got hug and kiss her and tell her how much we loved her. It really means a lot to me that I got to be with my grandparents before they passed away.  I got the call 15 minutes after we left that she passed.  I'm glad Don was driving us home. My grandma was the rock in the family, She always gave great hugs, advice when you asked for it, and her laughter was infectious.  She loved playing games, usually won, and she loved us all so much.  She also loved traveling with my grandpa all over the US, Mexico and Canada.  Later on they took a bunch of long cruises and went to China, Hong Kong, Panama, Antarctic and Australia to name a few and always shared their trips with us through stories and pictures.  Grandma's memorial was this past Thursday and everyone had such great memories to share and my aunt even had a recording of my grandma from the week before that she played and it made us all laugh when we heard grandma say "Where the hell are we going?" The service was beautiful and a great way to remember the amazing lady that she was.
October 31, 1931 - March 24, 2016

 I love this picture of grandma and I 

She loved to laugh

grandma in 1947 - she was 16

 With my grandma - I was a year old 

 Always loved the double exposed picture my Aunt took of my grandparents

 Grandma as a child 

Family Time

So my uncle flew up here for the week and I met him at Snoqualmie Falls on Wednesday.  We talked, walked around and took pictures before heading back to my house where Don had gotten off work early and was waiting for us.  We showed him all the changes we've made to our place and then went to dinner.  We talked and played games and had a great time.  He had to get up early to go pick up my aunt so we met up again at the memorial.  He was heading out to my cousins place for the weekend and we went out for the night on Saturday.  So much fun.  We hadn't been to my cousins new place since he moved last year so it was great on all fronts.  We got to spend time with family and see the island they call home.  They picked us up at the ferry terminal on his sailboat and we cruised back to the island.  The dogs loved it and it was a gorgeous day to be on the water. We met some of his neighbors at the BBQ that evening and they had 4 of the sweetest girls who hang out with my cousins daughter. We talked about adoption and it was great having someone who understands the process. They adopted their girls and they are so loved. One day it'll be our turn.  We hadn't planned on staying the night but we were invited to and we did.  I'm glad we did we had a great night hanging out with family having a few drinks, lots of food and lots of stories.  I liked what my cousin said when I said I didn't have stuff for us but at least the dogs had everything they needed and he said "That's why you're going to be awesome parents because they come before you." In the morning we were driven to the ferry terminal and said good-bye.  It was the first time the dogs had been on a ferry but they loved it.  Don will be seeing my uncle again next weekend since he'll be in CA for the weekend to see his parents. He offered to give Don a tour of CBS where he works so that should be a fun day for them.

  All Aboard Selfie

    Happy Happy

My aunt took this picture of us last week

The dogs meet my cousins puppy who wore them out 

Anniversary plans....The Best laid Plans gone awry

Our 20^th Anniversary is coming up in April and we originally planned on going to New York for 7 days but as they say the best laid plans….

We have some friends who were going with us (we chose dates outside our actual anniversaries) to celebrate their 30^th together and thought it would be a great trip with so many friends and family to meet up with and of course the amazing shows and just being in the city.  I LOVE visiting New York and we always try to plan our trips around baseball games. We have friends there or close by and I was looking forward to seeing them and meeting his new wife and son.  I was looking forward to Carmine’s, a Yankees game and Broadway shows as well as spring in Central Park.

Well then the attack in Brussels happened and our friend’s wife said to cancel their part of the trip (We’d extended our days to spend time with them in the city).  Then a couple days ago I lost my grandma so we canceled the 7 days in the city to save some of Don’s vacation time and will be going to Florida for a couple days instead.

I’m pretty excited actually because I’d originally offered up Florida as one of our trip options.  Don has been to Florida so many times he kind of dismissed it by offering up other trips and since he was stationed there for basic training I went with it with my own counter offers (especially since we just went to Disneyland in January).  I have wanted to go to Universal for the Harry Potter stuff (and last time I went to universal studios in LA or anywhere I was 12) and we’ve never been to Epcot.  I can’t believe it but we made an action packed theme park vacation for 3 ½ days.   I’ve bought us tickets for Epcot, Universal park hopper and for Busch gardens in Tampa.  Day 4 we fly home in the evening so we plan on going to the beach that day because let’s face it you can’t go to Florida without going to the beach and I’m a beach girl.  I Love the beach; I pretty much spent my childhood at the beach and it’s a great exfoliation opportunity for your feet.

