Forever in our hearts and always on our mind

Dear Baby,

We can’t wait for your mom to find us and ask us to be your parents.  We don’t know if you’ll be a boy or a girl but we are excited to find out! I can’t wait to see your beautiful face in your first moments and hope we get to be a part of it with your birth mom. I know, even when you spit up all over my hair and shirt or have that up the back total blow out just how happy I’ll be to clean you up and how very grateful I’ll be that your birth mom chose us. 

I see so many cute things when I’m out shopping and think how great it’s going to be to bring it home for you one day. I admit though I have broken down and have a bunch of things already from jammies and onesies to burp cloths and bedding. You have so many quilts because your grandma is overjoyed you will be here someday, hopefully soon. Maybe you’ll have a favorite you just have to have with you all the time like my brother did. She loves to sew and also made you car seat covers so you can sleep soundly without the sun in your eyes (although mom’s car has tinted windows to help with that). In fact when your grandma found out we were hoping for you, she bought the crib on our wish list.  We haven’t put it up yet but when you’ve found us we will get the nursery all put together.  We also have the cutest red leather toddler chair for you when you start to grow and want your own personal chair like mom and dad have.  I’ve been collecting books for you too.  I can’t wait to read them to you every chance we get, but especially at bedtime.  I have many more on our wish list for you and hope you have many favorites among them.

Speaking of growing up, we are almost finished redoing the craft room and when you get a bit bigger you will get to have so much fun in there with us creating whatever you dream up.  You will get to finger paint and color, on paper, not the walls (we hope!) and play with clay and play-doh.  I can’t wait to see your creations.

Your birth mom will be forever in our hearts and always on our mind.You will always know her greatest sacrifice was out of love for you.

I hope you find us soon little one because we already love you so much and we can’t wait to meet you both. 

Love mom

Italy: our upcoming vacation

On our journey I've been very reluctant to travel outside the USA.  Well our friend we visited in December is going to Italy to visit her best friend and her new daughter, so Don just jumped in with both feet and bought us tickets. Well I say bought but really he used the last of his airline miles to get us our tickets to Venice.  He was going to surprise me at Christmas with it but since I was going to Atlanta to stay with our friends for the weekend, he thought he’d better tell me in advance, just in case it was accidentally mentioned.

 Good thing he did tell me because they all wanted to make plans, arrangements, etc.  I am thrilled but also apprehensive.  We both know if an expectant mom matches with us and is even remotely close to her due date we aren't going.  Of course we will just reschedule the trip for some other time and take our child with us once they can get a passport.  So in preparation I am using Duolingo to learn basic Italian.  I just started it yesterday and I must say so far it’s easier than French.

I am actually fairly good at picking up languages but terrible with speaking it so I don’t unless I absolutely must.  As don said when we went to Paris its OK you can read and write it and I’ll speak.  I love him so much for his understanding that I just don’t want to get it wrong and say something inappropriately.  I don’t like offending people and then to do so in another country with a different culture, well it makes the shy, guarded girl in me terrified to speak.  

Thank goodness Italy loves American tourists and most speak English so it won’t be totally necessary to speak Italian.  I do like knowing the basics though.  I’m also super grateful that our friend, before she married, lived there a few years and is completely fluent in not just the language but the culture.  I would hate to smile at someone and have it taken the wrong way or be a target of pick pockets (which we will be anyway as tourists).  She filled me in completely on both of those points and many others during our weekend visit. I can’t wait to see an opera in Venice and to see the Vatican, the ruins of ancient Rome and Rome today. I love that we are going to rent a car and drive to Tuscany and the many places along the way that we’ll see.  I am looking forward to spending time with her friend and her friend’s miracle daughter.  That whole story is a gem but it isn't mine to tell but suffice it to say I’m thrilled for them to have a family and can’t wait for our own.

