The Text! a Contact....

The Text! What a joy to see when you’re trying to adopt. 

We recently had a contact that we met with and enjoyed very much.  We've been chatting via text for a few weeks and unfortunately had to terminate contact with her today.  I can’t express in words all the heartache that entails.  Just as you begin to think this could be it and then the follow through doesn't happen on their end.  That’s when your dreams come crashing down, landing at your feet, screaming,  that you should have listened only to your head and not let your heart have any say in the matter.

The short of it is that she didn't provide proof of pregnancy after many weeks and for the best of us all we had to end our contact. It’s really one of the first things done in adoption but because she was in our state briefly we decided to meet up and see if we’d be a fit. The meet went great and all she had to do from there was contact the agency again and get in her proof of pregnancy. It wouldn't work that way for her, for whatever her reasons.  I can’t even know what they were because she still insisted she wanted us to be the parents.  So our agency advised us to cut off contact and we trust them on these matters. They are there to guide us all in the procedures that must be followed.  I do have a spark in me that thinks maybe she’ll get it together and reconnect with our agency but my head says it won’t happen. Just let it go and move on.

I’m then reminded by others going through similar situations now or in the past just how much of a blessing this might be. It also helps to connect with a friend who fosters and the daily trials they endure.  Really puts our woes in perspective. I feel much worse for them (our friends and the children they are fostering) than us. Our child’s parents could be out there looking at our profile and maybe even others trying to make that very difficult lifelong choice and all we have to do is be patient, believe, and wait. 

The time will come someday that we will be parents or we get off the merry-go-round and walk away knowing we believed, hoped, dreamed and did everything we could to become a family through open adoption.  

Our journey to adoption after infertiltiy

This is a guest post I did for the Independent Adoption Center blog.

When Don and I met and started dating, I knew there was a very real possibility I couldn't have children.  It was a discussion we needed to have because my problem would become his if we got married.  I was very fortunate that he said “We’ll cross that bridge together someday when we’re ready”. That someday would come seven years later after we’d been married a few years. We began the infertility path with the usual tests and charts. I was referred to the Infertility and Endocrine center where we did additional, painful tests and determined surgery might be the key.  So as I signed a waiver that said 1 in 1000 who have this surgery will have a puncture; we moved forward.  I’d be that 1 in 1000 15 minutes into the procedure, so it wasn't finished.  After that we reevaluated our options to start a family.

It took many tear filled days and nights over the years as we went from infertility to looking into adoption options. We didn't have the resources then with the internet in its infancy.  Every time I thought I’d found a viable agency I’d find it had closed or was cost prohibitive.  We were looking to do international adoptions as well as domestic and just kept coming against a wall.  We then discussed not even trying to have a family.  That is always a family option but it wasn't in my heart or his.  We adore kids and want to be a family someday. We concentrated on our work, family, and friends.  Even as our friends, my younger brother and cousins were all having families of their own, we just kept working and enjoying our time with their children. It was always in the back of our minds though that we’d have to finish grieving and move forward.  Moving on meant we’d either look into adoption or just be a childless couple. We chose adoption as our option.

When we learned of Independent Adoption Center and its open adoption with lifetime counseling for all involved in the adoption triad, we jumped in with both feet.  We were only familiar with closed and semi-open adoptions until then and the openness really appealed to us.  It would take us about 9 months to get everything completed and the wait would begin.  They say the wait is the hardest part and really it doesn't sink in when you’re busy completing paper work, the home study, and your profile.  I think it keeps you so busy you don’t realize that the wait leaves you nothing to do but wait. The trick is to keep living but even I spent the first year of the wait putting off a trip that would take us to Europe for fear “the call” would come and we’d miss it. We took trips around the US but it’s so easy to hop on the next flight here and get where we need to be, unlike traveling abroad. We have adjusted to living again and have chosen to take the trip anyway this year and if we do get “the call” we can change our trip itinerary. The wait has its own timeline we can’t control and that can be frustrating as hopeful adoptive parents.  We've been waiting over a year but I know our extended family is out there we just have to wait for them to find us. 