Needless to say we're super excited, especially since Don will be traveling for work on our actual anniversary.  This isn’t something new; we’ve dealt with it before and really all that matters to us is the acknowledgement of starting our lives together which was 5 years before we made it official. 

Hopefully soon we'll be worrying about how to change diapers in a theme park or while waiting in line places.

Frequently Visited States

Our agency posts stats every month and it can be exciting or discouraging.  This month was discouraging. We met most of the expectant parent intakes (they are shown by a number so they are anonymous except to the agency) except they chose state restrictions. I know to help make the letters they do get more manageable they are asked for specific things they are looking for in hopeful adoptive parents so the agency can narrow it down for them based on our own profile questionnaires. Now I understand where they are coming from with over 600 waiting families it'd be daunting to get even a third that many profiles to go through. They may also want to be sure they are close enough for face to face visits and we understand that but seeing state restrictions for states we frequently travel to, hurts. So this post is about states we frequent or could frequent because of close ties or we drive through it on our regular trips south.

California:

Don and I were both born and raised (for the most part since my parents divorced I also lived in NV and WA) in southern California. We routinely travel to visit family and friends there and thus we also drive through Oregon, so an expectant mom in Oregon or California would have frequent visits lining up with our travels and would be just one more bright spot for additional visits home.  We always stop to visit friends in Northern California then head south and stop to see them again on our way home.

Now on top of our  California connection we also have direct connections to Georgia, Alabama, Tennessee, and Texas. 

Georgia, Alabama, and Tennessee:

Don worked in Atlanta for over 2 years so we grew many friendships and that we'd visit multiple times a year, including Dragon Con weekend.  We are guaranteed to be there one to two times a year.

Alabama and Tennessee are less likely now but if we had birth parents from there it'd be a priority. When Don was working out of Georgia we'd drive to see our friends but since he's been mostly home we plan on Dragon Con weekend every year so we spend 4-5 days together on vacation in Atlanta and have a blast catching up.  Now one of my best friends lives in Tennessee and we text, Facebook, and face-time regularly. In fact recently we face-timed while Don was driving to our friends place on super Bowl Sunday for about 20 mins. (Don was driving so it was safe).  I haven't been to Tennessee since I was 16 but I do look forward to going back to visit and what better excuse than the parents of our child live there and so does my BFF.

Texas:

My brother and his family moved to Texas and Don and I lived in Texas for a couple years so we have friends and coworkers we visit there. Don even travels for business to Texas still so traveling there is easy and frequent. Speaking of Texas, we used to drive to surrounding states for the weekend or vacations so that's not out of line for us either. We LOVE to travel!

So in short, I understand most parents can't guarantee multiple visits from a far off state but we can and so it's discouraging to see the limitations each month when we'd otherwise be a letter they'd receive; especially when it's places we regularly visit anyway. It of course doesn't mean they'd give us a second look but it's the fact we could be considered and not automatically discarded based on where we live. I know it'll continue because it's the way this process works.

 I also know that no matter where our baby's birth parents live we'll be thrilled to come for visits.

 Our Dragon Con meet up

 with our friends from Atlanta in Italy

Goofing off in New York

Thanksgiving trip 2015

Every year we go home to visit for Thanksgiving.  It can seem complicated but we’ve gotten used it.  We drive down and stop at our friend’s place in the Sacramento area and stay the night then the following day with his family and in-laws (although not this year, we'd stay on our way home).  We always enjoy that and the dogs love playing with his son and running around the back yard. We then leave (usually) on Sunday morning and head to our hotel where we unload the car and then head over to his parent’s house.  We usually eat dinner and hang out for a couple hours then head back to our hotel for the night.

Monday usually has us spending the entire day with his parents.  We go over for breakfast and talk, hang out, eat dinner and watch a movie or two.  Tuesday and Wednesday are usually my family days.  Each year is a bit different based on when my aunt isn’t in school.  This year though, I went to spend a few hours with my dad on Monday while Don took his parents to the mall so his mom could get a new cell phone. My dad had a stroke in October and I needed to see how he was doing. I’ve been extremely worried about him since I found out but he didn’t want me to come down to help out.  I’m so glad to say he is coming along although nowhere near 80%+ but improving daily. He can sign his name and has a leg brace to help him walk and stay upright so I’m happy to see him improving and pretty quickly. Monday is also the day I found out my mom entered Kidney failure due to the massively strong antibiotics they’ve had her on for MRSA (antibiotic resistant staph infection) after her back surgery back in October.  I guess you could say October was a bad month for me.  Mom is going on two weeks in the hospital but will hopefully be home (although still on an IV with antibiotics) by this weekend.  When we spoke today she’d had dialysis and was in pretty good spirits, as good as you can be; that is when the whole right side of your body is bruised and sore from head to toe on one side and you’re still recovering from a fusion of your spinal cord.