Our trip is coming up in a few weeks and we’re so lucky to have family who come stay at the house for us. They watch the cats while I take the dogs to the kennel for their own vacation with other dogs to play with all day.  I miss them constantly when we’re away, as in actual heartache because I am with them 24/7/365 and they are my babies.  I know they miss us but they also have a good time socializing with the other dogs so it’s why they go so they miss us just a bit less.

So I must get back to more basic intro to Italian. Ciao!

Yin and Yang - Order and Chaos

It’s human nature to want to be that perfect family.  I know we all strive for that but we are perfectly flawed too. In adoption we strive even more so as we try to express who we are in a few short pages. Maybe we have an online presence to show more about us but you never know if the expecting parents will see it. So in the grand scheme we describe ourselves through pictures and words in a brochure format sent to expecting parents to look at.  They get to see the great people you are but not the flaws of being a human being. We all have them and I thought I’d share ours and how we have adjusted to each other’s and make it work to our benefit.

Don and I are yin and yang.  He’s order and I’m chaos so to speak.  I’m perfectly fine with things just wherever I put them down and he is put it where it belongs the first time. We have over the years together learned to live in ordered chaos.

I know that he came to appreciate that I can’t find things if he moves them and same for me.  We have totally different desks outside that they both have computers.  Mine with books, mail, toys, and my trail mix and his is just his computer. This doesn't mean we live in a dirty house by any means so please don’t think we do (we wouldn't pass our home study if we did!).  I clean and he cleans but I’m not picky if the mail sits on my desk instead of going through the shredder right this second or being filed.

Dog toys litter the house and while I don’t care because they just drag them all back out the second I put them away (unless I’m vacuuming and then they aren't around), Don has to try putting them back in the toy box.  I always chuckle because the second he puts them back Parker and Tucker are digging out their favorite toys leaving a trail of other toys behind.  I think having pets and a wife who can live in chaos has helped him see that we all have our ways of keeping our stuff as we need to. It has also helped me to see the order side of him.  Everything in its place means he has what he needs when he needs it without having to ask me or getting frustrated that he can’t find it.

We found the perfect balance and know our child will benefit from both perspectives. They will have a mom who won’t mind the toys everywhere and a dad to reinforce putting your stuff away when you’re done playing with it. Both are valuable lessons. I know when my nephew visits I’m usually the one who says put your things away more than Don but I know if I didn't he would and knowing we will be on the same page with our child is a great beginning to build on.

A Letter...

To Someone I've never met,

I know we talked through messages about 6 weeks ago.  I know you are being proactive in searching your soul for an answer that only you can find. I want you to know I am here if ever you need me.

I can only see what you let me and what I do see is an incredible lady who is wise beyond her years and has a great sense of humor.  I see that person hurting and lonely and yet loved and supported. I see your faith, determination and strength of will.  Hang onto that as you continue forward.

Only you can determine what is right for you because ultimately it’s your life.  Don’t let those with closed minds or hearts disrupt yours.  You are a beautiful person inside and out.  Let yourself shine bright and enjoy everything around you even if it seems hard, you will get through it.  If life didn't have challenges we’d never learn how to navigate the world and the others in it or to appreciate the beauty that surrounds us.  

I've been asked why I care about someone I don’t even know and the answer is simple.  I care because it’s who I am and you reached out to me.  I care because as I watch from a distance my heart breaks as I read some of what you’re dealing with.  I can’t imagine how you feel but I can empathize with you. I know when something happens and I send a message that it will go unanswered and that’s OK.  I’m sending it anyway because I want you to know you aren't alone.

As you travel along the pregnancy road remember to be kind to yourself.  It isn't easy navigating pregnancy as your body changes and growing baby is keeping you up.  It’s increasingly more difficult to keep up with work and school when you’re exhausted and sick.  You are doing it though!

We don’t know if you will make an adoption plan or if you’ll parent but either way please know we are here and we care about you.  You can talk to us anytime if you need someone outside your circle to talk to without pressure to choose one way or the other.

Respectfully yours,

Nicole