Yin and Yang - Order and Chaos

It’s human nature to want to be that perfect family.  I know we all strive for that but we are perfectly flawed too. In adoption we strive even more so as we try to express who we are in a few short pages. Maybe we have an online presence to show more about us but you never know if the expecting parents will see it. So in the grand scheme we describe ourselves through pictures and words in a brochure format sent to expecting parents to look at.  They get to see the great people you are but not the flaws of being a human being. We all have them and I thought I’d share ours and how we have adjusted to each other’s and make it work to our benefit.

Don and I are yin and yang.  He’s order and I’m chaos so to speak.  I’m perfectly fine with things just wherever I put them down and he is put it where it belongs the first time. We have over the years together learned to live in ordered chaos.

I know that he came to appreciate that I can’t find things if he moves them and same for me.  We have totally different desks outside that they both have computers.  Mine with books, mail, toys, and my trail mix and his is just his computer. This doesn't mean we live in a dirty house by any means so please don’t think we do (we wouldn't pass our home study if we did!).  I clean and he cleans but I’m not picky if the mail sits on my desk instead of going through the shredder right this second or being filed.

Dog toys litter the house and while I don’t care because they just drag them all back out the second I put them away (unless I’m vacuuming and then they aren't around), Don has to try putting them back in the toy box.  I always chuckle because the second he puts them back Parker and Tucker are digging out their favorite toys leaving a trail of other toys behind.  I think having pets and a wife who can live in chaos has helped him see that we all have our ways of keeping our stuff as we need to. It has also helped me to see the order side of him.  Everything in its place means he has what he needs when he needs it without having to ask me or getting frustrated that he can’t find it.

We found the perfect balance and know our child will benefit from both perspectives. They will have a mom who won’t mind the toys everywhere and a dad to reinforce putting your stuff away when you’re done playing with it. Both are valuable lessons. I know when my nephew visits I’m usually the one who says put your things away more than Don but I know if I didn't he would and knowing we will be on the same page with our child is a great beginning to build on.

What exactly is Dragon Con and why do you go?

As stated by the official website Dragon Con is “We are the largest multi-media, popular culture convention focusing on science fiction & fantasy, gaming, comics, literature, art, music, and film in the universe.” To us it’s so much more.

Yes, it is those things but also history, technology, science, engineering and the most important factor is Friends! We have friends all over the country and a good portion of them live in the south.  So every year we get together in Atlanta for Dragon Con if they can make it, even for a day (Don and I are there at least 4 days, having flown cross-country). Our friends drive in from Atlanta, Tennessee, and Alabama. We have a friend in Florida but they've never been able to make it. Dragon Con spans 6 hotels over downtown Atlanta and so the events are usually grouped into one hotel for the duration such as Doctor Who panels in the Hyatt or Star Trek related panels, contests, etc in the Weston. They also feature shopping for everything imagined and then some in the Americas Mart.  I really can’t wait to share Dragon con with our child and have them know all our friends. 

 

So cute posing with Captain America while her dad took pictures - Hoping that is us soon!

We absolutely love Dragon Con.  In fact our friends from Alabama were the first to tell us about it and upon finding out we had to plan to go the following year. WOW so much to do, we didn't make many panels that first year but we had fun shopping and watching the Cos-players and meeting up with our friends on Saturday. That first year was simply amazing for us as the one panel we did make (Farscape) led us to the autograph room where we had a great conversation with Gigi Edgley (wish we'd gotten pictures that first year instead of just autographs) and some of the cast who were on the panel.  What I like is the stars aren't usually pretentious and will have normal conversations about their work; granted the super-stars are pretty hard to get to due to the one hour of signatures and done so good luck!, better wake up at 6 and get in line by 7 for a 2 o’clock autograph session. I wanted Patrick Stewart last year and the line was around 3 blocks long (think New York city blocks) for a one hour session, um ya OK, off to do something else and I will have to live without meeting him. Last year we were thrilled to meet and talk with a few actors we really wanted to chat with and they were amazing and so are their upcoming projects (or past ones in some cases).   It sounds like we spend a lot of time fanning over the actors but actually we hit the autograph room once, usually Saturday unless someone we want to see is only available on Friday. We try to figure out the best time to go and hit the room and hope everyone we want to talk with is there, sometimes we aren't that lucky. The other must Hall to visit is the Art Hall where we usually meet up and chat with a friend of Don’s who sells her work during Dragon Con. So many different artists and kinds of art work from paintings to sculptures to metal work. The art hall is also where you’ll find the comics.