So Tuesday had us going to his parents for breakfast and then meeting my dad and aunt for dinner.  We went to Outback and enjoyed dinner and the company.  Our visits with them are always so short.  I wish they were available all day but between work and school it isn’t possible.  We got to spend about 4 ½ hours hanging out together.  I did talk to them every day we were there though.

Wednesday was breakfast at his parents then we went to see my mom’s brother.  This year we went out to Mexican instead of doing a BBQ which was really good.  We went back to his place after dinner for lots of pinball and music and Don and he had a cigar. The only time Don has anything like that is the one time a year we go visit my uncle, it’s their tradition in the back yard or open garage. We met a neighbor of his and stayed way longer than we normally do but we were having a great time talking and competing for high score of the night.

Don playing my Uncle's Southpark pinball game 

Thursday we were going to try and have breakfast with my dad and aunt but it didn’t work out and instead got a phone call for us to come to Don’s parents. So we ended up at their place 4 hours early so Don set up their new printer and showed his mom how to do things with her new phone.  Later his uncle and his long time girlfriend arrived.  We would go to a restaurant late that afternoon for dinner.   I have to say it was a lot of food, good eats, and a great price per person for the quality. His uncle and girlfriend left for the couple hour drive home from the restaurant and we went back to his parent’s house for a couple hours. We called it fairly early that night so we could all get a good amount of rest.

Come Friday morning we were headed to meet up with a CA co-worker of Don’s for lunch in Irvine and a tour of Blizzard Entertainment.  Come to find out her husband works there and when he offered the tour we jumped at the chance.  We were able to find a Petsmart hotel close by to the restaurant and we made an appointment for the dogs to go to daycare while we went to lunch and did the campus tour.

I have to say I wasn’t 100% sure what we’d see outside the Orc statue out front with the flags and a bunch of buildings where people work.  We were pleasantly surprised all the statues were in place and well lit so we could take pictures. We got to see the library and holy cow so amazing! So many games, books, and other cool things to check out if you work there. I’d spend a lot of time in there playing games in the evenings if I worked there. We also saw an office from outside as we entered a building and we thought it was the store.  Nope, someone’s office with so many cool things we just wanted it to be a store (they don’t have a physical store only online). The control room was cool to see but no pictures allowed then we moved on to the timeline of Blizzard and the games they released.  It needs to be updated for the last couple years but still nifty to see all of them in one chart. The museum was cool to see, they have original art work, statues, the armor they give to long time employees, a display case of items given out each Christmas to employees and also fan art. We then got a tour of where he works.  Really cool IT dept. which is saying something.  After the tour we talked a bit then headed back to pick up the dogs from daycare.

 Welcome to Blizzard

One the core values placed around the statue

one section of the library

Only 6 hours and 14 freeways later we’d arrive back at our friend’s place for the night.  We got in fairly late but were staying the next day.  Saturday was pretty chill (and chilly!); we played World of Warcraft, watched a movie, and then played Talisman.  His son was able to have us help with addons he wanted for WoW and we had a lot of fun together playing games. 

Sunday was a 5am wake up so we could get ready, pack the car and leave for home. It would be an extremely long and cold day. I don’t think the temp from CA to WA ever got above 36 degrees.  In fact it was 28 degrees when we left Sacramento and 25 degrees when we got home to our place in WA. What was supposed to be an 11 ½ hour drive turned into 14 ½ one and we concluded we’re never leaving on Sunday again.  Thank goodness we made it to Oregon in time to listen to the football game on the radio to break up the monotony of the drive. Although the commentator’s were blah and we couldn’t really hear what was going on half the time (goodness guys take a breath you don’t have to keep talking over every play about whatever) it was a good game to listen to.

All of us were so glad to finally be back home, even if it was much later than we expected.  The cats were thrilled to see us and we them. Our brother in law took great care of them and the house while we were gone.  Hopefully next year we have a child to show off to the family during our trip down.