Italy: our upcoming vacation

On our journey I've been very reluctant to travel outside the USA.  Well our friend we visited in December is going to Italy to visit her best friend and her new daughter, so Don just jumped in with both feet and bought us tickets. Well I say bought but really he used the last of his airline miles to get us our tickets to Venice.  He was going to surprise me at Christmas with it but since I was going to Atlanta to stay with our friends for the weekend, he thought he’d better tell me in advance, just in case it was accidentally mentioned.

 Good thing he did tell me because they all wanted to make plans, arrangements, etc.  I am thrilled but also apprehensive.  We both know if an expectant mom matches with us and is even remotely close to her due date we aren't going.  Of course we will just reschedule the trip for some other time and take our child with us once they can get a passport.  So in preparation I am using Duolingo to learn basic Italian.  I just started it yesterday and I must say so far it’s easier than French.

I am actually fairly good at picking up languages but terrible with speaking it so I don’t unless I absolutely must.  As don said when we went to Paris its OK you can read and write it and I’ll speak.  I love him so much for his understanding that I just don’t want to get it wrong and say something inappropriately.  I don’t like offending people and then to do so in another country with a different culture, well it makes the shy, guarded girl in me terrified to speak.  

Thank goodness Italy loves American tourists and most speak English so it won’t be totally necessary to speak Italian.  I do like knowing the basics though.  I’m also super grateful that our friend, before she married, lived there a few years and is completely fluent in not just the language but the culture.  I would hate to smile at someone and have it taken the wrong way or be a target of pick pockets (which we will be anyway as tourists).  She filled me in completely on both of those points and many others during our weekend visit. I can’t wait to see an opera in Venice and to see the Vatican, the ruins of ancient Rome and Rome today. I love that we are going to rent a car and drive to Tuscany and the many places along the way that we’ll see.  I am looking forward to spending time with her friend and her friend’s miracle daughter.  That whole story is a gem but it isn't mine to tell but suffice it to say I’m thrilled for them to have a family and can’t wait for our own.

Our trip is coming up in a few weeks and we’re so lucky to have family who come stay at the house for us. They watch the cats while I take the dogs to the kennel for their own vacation with other dogs to play with all day.  I miss them constantly when we’re away, as in actual heartache because I am with them 24/7/365 and they are my babies.  I know they miss us but they also have a good time socializing with the other dogs so it’s why they go so they miss us just a bit less.

So I must get back to more basic intro to Italian. Ciao!

The Liebster Award!

Wow, Thanks for the award.  It really doesn't seem like anyone actually reads my blog, except those 2 bots that stop by everyday so this is a nice surprise from Sarah and John a fellow couple waiting to adopt. As a result of this nomination I've since seen and read a lot of blogs I hadn't seen before. YAY! So let’s get started….

Step 1: Thanks Sarah, I love your blog, I think we have some similarities in how we blog.

Step 2: Answer these 11 questions

Why did you start blogging? I wanted to remember the ups and downs of our adoption journey.  I also want to get all the thoughts out of my head where I can look back with our child and say see it’s our families story.

What is your favorite food? Mexican or cheese- wait Mexican food usually (not all dishes do) has cheese so win/win!

What was your first job? My freshman year at the ripe ol’ age of 14 I became a babysitter for 5 boys, aged from 5 months to 9 years old. That evolved into me spending the night most nights, since the family would be out until 2 or 3 am. They were in a band that did shows 3-5 times a week. I did that for a year before moving to live with my dad and getting a job at McDonald’s.

What are you having for dinner tonight? Tacos

Pick one word to describe your blog: Honest

If you could go any place in the world on a free vacation for a week, where would you go? Italy and I’m going basically for free this year.

Who was your favorite teacher? Mrs. Meyers she was my first and second grade teacher. She let me work ahead of the class (meaning she didn't hold me back for my thirst for knowledge and she gave me extra credit).

Where do you see yourself in five years? I’ll be a stay at home mom with at least one child getting them up for school or watching Don play with them on the floor or read them a goodnight story.  I really can’t wait.  If that doesn't happen I will still be traveling with Don seeing the world.