What else is great about Dragon con is the cos-play. One of my best friends (Lara Cupcake) is a cos-player and although considered amateur we think she does a fantastic job on her costumes from the design to re-imagining some of the characters. She been actively doing cos-play for cons’ for about a year and a half. Last year when we all went together and shared a room she had 4 costumes and the amount of work she puts into not just making those costumes but actually dressing in them for the day is phenomenal! Really cos-players do so much for fan support as they enjoy bringing a favorite character to life for everyone to enjoy seeing as they go from panels to contests and photo shoots or just walk about the streets in downtown. I don’t usually dress in anything except shorts and some tee from a show (Like Doctor Who, Firefly or Nightmare before Christmas). Next year that changes as I found a really fun steam punk inspired dress that I’ll be wearing on Saturday, as for the rest of the time I’m unsure if what I’d like to do with our friends as a group will work out. One thing to consider is just what you are cos-playing, Don did a Murloc one day last year and was super hoarse after making the sound all day/night.  That was one thing we all talked about as for our costumes this year was what we needed to be comfortable because it is Atlanta at the end of summer.

 Lara, me in the back, and Don on the way to the Convention

Saturday night is the night we all gather together and people watch.  We have a blast as the cos-players come and go.  It’s the night we take the most pictures of us with cos-players or each other being silly. A lot of times we all want to do different panels, signings, etc during the day so it’s our chance to just set aside time to all compare notes on the con events or things we've bought or saw.

Friends!

yep, Don photo bombed us - LOL.

Unikitty is AWESOME!

 Last year we were all staying out at an airport hotel but this year we actually managed to get hotel rooms downtown so that’s going to be a huge bonus over taking MARTA back to the airport, then a shuttle to the hotel, and having to carry all our stuff around all day. That makes us actually more into dressing up this year since we can always go change if we want to.   Also this year our friend Kevin from California is flying up here then the following day we will all fly to Atlanta.  I think he’s going to have a great time.  He’s never gone and he finally said yes, he’d love to go this year. I imagine we’ll actually play games in the game area this year; we talked about it last year but never actually went, and the year before we just walked around watching others play games. Don might even go do the midnight drumming as well since we don’t have to worry about catching the last train of the night back to the hotel. 

I sincerely hope this is our year our child finds us and would be thrilled! if we got to attend Dragon Con as a family.

Life doesn't have any guarantees

I had a question come up over the weekend that, while I answered fairly clinically yet truthfully, can be said another way. Life doesn't have any guarantees!  It just seems so callous to point that out but it remains the utmost truth. I think we all strive to hold to our arrangements and to our word to friends, family, bosses, co-workers, etc. but sometimes life happens and plans and arrangements must be put on hold or changed. It has happened time and time again in various situations.  People get sick or move away or can’t get time off from work.  Again it’s life and we have to adjust to those changes to make things work out.

Having said all that the question I was asked was “How can you guarantee me you’ll stick to an open or semi-open adoption.”  I went the clinical and logical way of answers.  Explaining that not only did we sign up specifically for an open adoption because it’s all around better for all involved but that our agency would help us facilitate an agreement outlining what was expected as a minimum from both sides. I went a bit further on the details but I can say they never responded.  I obviously didn't fit the bill on answers or they are weighing whether I spoke the truth.