Here’s some pictures of our Blizzard tour and trip down south for Thanksgiving:

 Pets are allowed at work so this section of grass has been set aside for human use

 My happy boys!Dad turned on the compressor so we went to the car for a few minutes

 The internal safety poster mascot is Medimurk the Murloc

Couldn't resist taking a picture of this Diablo sign

                                                 

 Tyrael

 Tracer

 The one and only Horde Chopper

 Don with Grommash

 Sword is 5 years with Blizzard and Shield is 10 years (Arthas mask is 20 years)

 one piece of the fan art in the museum

My guys all snoozing after a long day

Waiting to Adopt = Pixar's Inside Out

How Inside Out resonated with our journey to open adopt.

You start out joyous and hopeful then the longer you wait it slowly transforms into anger (scams), sadness (why not us/failed matches), disgust (scams) and even fear (will we ever get picked? Will it fail at the hospital?). You do everything you know to tread the emotions with dignity and humility but scam after scam dwindles your ability for compassion and you struggle to retain your humanity and personality without bitterness and paranoia. It’s a daily struggle to remain positive and busy.

When everything seems bleak, sad, and hopeless we get a glimmer of hope only to have those hopes dashed. How do you continue?  Like Inside Out it’s about feeling all that, sometimes at the same time, and still working through all those emotions to make decisions for ourselves that affect our futures. 

Joy can't exist without sadness, doubt, fear or anger because if we didn't have the negative feelings we wouldn't understand the joy, happy, elated or content feelings we feel day to day. We wouldn't strive to better ourselves or our situations without the pain of those emotions. They make up the lessons learned in life and more important who we are as individuals. 

I'm a rather blunt person, not in a negative way just matter of fact. If someone asks why we’re adopting I’ll be frank about it same as if they asked the time of day or what kind of dog I have. I am also a sensitive person who wants the best for everyone I meet but I'm also not delusional in that not everyone is out to better themselves but rather to feed emotionally on those waiting or to try to gain financially from adopting couples. That’s not how Adoption is supposed to work and over time it makes us leery with all contacts especially via email, private message or text. I jump every time the phone rings or dings that I’ve gotten an email or text even though 99% of the time it’s people looking to scam adoptive couples. Thank goodness for Report as Spam buttons. 

We want to be excited and hopeful that this is the one meant for us. I strive to make my compassion shine through in written forms of communication but it just depends on how it’s interpreted by the reader. 

Adoption at the end of the day is just like Sadness and Joy going through the maze and trying to get back to head quarters. It was that journey where they really learned what each had to offer and how important they both were to the well being of Riley. That’s how open adoption should work and we hope will work for us.

A cloudy day is no match for a sunny disposition

A cloudy day is no match for a sunny disposition – William Arthur Ward

I saw this on a church sign while driving home from the store and it is absolutely true.  I’ve been looking at the wait in a whole different light this week and all it took was a simple quote to hit home.

We’ve been through a lot in the last 3 years to give up now.  So much paperwork and SO many scammers!  It was especially hard on us when K miscarried because I’d grown so close to her and looked forward to talking every day.  It wasn’t easy getting over what happened, like it happened to us, well it did but indirectly.  No one knows what to say about such things in the everyday but much less so in adoption.  It’s a tough hurdle and it took me a lot of time to make peace with.

 However, I’m back and looking forward to growing our family through adoption.  They say everything happens for a reason and in the right time so I’m trying my best to embrace that. I’m hoping to have a similar relationship with our expectant mom where we both look forward to daily chats and hopefully it can grow into more of a sisterhood of shared experience and love for each other and the child.

I’m so thankful to our support system, especially my best friend, who herself is going through so much right now but she’s always there, as I am for her. I can’t imagine trying to go through an adoption alone without support of family and friends. I hope our future birth mom will have that support as well but if they don’t I hope they know they have IAC and us as their champion for support before, during, and after birth.

So no more conscience cloudy days for me I WILL regain my sunny disposition and continue forward to our dream of becoming parents.

Open Adoption: What is it and why we chose it and our agency.

We’ve been asked a lot about how open adoption works, why we are waiting so long, and aren’t we worried about contact after placement. Most recently we were asked about adoption and our agency from an expectant father who called us looking for an agency and asking questions on how to place.