Who would you say has been the most influential person in your life? I think ultimately my dad.  He showed me that hard work, dedication, and play are all equally important to success.  He also let me be me and didn't ever ask me to change who I was becoming growing up.  He would sit me down and tell me when he didn't like something and ask me what I thought. I appreciate the way he handled even the difficult teen years with me being able to tell him anything, even if he didn't want to hear it.  That honesty allowed me to see Honesty is the best policy no matter what.

If you had to be any animal for the rest of your life, what would you pick? I don’t know how to pick.  I love all animals.  I’d say any spoiled, loved and well cared for animal like our dogs or cats. I could be a warm fuzzy spaniel or even a fuzzy warm cat. I also thought bird because birds can fly and see things from a different perspective.  See can’t choose.

What is your favorite color? Orange. It’s just such a cheerful color

Step 3: Answer 11 facts about yourself

1. I have a sarcastic, dry humor that can leave people wondering if I’m joking or serious, especially if they don’t know me very well.

2. Don and I first met when I was 16, we reconnected as friends when I was 18 and he was 22. We began dating soon after and the rest is history. We are each others’ best friend.

3.  Coffee, Coffee, Coffee is everything. I drink it, bake with it and cook with it. I love the flavor and aroma.

4. I love watching Don’s inner child come out with our nephews and friends kids.  Seriously just add Lego’s, building blocks or any toy and he gets so into it with the kids.

5. I don’t wear make-up or do anything more than wake, shower, and go.  I call myself wash and wear LOL. I very rarely when the occasion calls for it will wear make-up, blow-dry and curl my hair.

6. I have a large Looney Toons collection of mostly dishware.  Our Champagne flutes for our wedding were Pepe and Kitty and our Cake servers were Porky and Petunia pig.  I still have them. If I could've found a cake topper I’d have used it.

7. For years Don traveled for work, one year I counted all the days he was home and it was 88. That’s including vacation time.  Thankfully he is home every night now and only travels once in a great while.

8. I was in leg braces for 2 years for club foot although my mom says it was because I tried to walk at 7 months old.

9. I can be hard to get to know well, although once you’re in your there forever. I've always been shy and guarded.

10. I love playing games from card games to board games to video games. 

11. I actually like watching sports like football and baseball but my guilty pleasure is watching Dancing with the stars.

Step 4: Nominate 11 blogs that I think deserve this award

Ok, these are mostly adoption blogs either in the wait or after.  a couple however aren't; The Tigon and Sportsbard. 

The Tigon is my cousin's blog about sailing in the PNW with his family and friends, ocean preservation and whales. 

Sportsbard is a World of Warcraft, poetry, sports, music blog I check in on.

Adoption Adventureswith Jillian and Melia 

Adoption Adventures 

Our Modern Family 

Alexa and Michael 

Waiting on baby Duffy 

Shan and J adopt 

The Tigon 

Welcome to babyville! Population: US

Sportsbard 

Chip and Darian's adoption blog 

Step 5: Let the bloggers know they've been nominated.

Off to do that now

Step 6: Answer these 11 questions listed here

Yin and Yang - Order and Chaos

It’s human nature to want to be that perfect family.  I know we all strive for that but we are perfectly flawed too. In adoption we strive even more so as we try to express who we are in a few short pages. Maybe we have an online presence to show more about us but you never know if the expecting parents will see it. So in the grand scheme we describe ourselves through pictures and words in a brochure format sent to expecting parents to look at.  They get to see the great people you are but not the flaws of being a human being. We all have them and I thought I’d share ours and how we have adjusted to each other’s and make it work to our benefit.

Don and I are yin and yang.  He’s order and I’m chaos so to speak.  I’m perfectly fine with things just wherever I put them down and he is put it where it belongs the first time. We have over the years together learned to live in ordered chaos.

I know that he came to appreciate that I can’t find things if he moves them and same for me.  We have totally different desks outside that they both have computers.  Mine with books, mail, toys, and my trail mix and his is just his computer. This doesn't mean we live in a dirty house by any means so please don’t think we do (we wouldn't pass our home study if we did!).  I clean and he cleans but I’m not picky if the mail sits on my desk instead of going through the shredder right this second or being filed.