I read about a lot of parents who do make agreements and they change, sometimes because the birth mom/parents disappear, others out of safety for the child and unfortunately sometimes because the family just doesn't want contact.  I feel the ones who just don’t want contact shouldn't be trying for an open adoption and should be up front with the expectant parents (We don’t want a closed adoption and we’re up front and truthful on what kind of relationship we want after placement, everyone should be).  It truly saddens me to hear about those situations, although I think they aren't as common as some people think (Thanks to the internet it seems every other story featured is something like this but it seems propagated by a minority).  Most of us hopeful adoptive parents truly want to include birth parents in our extended families. It has been shown that not only does the child grow up more secure and well rounded but it helps the birth families as well to know the child is in a good home and well loved and taken care of.

Can things go wrong? – Yes.  Are any relationships perfect? –No.  Everything takes work, communication and dedication. Parenting is no small, easy or cheap task.  It takes great strength and courage to become a birth mom/dad and with that is a great amount of loss.  That loss is felt by all of us in the adoption community even if we haven’t become parents yet but we see through the eyes of those who have. I can never know the pain and loss of the birth mom/dad/family and I will never pretend I do but I can empathize with them.

I truly believe in the open adoption; can I guarantee you we will fulfill our end of the agreement, yes, just as much as you can guarantee us. Remember Trust is key but even with it life has no guarantees. We can only do the very best we can to maintain our relationships and fulfill our agreements; all the while remembering the child we all share and love.

We aren't there yet but here’s to 2015 being our year to have our family!

December was a Whirlwind and saying good-bye to 2014

So the New Year is upon us and I've been slack in writing as of late.

It’s been a whirlwind of holiday activity here since returning from California at the beginning of the month.  I honestly can’t believe how busy we've been with visits, gatherings, travel, and Christmas.

I flew to Atlanta the middle of the month to spend time with friends and we had a blast and the bonus was my friends from Tennessee were able to drive out for the day and ended up staying overnight.  Really had a fantastic time playing games, telling stories, and just relaxing in each other’s company. One couple was approved for Fostering up to 6 children and a couple days after I got home they had a full house.  I hope they had a fabulous Christmas with the kids. We couldn't be happier for you!

After coming home it was a scramble to get the gifts wrapped before Don came home from Atlanta and finish decorating.  That weekend was a “reunion” dinner for the folks who went to Ghana this year as a way to catch up and share food that the hosts felt resembled things they ate while there.  I have to say it was incredible. The 6 course meal was spectacular and the company even better.  I’d only met the hosts as I took their picture with the Ghana group at the airport before they all left, so I was a bit nervous heading to their home for dinner.  I had a great time; they are super people I wouldn't mind getting to know better.

The following day was a get together with our friends we haven’t seen in a few months. Lots of catching up, played a few games, and then so much fun watching the football game together that evening (which we won!).  Wish we could see them tomorrow but we’ll be with other friends and they will be with family.

The week of Christmas has arrived and Mom has Pneumonia so can’t bring my nephew to our house to stay a few days.  She also can’t come to Christmas Eve dinner. I plan to head down to pick up my nephew while mom revisits the doctor and hopes she isn't put in the hospital and Don went to help a coworker move into her new Condo. When he finished helping her move, he went to the mall to do some Christmas shopping and I must say he did a good job! Mom was given some different antibiotics and steroids to help her lungs/cough and was by her account feeling so much better by Christmas Eve, although she still didn't have much of a voice.  I even said “You sound horrible, how are you doing?” and she responded “I feel so much better! No, really, I don’t sound it but I do.” The only thing that saved her from a hospital stay was that she didn't have a fever.  I’m so glad she at least got to be home in her own bed to rest and I could keep her updated with texts. Our nephew immediately wanted to watch Guardians of the Galaxy when we got to our house.  I bring this up because about half way through he fell asleep and I took a picture.  It isn't often teens take naps but they should and my dogs joined in.  The rest of the time was spent playing with our board games, watching movies, and playing video games with uncle Don on my computer.  I've seen the future where I no longer get time on my computer LOL! Joking aside we really had a great couple days and are looking forward to his next visit.