So the basics of a modern adoption are that the expecting parents choose the family.  We aren’t on some numbered list of the past where we get a call from the agency to pick up a newborn.  However, there is a last minute hospital list we aren’t eligible for but again the family is chosen by the birth parents.

The open part of the adoption is different for every family.  It is outlined into an agreement with the agency, expecting parents, and hopeful adoptive parents to meet the needs of all of us.  Some families have lots of contact, some only want letters and pictures or Facebook updates. This is one of the more important aspects of the open adoption.  Our agency always reminds us not to go overboard with contact but be realistic when it comes to being able to maintain that level of contact for years to come. You can always see each other more often than stated in the agreement but if you over promise it can damage your relationships.  We agree with that. We want as open and realistic adoption plan as possible but it has to work and be comfortable for the expecting parents as well.

So in an open adoption is it co-parenting? No it isn’t.  It’s about the birth family getting updates and seeing how happy and loved their child is.  Adoption is a choice made out of love for the child and wanting the child to grow up in a stable and loving environment that the birth parents aren’t in a position to provide at this point in time. The child grows up knowing about his/her adoption and any questions he/she may have as they grow up they can ask their parents or their birth family.  There is less confusion and angst when the child grows up knowing why they were placed and where they come from and who do I look like. Many families who have adopted through our agency say the birth family is an extension of their own family.

So we chose open adoption but why did we choose IndependentAdoption Center in California instead of an agency in our home state? They are ethical, advocate for birth parents, and explain all options.  They have offices in 8 locations around the US not just California. They have lifelong counseling if needed by anyone in the triad (birth parents, adoptive parents, or the child) and I like that the social workers are different for hopeful adoptive parents and expectant parents. They have also been around a long time being one of the first agencies to advocate open adoptions and don’t discriminate.  Anyone eligible to adopt can adopt through them.  Other agencies we researched can and will say no to single people, LGBT, and religious differences among other things.  We prefer equality for everyone.

So why are you waiting so long? This is a hard one; we are like all the other waiting couples hoping for that perfect match.  For us we have had a few contacts that didn’t work out (one chose to parent, one went with another couple and one had a miscarriage so you just never know how things will turn out). We keep on waiting, hoping, and someday we will be parents if we remain patient with the process.  The right person will see our profile and we can move forward but until then waiting is all we can do.

I will miss you

Dearest K,

We've spent the last six weeks getting to know each other. Even though you were early in your pregnancy I never doubted your commitment for this open adoption.  I loved our conversations and the pictures we exchanged in anticipation for what was next. The long and short conversations we’d have every day, I’ll miss those.  I could feel the excitement even through email as our trip to meet and match was getting closer. You are Bright, beautiful, and one of the sweetest people I've had the privilege to “meet”.

Today everything would change. I've been dreading that phone call.  I was hoping it would never come to pass but it remained in my mind since you first told me. I know how upset you are about this for us and we feel the same for you.

Today my heart breaks.  It breaks for you, us and what could have been. It breaks because I can’t be there for you as you go through this. It breaks because I knew when I woke this morning that something must be wrong because you hadn't responded and that isn't like you. I wish I could call you and let you know it’s going to be ok and how sorry we are. We wanted nothing more than to include you in our lives but what’s important now is you. Please know it isn't anyone's fault, nothing could have been done. I know how strong you are and you will get through it, just as we will but know this I will miss you!

Please know if you need to talk I’m still here for you.

Sincerely,

Nicole

Open Adoption is....

O is for Openness of heart in considering your options.

P is for Pensive which means deep thought often occupied by sadness. 

E is for Expecting. You are expecting a child and are making the toughest choice for your child and yourself.  Counseling and support can help you understand all of your options.

N is the Negative Connotation which we should all debunk. Adoption is surrounded in the past negative association of closed adoptions but it doesn't have to be that way.  Open adoptions help us all grieve, heal and rejoice in the choice to have an Open adoption for the child.

A is for Acceptance.  We all have a different path when it comes to adoption and the acceptance of our circumstance for how we arrived is vital.

D is for Determination to make a plan and live by it but remembering “A” above.

O is for Observing our agreement to each other and maintaining our connection.

P is for Planning.  As an expectant mom you plan for your child and as hopeful adoptive parents we plan for when our dreams of a family become a reality.

T is for Triad.  That is the term used in open adoption consisting of the birth parents, adoptive parents, and the child(ren) adopted.

