Our journey to adoption after infertiltiy

This is a guest post I did for the Independent Adoption Center blog.

When Don and I met and started dating, I knew there was a very real possibility I couldn't have children.  It was a discussion we needed to have because my problem would become his if we got married.  I was very fortunate that he said “We’ll cross that bridge together someday when we’re ready”. That someday would come seven years later after we’d been married a few years. We began the infertility path with the usual tests and charts. I was referred to the Infertility and Endocrine center where we did additional, painful tests and determined surgery might be the key.  So as I signed a waiver that said 1 in 1000 who have this surgery will have a puncture; we moved forward.  I’d be that 1 in 1000 15 minutes into the procedure, so it wasn't finished.  After that we reevaluated our options to start a family.

It took many tear filled days and nights over the years as we went from infertility to looking into adoption options. We didn't have the resources then with the internet in its infancy.  Every time I thought I’d found a viable agency I’d find it had closed or was cost prohibitive.  We were looking to do international adoptions as well as domestic and just kept coming against a wall.  We then discussed not even trying to have a family.  That is always a family option but it wasn't in my heart or his.  We adore kids and want to be a family someday. We concentrated on our work, family, and friends.  Even as our friends, my younger brother and cousins were all having families of their own, we just kept working and enjoying our time with their children. It was always in the back of our minds though that we’d have to finish grieving and move forward.  Moving on meant we’d either look into adoption or just be a childless couple. We chose adoption as our option.

When we learned of Independent Adoption Center and its open adoption with lifetime counseling for all involved in the adoption triad, we jumped in with both feet.  We were only familiar with closed and semi-open adoptions until then and the openness really appealed to us.  It would take us about 9 months to get everything completed and the wait would begin.  They say the wait is the hardest part and really it doesn't sink in when you’re busy completing paper work, the home study, and your profile.  I think it keeps you so busy you don’t realize that the wait leaves you nothing to do but wait. The trick is to keep living but even I spent the first year of the wait putting off a trip that would take us to Europe for fear “the call” would come and we’d miss it. We took trips around the US but it’s so easy to hop on the next flight here and get where we need to be, unlike traveling abroad. We have adjusted to living again and have chosen to take the trip anyway this year and if we do get “the call” we can change our trip itinerary. The wait has its own timeline we can’t control and that can be frustrating as hopeful adoptive parents.  We've been waiting over a year but I know our extended family is out there we just have to wait for them to find us. 

A picture is worth a thousand words!

I always find it interesting when I come across various Adoption Profile pictures.  The prospective parents varied styles and my reaction to them.  I don’t know that I’d ever paid much attention before starting our journey but our agency was very concise with what we needed for ours.  One of which was the expectant mom should see your faces so no long shots and no selfies.

Other things seemed like a no brainer, like what do you want to convey in your pictures about your life.  While writing our letter I agonized over how bad some of our pictures were of things we’d have loved to put in, like Don playing the drums on stage, but poor lighting and distance didn't accurately describe him.  So I instead chose better pictures and tried to put our likes into the websites.

 I try to put myself in the Expectant mom’s shoes of envisioning what her child’s life will be like. So let’s take a look at some of the more recent photos I've seen around the adoption sites.

They’re sitting in a dark bar with neon lights with their significant other with the top of the wine bottle in the foreground between them.   What this conveys upon first glance to me is we probably drink and drive.  Now that isn't to say that’s the case (they certainly could be walking, taking a cab or have a DD) but it isn't want you’d want your first impression to be, right?  The same is true of sitting in the grass at the park with full wine glasses.  That says we’ll be drinking in the park while our child is playing.  True? No, I’m sure it isn't but again in my opinion and from what I've read you should probably leave alcohol out of your first impression picture. The other is the long shots and time and date stamped photos from years ago. Now maybe you've been waiting years but if so try to update that first impression picture to something more recent or at least crop the date stamp out.  We all have those pictures and they work great on your online profile but may be sending the wrong message as your first impression. 

I read the dos and don’ts post of a guest blogger who creates Letters for prospective parents and while she doesn't specify no alcohol in photos I’d think she’d try to sway her clients away from it (maybe not, I am speculating).  One thing she does mention is no sunglasses, well in a lot of our outdoor supporting pictures I/we are wearing sunglasses.  Simply put I wear glasses that get very dark outside, even in the shade on a bright day. It made our photo shoot extremely difficult actually and so some pictures we just had Don put his sunglasses on.