Christmas Eve was our day for Christmas with my family this year so my nephew could be home with his family for Christmas day.  I did most of the food prep the night before so it was a pretty seamless just put it all in the oven on time.  My mom’s husband was coming up so we waited for him to get off work and arrive which was killing Colin who was anxiously counting down to his arrival so he could open his gifts and get his stocking.  I remember those days; I really can’t wait until we have our own family to watch as they wake us early and want to dive right in. He was such a trooper as Tom was here for about an hour before we started exchanging gifts.  He was super anxious for me to find the gift he hid in the tree.  I wish I had pictures of his face as I walked to the opposite side of the tree to look for wrapping paper and he was commenting how it wasn't there.  Turns out he wrapped and hid the gift himself and he was pretty happy about it.  I’d say he did a great job as it took me a couple minutes to find it.  Once the gifts were done, Colin started playing his new game on Xbox while I finished our dinner. Tom would take him home later that evening.

The following morning Don and I spent time just relaxing and talking to family.  We then planned to head over to his Sister’s house for dinner and we introduced them to Cards against Humanity.  They loved it.  It was a blast watching them play and then we fixed a non conventional dinner of steak, stuffed potatoes, crab legs, and broccoli.  It was so yummy and a refreshing change from the normal holiday foods we all typically serve.  Sadly she had to be up early to open the next day so we made it a fairly early night but not before she sent half a pie home with us because no one had room for it after dinner.

Fast forward and here we are on New Year’s Eve.  I can’t believe another year is about to pass.  We’ll be having dinner with a couple friends and then heading to a gathering of live music and food at their friends place to ring in 2015! Here’s hoping 2015 is even better than 2014 and that we all remember the importance of family, friends, and community. 

Decorating for my Favorite Holiday

We’re back from our drive to California for Thanksgiving.  It was great to see our family and friends but so nice to be back home. The fun has started with Christmas right around the corner.  I already have my shopping done, just need to wrap what’s here and wait a couple more days for the remainder to arrive. I hope the kids enjoy the gifts from their wish lists this year.

On Sunday we went to the farm to get our tree and we normally get a 6-7 foot tree but not this year.  This year we picked out a HUGE 9-10 foot tree and cut the top and base.  It was extremely full with no holes in the foliage.  We just couldn't pass it up even knowing my angel tree topper wouldn't be going on top of the tree this year.  I even had to go out and buy more LED lights for the tree.

Decorating the house and tree make the holiday for me. Don moves the tree in and sets it up then leaves me to start decorating it. I can’t wait to share the decorating with our child.

 I love the smell of a natural tree in the house and the ornaments that bring back memories or new ones that I buy to remind me of the year. 

The year we moved to Washington we spent Christmas in our apartment with his parent’s visiting. We had a small tree with few ornaments but Don did get me the M & M lights I really wanted and they still work to this day over 20 years later.  Christmas day would stick in my mind forever as he left the room after we opened gifts, only to get down on his knee and propose.  We've never looked back from that day on and it makes Christmas ever more special to me.

I’m still putting out the decorations this year and hope to get the outside lights done on Sunday.  We have rain slated for the next couple days, tapering off on Saturday so it should melt the ice on the roof so we can safely put the lights up. Saturday night we hope to go to Zoo Lights at Point Defiance Zoo and Aquarium. I’m super excited about the light displays this year and can’t wait to make new memories with our future child.

I need to finish the decorating and get down to our Christmas cards this week.  We got our first one in the mail today. It can be hard to sum up the year for the cards, especially when adopting and having no new news to share. Some folks are great with the year in review family newsletters and it just hasn't ever been my strong point.  I like adding just a small personal note to each card but may try the newsletter approach again. Time will tell which approach wins out this year.

Here are a few favorites to leave you with as I get back to decorating and listening to Christmas music.

Movies: White Christmas, Elf, Miracle on 34^th St (original), A Christmas Carol (Patrick Stewart) and A Nightmare before Christmas

Music: A Merry Affair CD with Various artists singing new and classic songs, White Christmas, Now that’s what I call Christmas! vol. 1

Holiday Traditions

As the holidays are fast approaching some of our Holiday Traditions begin with when we’ll be visiting family in California.  This year it’s for Thanksgiving.  Since we drive down I actually prefer going in November because there is a lot less snow and ice. I love taking the dogs to the beach to run and play and the warmer temps make it more enjoyable for us all.