I is for Insecurity.  We are all insecure and unsure what the future holds but just knowing its normal and having support will help ease it during the process and after.

O is for Official.  Having that official match and placement is the beginning of an exciting new journey.  That’s not to say it is easy but it will be worth it.

N is for New.  New experiences, new emotions, new family.  I hold onto this more than anything.  I am looking forward to the day we can be a family to each other and hopefully that includes the birth family as well.

A perfect balance of a work and play weekend

We were so busy this last weekend but it was full of fun!

On Friday night we moved half the computer room and removed the carpet and carpet pad.  Then I tired removing the floor tack which was harder than it seemed so Don finished it up on Saturday Morning.  After that he realized we couldn't just floor part of the computer area and so shut down my computer to move it until we could get the flooring in.  Now moving things isn't a problem but not having internet was entirely different. Thank goodness for cell phones!

After moving things from the room we began laying the cork underlay and then the flooring. However at 11am our brother in law arrived to help transport a large unwieldy TV to the local high school who was having a Marching Band fundraiser for electronics.  We not only donated the TV but also some cash. Don was in band and I was in Choir so funding those in our local schools is important to us.

After all that was done we had to get ready and drive to our friends place for game day/night.  We usually stay over because of the time and distance. We had a blast.  i spent most of my time with our friends wife and 2 granddaughters, now I realize that the word grand daughter is frightening but our friend is 42 and has been a grandma since her 30's. The girls are amazing and we had a blast playing bubbles, my little pet shop, and catch with them while the "guys" (not everyone playing was a guy) played a strategy board game. We stayed the night as we usually do due to distance but it was great because the youngest granddaughter turned 3 on Mother's day this year.  So awesome to be there for her big girl day. We had to leave fairly early to begin laying the flooring in the computer area of the basement which we didn't think would take very long based on the first room we did.  Uh Nope, because of the first room it's taking considerably longer but we are almost done as of tonight.

 The girls having Auntie do their make up

The floor is coming together although still unfinished

So Sunday night was special because our friend's had 2 extra tickets to see Neil Diamond in concert and I totally wanted to go.  I grew up with my family, especially an aunt of mine, loving Neil Diamond. I can't say I know all his music but we had a fantastic time!  I still can't believe he is 74 years old and doing such an amazing performance. I bought my aunt a shirt as a surprise even though she's gone to so many of his performances.  I just want her to know when I think of him I think of her and how much I love her!

Really was an amazing weekend.

After vacation adoption goals and our Anniversary

So we've been home a week and life is settling back in.  I know everyone says it but if you’re waiting to adopt, don’t wait to take vacations.  Even taking a break from adoption for a weekend can really help renew yours and your partner’s enthusiasm to become parents through adoption.

I really pushed back on taking a trip to Europe because I was worried about the time, costs, and what if’s on the adoption front.  I can say I’m glad Don just bought the tickets and made the arrangements as a surprise. While on vacation the topic of adoption, infertility and foster care was all discussed briefly with our friend’s then filed away to the back of our minds while we took in all the sites and culture.   I’m back with a new vigor and that’s a good thing.

The day we got home I received the email I hate getting.  “It’s time to renew your FBI clearances”, which also means our home study renewal is also quickly approaching. So I've printed our paperwork out and will start filling it all in to submit to our state social worker before June so she has time to come out and then write up our home study for Independent Adoption Center, our agency in California.  The paperwork itself isn't going to take long to fill out with this being the third home study I think we've gotten used to it and maybe the third time is the charm. What takes the most time is trying to rearrange schedules to get fingerprinted.  Our local office has one hour open in the morning and one hour in the afternoon but it isn't at easy times or days to make.  The other time consuming part of the renewal is the physical from our doctor that takes a minimal amount of time but it always takes her a week or two to write it all up to submit so we have to plan that accordingly. She also has specific days that she’ll do the adoption physicals making it a bit tough.  All of this however will get done in due time as it always does.

Today is our 19 year anniversary though so that paperwork can wait another day. I truly can’t believe we've spent the last 24 years together and have been married for 19. It honestly seems like yesterday we started dating, moved to WA, and got married. I’m lucky to have married my best friend and love him more with each day that passes.  I can’t wait for us to include children and become parents but until then we enjoy each other, our pets, and families. 

Live, Laugh, Love, get dressed up and have a food fight. :) 

I hope everyone has a great week ahead and maybe plans a little get away to take a mental break.