Dog toys litter the house and while I don’t care because they just drag them all back out the second I put them away (unless I’m vacuuming and then they aren't around), Don has to try putting them back in the toy box.  I always chuckle because the second he puts them back Parker and Tucker are digging out their favorite toys leaving a trail of other toys behind.  I think having pets and a wife who can live in chaos has helped him see that we all have our ways of keeping our stuff as we need to. It has also helped me to see the order side of him.  Everything in its place means he has what he needs when he needs it without having to ask me or getting frustrated that he can’t find it.

We found the perfect balance and know our child will benefit from both perspectives. They will have a mom who won’t mind the toys everywhere and a dad to reinforce putting your stuff away when you’re done playing with it. Both are valuable lessons. I know when my nephew visits I’m usually the one who says put your things away more than Don but I know if I didn't he would and knowing we will be on the same page with our child is a great beginning to build on.

What exactly is Dragon Con and why do you go?

As stated by the official website Dragon Con is “We are the largest multi-media, popular culture convention focusing on science fiction & fantasy, gaming, comics, literature, art, music, and film in the universe.” To us it’s so much more.

Yes, it is those things but also history, technology, science, engineering and the most important factor is Friends! We have friends all over the country and a good portion of them live in the south.  So every year we get together in Atlanta for Dragon Con if they can make it, even for a day (Don and I are there at least 4 days, having flown cross-country). Our friends drive in from Atlanta, Tennessee, and Alabama. We have a friend in Florida but they've never been able to make it. Dragon Con spans 6 hotels over downtown Atlanta and so the events are usually grouped into one hotel for the duration such as Doctor Who panels in the Hyatt or Star Trek related panels, contests, etc in the Weston. They also feature shopping for everything imagined and then some in the Americas Mart.  I really can’t wait to share Dragon con with our child and have them know all our friends. 

 

So cute posing with Captain America while her dad took pictures - Hoping that is us soon!

We absolutely love Dragon Con.  In fact our friends from Alabama were the first to tell us about it and upon finding out we had to plan to go the following year. WOW so much to do, we didn't make many panels that first year but we had fun shopping and watching the Cos-players and meeting up with our friends on Saturday. That first year was simply amazing for us as the one panel we did make (Farscape) led us to the autograph room where we had a great conversation with Gigi Edgley (wish we'd gotten pictures that first year instead of just autographs) and some of the cast who were on the panel.  What I like is the stars aren't usually pretentious and will have normal conversations about their work; granted the super-stars are pretty hard to get to due to the one hour of signatures and done so good luck!, better wake up at 6 and get in line by 7 for a 2 o’clock autograph session. I wanted Patrick Stewart last year and the line was around 3 blocks long (think New York city blocks) for a one hour session, um ya OK, off to do something else and I will have to live without meeting him. Last year we were thrilled to meet and talk with a few actors we really wanted to chat with and they were amazing and so are their upcoming projects (or past ones in some cases).   It sounds like we spend a lot of time fanning over the actors but actually we hit the autograph room once, usually Saturday unless someone we want to see is only available on Friday. We try to figure out the best time to go and hit the room and hope everyone we want to talk with is there, sometimes we aren't that lucky. The other must Hall to visit is the Art Hall where we usually meet up and chat with a friend of Don’s who sells her work during Dragon Con. So many different artists and kinds of art work from paintings to sculptures to metal work. The art hall is also where you’ll find the comics.

What else is great about Dragon con is the cos-play. One of my best friends (Lara Cupcake) is a cos-player and although considered amateur we think she does a fantastic job on her costumes from the design to re-imagining some of the characters. She been actively doing cos-play for cons’ for about a year and a half. Last year when we all went together and shared a room she had 4 costumes and the amount of work she puts into not just making those costumes but actually dressing in them for the day is phenomenal! Really cos-players do so much for fan support as they enjoy bringing a favorite character to life for everyone to enjoy seeing as they go from panels to contests and photo shoots or just walk about the streets in downtown. I don’t usually dress in anything except shorts and some tee from a show (Like Doctor Who, Firefly or Nightmare before Christmas). Next year that changes as I found a really fun steam punk inspired dress that I’ll be wearing on Saturday, as for the rest of the time I’m unsure if what I’d like to do with our friends as a group will work out. One thing to consider is just what you are cos-playing, Don did a Murloc one day last year and was super hoarse after making the sound all day/night.  That was one thing we all talked about as for our costumes this year was what we needed to be comfortable because it is Atlanta at the end of summer.