Our drive down typically has us stopping to visit long time friends in the Sacramento area before heading south to spend the holiday week with our families. While we get to visit with them the dogs have a blast in the large fenced yard playing with our friend’s son. I think besides the beach it’s what they look forward to every year.  They get super excited as we pull into the driveway and literally pull us to the house. The other must is In n Out burger. I've actually made a list of where they are for the drive down this year.

Once we get to our hotel we break up the week with a day to visit each family cluster with Thanksgiving Day with Don’s family. Usually after Thanksgiving we will stop at Don’s parents for breakfast before we head out to drive home.  We once again stop in at our friend’s place for the night and head out early the next day for the longest portion of the drive home – 12 hours.  I drink lots of coffee that day.

Once we get home the real fun for me begins.  After unpacking I get to drag out all the Christmas decorations and begin decorating while I listen to Christmas music or watching my favorite holiday movies. Christmas is my favorite holiday by far.  I will probably pull the boxes out and put them upstairs before we leave this year since Thanksgiving is so late in the month. On years when we’re home we go to the farm and get our tree the day after Thanksgiving and I spend the day decorating it. Then over the next few days, as the tree settles, I will move things around. I can’t wait to share getting the tree and the decorating with our little one.

Colin loves to play with the trains around the tree

Once the weekend hits we move outside to put out the lights. I love just sitting outside with nothing but the shine from the Christmas lights. I enjoy seeing all the decorations as I drive down the streets; we have some spectacularly decorated homes on our street.  We go with the basics though, Santa in a sleigh on the roof and lights around the house and garage.

I love cooking and baking for my family during the holidays and can’t wait to share that with our future child.  I remember doing that with my mom and aunts every year and can’t wait to pass it in. So we host Christmas most years sometimes for my whole extended family and others just my immediate family. When it’s just a small gathering rather than use china, I always have fun bringing out the Looney Tunes Fiesta Ware for Christmas dinner.  Other people use china and I go with a fun approach more than a formal one.  It’s always fun asking the nephews what character they want and setting it all up on the table. This year will just be us, my mom and her husband and my nephew and it’ll be Christmas Eve dinner instead of Christmas day. I don’t mind though as we want to spend time with my nephew and with his mom having Christmas off this year, Christmas Eve is the day.

wish they still made these

My mom no longer eats meat so I called to ask about certain dishes this year for the Christmas dinner and our nephew yelled out I want ham! Well OK I guess we’re having ham and lots of Veggie dishes. Don will be on board with that since he’d rather not eat 2 week’s worth of turkey in a 4 week span. This seems to be a new tradition we’re forming after I made ham for Colin last year.

We will wind down the holidays on New Year’s Eve by watching the movie of the same name, playing games and then watching the ball drop in Times Square or watch the Space Needle fireworks. We don’t like going out unless it’s to our friend’s place earlier in the day and then we just stay the night.  We don’t want to be out on the road.

November is National Adoption Month

I've been reading a lot of quotes and statements so far this month and prior (thanks Pinterest) and I thought I’d say what open adoption means to us.

Adoption is a journey without a time frame

Adoption is not for the faint of heart or weak of patience

Adoption is “The Wait”

Adoption is the path to fulfill our dreams of becoming parents

Adoption is not an easy path to parenthood

Adoption is a way to bring us joy with an extended family

Adoption is about trust

Adoption is about loss for all involved

Adoption is stressful

Adoption is an expectant mom making the choice out of love for her child and herself

Adoption is the community that brings you up when you’re down

Adoption teaches you to play to your strengths; you will need them in the wait

Adoption is about living everyday waiting for the phone to ring, email to come in, or text

Open Adoption is about families coming together

The Adoption Wait is taking vacations to take your mind off the waiting

Adoption is having faith and hope that your child finds you

Adoption is about the child having a connection to their birth families

Adoption is a unique journey for all involved

Adoption is going to be so worth it!