Italy - part 1 - Venice

Our flights to Europe

We left Seattle early Tuesday morning and headed to Dallas where we had a 5 hour layover then on to London. Once in London it was a mad dash through the airport to the pre-check before security where we had to be fast passed to get the security line or we’d miss our connection. We found our terminal and were lucky our gate was next to Starbucks where I grabbed one last coffee then onto the plane bound for Venice.

Venice

We arrived in Venice at noon on Wednesday, retrieved our luggage and headed to the express bus to the island.  We then took a ferry to the city center to find our hotel. It was pouring down rain and super windy in Venice, I don’t mean rain as we think of it in Washington, I mean the sky is gushing kind of rain.  

The wind and rain were crazy

Also, the “streets” of Venice are really alleys; at least they appear that way to us since we are used to wider streets, making it difficult to navigate to our hotel, even with Google maps.  We actually circled around the place like three times because it looked like a courtyard for someone’s house.  Nope it was actually a street with a canal dock to one end.  The hotel was a bed and breakfast called Palazzo Minelli and was a spacious double room.  Our friend’s were meeting us in Venice later that evening and we were sharing the room.  What was odd was the layout. When it was booked it just said double connecting room, which we thought of in terms of room connections in American hotels.  This one was 2 rooms; the front room had the front door and the back room had the bathroom.  The room also had the balcony in the front room and just windows in the back room.  Don and I took the front room and our friend’s took the back.  After checking in with the hotel, Don and I walked around, stopped by a café and grabbed a snack then headed out to take some pictures.  After awhile we were soaked (even with umbrellas) thanks to the wind and were freezing so went back to our room to relax, warm up, and wait for our friend’s to arrive. That’s when we’d fall asleep and they’d get stuck outside the hotel.  We felt so bad about that.  We had no intention of falling asleep and didn't hear our phones ring.  I finally heard the doorbell and it woke me up and we started down to let them in as they were coming up the stairs.  The door opened and they were able to come in out of the rain.  They settled in, dried off, and then we talked about dinner.  Don and I had passed a place earlier while walking around that we thought looked really tasty so we agreed to go there.  That would be the best meal we’d have in Venice at Hostaria da Zorzi on Calle dei Fuseri. Our waitress Elisa was great and we’d surprisingly see her again somewhere else on the trip. We’d go back and play charades on the iPhone since none of us thought to bring cards or dice to play games.

pictures from the room balcony which overlooked the canal

On Thursday, after breakfast in our room, we all went out to do some site seeing in San Marcos Square.  We went to the basilica and toured the rooms that were open; unfortunately the museum was closed that day. 

waiting in line to enter

Inside the treasury at the basilica

After the basilica we did a bit of shopping and found a place for lunch.  The most expensive meal we’d have and it wasn't that great but better than the place we’d find for dinner later that night.  After lunch we went to La Fenice to tour the opera house.  It was absolutely gorgeous and much larger than it looks.

the grand ballroom

 Ceiling of the theater

 The theater

The orchestra pit

 Me taking a picture of Don who was taking a picture of Jean and Harvey

The entrance

 After our tour we walked and found a supermarket, where we bought some amazing cheese, salami, and crackers for later then took everything back to the room, refreshed ourselves and went in search of dinner.  We settled on a pizza/pasta place that was awful! The food tasted like frozen microwave food, the wine was like battery acid, metallic and nasty. I wish I could remember the name so I could advise everyone not to go there. It was a waste of money for all of us.  The food in our room was what we’d eventually enjoy for dinner because we pretty much didn't eat what they served.  We played more games that night, using some Italian cards that the B&B had on hand, as well as more charades.

 On Friday, Don woke early and went to the Fish market to do some shopping.  The rest of us slept in and rested.  Don got back just as breakfast was being served so we all enjoyed that and then packed up to get to the train station for our trip to Rome.  None of us wanted to cart all our luggage back through the streets of Venice to the ferry so instead splurged on a water taxi to come pick us up at the B&B’s private canal dock.  Yes, it was completely worth the expense.  At the train station we went to a café to pick up sandwiches and drinks for the trip and we’d run into Elisa.  She also worked at the station during the day.  It was a pleasant surprise to see her again before we left Venice.

Water Taxi on the Grand Canal approaching the train station

Stay tuned for the rest of our trip (in parts) with pictures coming within the next week.