 Lara, me in the back, and Don on the way to the Convention

Saturday night is the night we all gather together and people watch.  We have a blast as the cos-players come and go.  It’s the night we take the most pictures of us with cos-players or each other being silly. A lot of times we all want to do different panels, signings, etc during the day so it’s our chance to just set aside time to all compare notes on the con events or things we've bought or saw.

Friends!

yep, Don photo bombed us - LOL.

Unikitty is AWESOME!

 Last year we were all staying out at an airport hotel but this year we actually managed to get hotel rooms downtown so that’s going to be a huge bonus over taking MARTA back to the airport, then a shuttle to the hotel, and having to carry all our stuff around all day. That makes us actually more into dressing up this year since we can always go change if we want to.   Also this year our friend Kevin from California is flying up here then the following day we will all fly to Atlanta.  I think he’s going to have a great time.  He’s never gone and he finally said yes, he’d love to go this year. I imagine we’ll actually play games in the game area this year; we talked about it last year but never actually went, and the year before we just walked around watching others play games. Don might even go do the midnight drumming as well since we don’t have to worry about catching the last train of the night back to the hotel. 

I sincerely hope this is our year our child finds us and would be thrilled! if we got to attend Dragon Con as a family.

Life doesn't have any guarantees

I had a question come up over the weekend that, while I answered fairly clinically yet truthfully, can be said another way. Life doesn't have any guarantees!  It just seems so callous to point that out but it remains the utmost truth. I think we all strive to hold to our arrangements and to our word to friends, family, bosses, co-workers, etc. but sometimes life happens and plans and arrangements must be put on hold or changed. It has happened time and time again in various situations.  People get sick or move away or can’t get time off from work.  Again it’s life and we have to adjust to those changes to make things work out.

Having said all that the question I was asked was “How can you guarantee me you’ll stick to an open or semi-open adoption.”  I went the clinical and logical way of answers.  Explaining that not only did we sign up specifically for an open adoption because it’s all around better for all involved but that our agency would help us facilitate an agreement outlining what was expected as a minimum from both sides. I went a bit further on the details but I can say they never responded.  I obviously didn't fit the bill on answers or they are weighing whether I spoke the truth.

I read about a lot of parents who do make agreements and they change, sometimes because the birth mom/parents disappear, others out of safety for the child and unfortunately sometimes because the family just doesn't want contact.  I feel the ones who just don’t want contact shouldn't be trying for an open adoption and should be up front with the expectant parents (We don’t want a closed adoption and we’re up front and truthful on what kind of relationship we want after placement, everyone should be).  It truly saddens me to hear about those situations, although I think they aren't as common as some people think (Thanks to the internet it seems every other story featured is something like this but it seems propagated by a minority).  Most of us hopeful adoptive parents truly want to include birth parents in our extended families. It has been shown that not only does the child grow up more secure and well rounded but it helps the birth families as well to know the child is in a good home and well loved and taken care of.

Can things go wrong? – Yes.  Are any relationships perfect? –No.  Everything takes work, communication and dedication. Parenting is no small, easy or cheap task.  It takes great strength and courage to become a birth mom/dad and with that is a great amount of loss.  That loss is felt by all of us in the adoption community even if we haven’t become parents yet but we see through the eyes of those who have. I can never know the pain and loss of the birth mom/dad/family and I will never pretend I do but I can empathize with them.

I truly believe in the open adoption; can I guarantee you we will fulfill our end of the agreement, yes, just as much as you can guarantee us. Remember Trust is key but even with it life has no guarantees. We can only do the very best we can to maintain our relationships and fulfill our agreements; all the while remembering the child we all share and love.

We aren't there yet but here’s to 2015 being our year to have our family!