Most first impression pictures follow the eyes open and smile approach.  Even in a lot of the pictures I've seen and mentioned everyone is looking and smiling it’s just the “extras” that made me think to write this because I haven't seen it mentioned before.  I know when we started this journey we didn't have very many pictures of us together and we've tried to make sure we take some now. That said we chose additional pictures we liked that may not have been the best pictures but they said who we are. 

As it’s said “A picture is worth a thousand words!” and “The eyes are the windows to the soul.”

A favorite selfie from a baseball game we were at

My guest blog post on America Adopts

I was contacted to do a guest blog for America Adopts and here is the result.

http://www.americaadopts.com/looking-bright-side-wait-open-adoption-match/

Looking On The Bright Side As We Wait For An Open Adoption Match

Posted by Lawrence on September 30, 2014 · Leave a Comment 

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This guest post is by Nicole, a hopeful adoptive mother and blogger.

The adoption journey for us so far has been an interesting one. We knew that if we wanted to have a family we’d adopt because I didn’t want to do IVF.

Well, that is much easier said than done.

At the time we were first investigating adoption options, we kept hitting road blocks. Like the agency was closed or they only did closed adoptions. We wanted at the very least a semi-open adoption.

Years went by and then one day a friend and co-worker of my husband, Don, mentioned an agency that they’d found and were going through to adopt. Don sent me the link and I contacted them for more information.

We did a phone call to ask our questions and get them answered and signed up for the weekend workshop which was in March the following year.

As I was taking it all in and talking with others at the workshop — one couple had adopted before and were a great resource – Don was getting more and more excited about the prospects of what an open adoption could mean for us.

He was seriously like a kid in the candy store by the time we met our adoption coordinator for the first time. I, on the other hand left crying.

So many emotions; elation, anxiousness, excitement, nervousness, I couldn’t believe we’d signed the papers and were on our way.

We left that day with two additional books to read on open adoption. By the next morning I had already finished “The Kid,” one of the books, before our workshop had even started.

Our agency is in another state so as soon as we got home I began gathering the information we’d need to do our home study. Don was set to go to Ghana a few weeks after our workshops so I had everything together when he returned.

I think most prospective adopting couples stress about the home study but it really was the easiest part.

Answer everything as thoroughly as you can and don’t stress the white glove test, it doesn’t happen.

Also, the key here is keeping your humor.

Adoption is stressful and being able to laugh at yourself will be key in staying on task.

The other thing we didn’t do but should have was start our letter to a prospective mom right out of the workshop.

It held us up by five months. It is just a design/edit/design/print process that really takes time. This aspect of the process taught me that the wait was going to be hard. I would be right!

We are still waiting for our child to find us.

In fact I’ve never been one to write about myself, our life, or put us out there on social media. We’d always been quite private.

One of the many things adoption teaches you is let go, get out there and learn marketing, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram, and how to blog.

I just started our blog but already it’s helped me put things in perspective. I want to remember that not every day was an easy one and that we are all humans who need to laugh and cry.

I try to put a fun spin on things either with words or in pictures.

It can be hard like the day we met a couple who were considering us, loved them and they us but in the end we got the call to say they went with the other couple.

So difficult to hear and experience but it strengthened my resolve it can happen at literally anytime.Someday, I can look back at it with our child and say this is the story of our family and you were so worth it!

Other things I do besides update our social sites is to try and keep busy with travel, friends, family, and home projects. We recently went to meet up with a bunch of friends in Atlanta for a convention get together.

This summer we worked on projects in the yard between battling the bugs eating our food in the garden (the bugs pretty much won this year!) to finishing a patio we’d been working on.

We also have been seeing friends or family every weekend for game days. It helps to “get out of your head” even for a few hours or a few days. As our journey continues I try to look on the bright side and wait for the adrenaline rush from a contact who could be the one.

Nicole and her husband, Don, and  live with their “boys” Tucker, Parker (above), Oscar and Chance (cats) and are waiting to complete their family through open adoption. They’ve been married for 18 years and counting, are animal lovers and can’t wait to share their lives with a child. To find out more about them check out their blog.

Are you waiting to adopt?
If you’re looking for ways to increase your visibility and connect with others in the community, including prospective birthparents, share your story with us.